![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrV0NPV1RCcTNuMGY1ajVKb0NCQmFpNk0ydWwrYndEaWJjRHlCY2gzVmc4WmZmbDFNQmdrVTAvSklWOEF6dzViT0xTYXlCZ2Zla29qYzZVdTBtbUhkY1lWcWUvaDdRUTZ0RmtrVngvSEZLbXNMWlFGYTAvSnpkZlVUaVFoczlTL1ZvN0JXNVlRb1RXV0JVaVVUM2JManl2eHpjQTNvbG1NaDdGaGZyUGRGeFQyRmR0eFluTDNMdFJmOHZrRkRMbGpOMlh4bUhqM21vU2k0d0dEMHVTVGk4VHlkMmxiS3Buc1RrbVByTUFSaXRYc3EwMmJ2V08waCttQlFmTldTdjNvMEE9PQ%3D%3D/50+FUNNY+QUOTES/(726635263c220c9a3d83cf0093201a69).jpg)
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.” – Jack Handey
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRZW5vTk9XNzlNT3dVQ1EvYzdlV0RVbGRpY1BaYys0MVhQN2lLNUVJVmliaCtTa0FEMTMxWXFpd1RTSndnYk8xUm90ZDczN0Qrdk1UWUEwZUZkSWVNbDV6Y1VCRTlqY2VGdTZvL2VHcnlUcFp3PT0%3D/50+FUNNY+QUOTES/(8ddbbd7d9dd6f42b655e04051c798b45).jpg)
“I’m not clumsy, I’m just gravity’s biggest fan.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrYlgwMHBRbTdTeElSRlRZWGhyNHpxTXNzYzVwR2ZYbVMrUm9XdVF1alhaSEw5MEVjelhMa0Zzb3JPM05TYWVSS3Z4bTZHeU9GNHlJUWpjRjgzdGNKN1Znek9iMnlXSkdiV1B0SldzbGYrbE4%3D/50+FUNNY+QUOTES/(0d2a53284bc21c2e519c871731e8d53d).jpg)
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” – Steven Wright
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrYkNWNXFST2JYUXY1WDRGalRmYVhLK0Zrbkd0VTMxZ3BFQkdad1ZBZUxwRVJFVXo4MnVuNTVkTG5QaURkaXJmU2hLOUdaa2dYR0oyUW0vZzhENFNXWXpRVU9TQlk3S2h5L1pjNldXVDVjOWhob2taV2Z0UFhCMktOSTdlZno0Y3lJSitvT2dGRStXVHd1MktxMElLQzU0UklrVzlhT0g2dlprUTBvMzYvZmJITWEzVVRiVURNTEFOb2FDOHltTHVrSVhzMlFaUWhQRW5Vdmdvd0VIR1FZQT0%3D/50+FUNNY+QUOTES/(32c2c7509f82b43320d11f8384a7ecff).jpg)
“You know you’re getting old when you bend down to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVVJkc0FkQlV3cEpxK2lSbjgyeXZFelVwUmVpcHFqdFQ0VkhpbGlvWkdlRk83RENramRNMGNXV3ZxU1oxRko5OUtsOXc3THF5Q0E3aWRDNTFnQ0F0NEQzSGNoRDhsL3hUUTJqUUU1MU1GSDRxWVhwczRDUVhuSTgvWjh1S2RFTmF3PT0%3D/50+FUNNY+QUOTES/(1ba9c25b8b6b703f57b7401b134827dc).jpg)
“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRY052QVBTZlFMZzVhMXFDZWdxSFRBZmJYSnV3cVR0MVQwU2d1OTlWMmxyYWk1a0hnRGU4LzEyVTQ3NGsxVDQxZnllcWlybVFxSjN2QlloTVpiMGVjeFk%3D/50+FUNNY+QUOTES/(309b3f6ee9bb7c9da272218f6fb73d4d).jpg)
“I’m not lazy, I’m in energy-saving mode.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRZGhKL0pWLzEyeXdhS203d1g1TEZ2UTF1YlVLZGUvNk1aR0tIcm5MNktyRGlqUVJiSUpIVzBicHQ0VUpoTmU1WVg4MW5FUVhlYUk1SENjRnNSTG1pU1Y%3D/50+FUNNY+QUOTES/(ee080d793b2b7f77043f8023c34c5fe5).jpg)
“I’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRY3lpWERsMUxzbmZKdjc1eHRmVmxsZnEreFFjZ2t6L1grQkRZcW9iQng2R0h1YWdjYWVJUTdyUWJ6NFR1bUpHOGxnSTAyN0drODJ5SENDMk1NVDVWejFpUm1DZFJtWEd6OVQyRFpLSVlZNWJES1MrRS9xMTBYVG1MTHdDaEg1dmtzPQ%3D%3D/50+FUNNY+QUOTES/(21dee69d25f3eae24d2dc88fe54c812f).jpg)
“I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVlVBR0tSbFJjVjBvQ0JqVllXd2dmeTR0d0tFYkc0TnllVHpwRk9wQTdwQU9Va3FVMDVpc3NTNEhoUjFZRUloOFZEZW52WFVYelVLUGtzNytMU1dnZ2thTXFYa3lzMUp4YkYrOFVPWXptODNJQzAxUlBTYU94M1BWcGZLUlBPN2JrRVMyWjFkclBjVmM4UTZBVnhYckV3Zm1YRnNqOEN3cDRMUHAzU2t1ZWJxU0UrWGtmYWRiYS9OR1hqM2hLL0p0bDlHM0E4Mk9yRzVSOW10eE04RUtQcnVoOU1TOGtJYUJIR25ZekpvZjNmcg%3D%3D/50+FUNNY+QUOTES/(2e0a4f270fcc98aff15c436861448fcc).jpg)
“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” – Terry Pratchett
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVDlvSTR1ZG41ZzFuMVpGVStXN3R2aVVrNmUxUFdZMG5Lb1VOK1hqcUYyWllkOGJVY3IzalQ3MitkK1NuVEt3aElEbXpkVU51QWI3dXlTc21jb0hXZ01lVzBXVWpJb3Y0bFluNGV1S2tZaXBQd3BLYWRLaXdWUFFFVCtrTkpxVXd3PT0%3D/50+FUNNY+QUOTES/(fee1ceaaa2c6efbe4fcba69160ea9108).jpg)
“I don’t need anger management. I just need people to stop pissing me off.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVTNmY0VseGt2cUk5S1FMK3JzaWwrWGVjb0pDSnBJNlNrQkQ5UFhNajNybWNFZmFPRCs4ZmVBb2dvMTFlSDA4dEdQeDdlckdVRW10RGlRQlNaaE5UTEE9/50+FUNNY+QUOTES/(dd34669e252597edf3b61de7ff0040fc).jpg)
“It’s not a hangover, it’s wine flu.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRZWlCNUtVeVpDTmRDZVdDRjMxRUFCNTZMY3JlanVQQU5hcEd6ckhzRitwSGczTlhJL2lteVhXYmtQUkM2dS9ZSnc9/50+FUNNY+QUOTES/(45c4b1380f99895bada738af17894b75).jpg)
“I’m in shape. Round is a shape, right?”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRZFFUMUtIRUpQUE16aDhxaGxGazk2VkFKNTFxMlVpeHRWU0tZQ1g5T3pxb2c4d2pzQXNnbHoxeVp1VHdzM0xWd0xKM1ZDbE9NK2tyUnZiQjg4U0NqdVN3VkVMVkxLYXFUaGhXL0loQlVkcUtBPT0%3D/50+FUNNY+QUOTES/(62564ecc891a3a2016f1cfeddaf9a2df).jpg)
“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” – Michael Scott
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRZU5QU1p0dld0RWhIS1NTTWJRVGNNZzVWM2pwaDljRXNvRWFMYWFsbTB4Z3hUYzRrODBPYndNVGVlRTkxWCtvN0lXUFYzcWNwMkFxUFA2eDBuS1RpZXFwRU8xeXBaL0F0MHY5ZHI1N1c1REV0bjZvaFpFMFdCYWlqbVhaYUFxdDdJPQ%3D%3D/50+FUNNY+QUOTES/(3271dd96de47a596c5be4b43cfa0eb97).jpg)
“I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life-support to charge my phone.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRWbmNJamdWWk5kdE1wNTlpMjRWUzdBY3RFQzk2eDdNVUxWZFh6TzNCNUdudUUyWWIvQ0Q1aWhuNVNFTVZ0eVd5dUJ0QnRyNVRiVUxicFE3OUdYSi9KcjUyVnZwMTlFc25EME8wWFlIWG1JcVNFcU5MN3NhOGdtSmhMN0NMTStRPT0%3D/50+FUNNY+QUOTES/(1b7706341322ad33577abf8e19459b03).jpg)
“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.” 40 YEARS OF FRIENDSHIP QUOTES
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrUm9JdG8zcm5Rb3ZIS2p6aXRKUlhyS0RNcFJKeEdZMjJxRk13VzJQYkl3eTR4U2Z1V2szU2k2QmN1NDlwZXNKcHdlK0RmSG5WRmtYcThqeXRPUzVWWHM1alEzeDNSS25UY3pWQWV6RVpGNit0NkFNSmNOTjlFQVF5dVYrUzJMK0t0amVYUmRvK2xSaWhqN3NORHdSbzJDNUw4OWczT2k4NTZCaHkxdDF0MTFwSHNINGhyRU1ERGlpL09TbnBMbDlYZVpaSGlZNFllN1pTWG1FaXdDSzVPbC9qZTVsUmpGTi9NSmwxTHk3eTQwYVBlN09EeDFEdVZGcUdxY201QmdIV0x3TWRUUFVRQ1hkVko5ekNKVUY4MkU9/50+FUNNY+QUOTES/(5429f489e3aff8212dca0ddcb59f48bc).jpg)
“I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.” – Albert Einstein
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVDlvSTR1ZG41ZzFuMVpGVStXN3R2Z3NQUmt1L3B4L3hlTWZjdFpCOWxNclMvZi8wYzkrQTlLTEM0eEVWSi9SdXpNektVUXVXaFZvdnRNMVNqczZaMThmSmpPR2lGK3YwaDRrQ2FsS1JBR0piMDZmRm9iYnJCVGJjbzduRVEvVTVnPT0%3D/50+FUNNY+QUOTES/(918d3128a85895a6102c010db55ce637).jpg)
“I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZVVha0ZRc0M1WmFyZXZiVFJaa3EvUER6QnFFaUJIdEwvMSswdXRYUVhpNFpMM2pPeEJ4OWwyY0dnaG5zQWkwMkFDZWhLZ2lkUW1YMG1sWUtyZGRkVXlzZWxFNjM1Tzdka1Jycko3SG5CUGVVU1pKblNBKzA5VzhoZ0hZbFRXbndXUlh5RksyZEQrL2xwTWxNbU55czg4PQ%3D%3D/50+FUNNY+QUOTES/(dd5fd67c718bd88165701a587f65cc80).jpg)
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrY0FlWjlFeUtrNG90TXJHeE9xaCtTckZTT2Q0Vnl5ZFhaMWdreHp2WWJwbHU3SDBOLzhoRUxYcEZDeXM3SmRPOGJmMWlnbFpuTWoyT2pGOU5zNzhVMlVoSStjdk5qNGhRWEY0ZHBvNUVabFI%3D/50+FUNNY+QUOTES/(d6d564323e8b086fd6f2b27f5706edd7).jpg)
“Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrV3YzemhRSDRXc2FLckJiRWcwSU5ZVUVwaWF5UlJ0QnY1OVR5RDkwYTBaNFZacDBOMUZqeEQ4elZ0bm1YR3cxemR6cXE1di9jZnl1UjdtUThaSlN1TW5oNHcvWlpvTkZuTk0veTdBaHNFRW4vL1JVOFdVT2NmUFl1VHN6eHdtcGgvNmNLQmhFU2xEdnluUDdQTXNSOXpiZkhYNWlEMFJLejlGZVU3TWxFS2lM/50+FUNNY+QUOTES/(6ebbec9de154634d3f81c02b1a425778).jpg)
“I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRY052QVBTZlFMZzVhMXFDZWdxSFRBZnRrRGdkVGhOSC91OWZONkFOajlMVm02elNLYW83akZyV0dLWVYrK3l1bzdTQWl0Q2h1NE8vanVqTzJsb3hTZVo%3D/50+FUNNY+QUOTES/(d8c401eb8f2fc775c3819afcc0d7f3c3).jpg)
“I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrWUJDN2JVUTNnVFlzaVU2YkViSVo3Vk5QcS9SeElWcDVocDU3VDQ4NzRwQWJER1RyZmRXZ3FSelc4ZmdpZXc2R0Zac09PZnF0cWVWVDFSZnRUck15MlZJbDd5T0I4b1d4NkZ3RitQM1BORTg%3D/50+FUNNY+QUOTES/(b18bfdf2d70c9068975dd97bafef7cb1).jpg)
“Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrUS9aekRQZWhFS1pKUW00WDVvZFQrVUNCR3UzbmpISkhBeEJIWDVZQm5rMmd6aXZaU09yTGg5RzhWMHhTalF5L21mOWlWVGxQbnBqbS9lYkluWUV4ZHk0eXlCR3VyT0ticExEU1RELzJZTzk%3D/50+FUNNY+QUOTES/(5ec4bf292564120826fef0ad63e362d8).jpg)
“My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVDlvSTR1ZG41ZzFuMVpGVStXN3R2Z3dubVFSa3pQYWtqV2h5RFh6WlpGZjNzdnVIU0VCcytENmpVd1VWMGVCTU51VkY4b1JyNkdwVnZ0YTNyTjdKYStQdVNZZElac1FDR3o2SlhTRHdxVTk2OUhmT0FkQ0dEd2I2Z3N5bVg4WjFnaDdnUDdvZjlkK3IxdXVqaStFNmFnPQ%3D%3D/50+FUNNY+QUOTES/(80d451213f47e4231d7324f33848d5d6).jpg)
“I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZkJYSmgzZVh3S21nU25NN2VZWEZDZ1l6ZzFvL2NuWUo3VGNLWDFuV24ySG1xMUhaYVRESThhOC9vdisrU1VzTmtub3NQTXBPN3ZtUE1weUpWSHRjYkZZM3NIejU1WDNaRmVJRllqUXJnRGZKcHJ5TS8ya08xVHVjenBwRlJ3QmRnPT0%3D/50+FUNNY+QUOTES/(70abd7f12c1b054805a7e341e74e2407).jpg)
“The only way to tolerate the stupidity of others is to embrace your own.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRZDEvYmFLUE16dW8yOHRWTG90V0RmRUM0QUR3WWlsSzA5bU5pSjM0b2l4NzRLaGNpbDIyYjk0QllpVVVQT0h3YWFwaFY4V1NVZDUwajNIMlA1V0g2UWNxQXV4SFZqVStERlE0WmlZN1M2Uit3PT0%3D/50+FUNNY+QUOTES/(825feb00356d29d0b6ab24088e6b84c0).jpg)
“I’m not addicted to coffee, we’re just in a committed relationship.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRZFViYU5MbGRVa0FNNWZuMTFUR2FFTlc1UkhKYU1DTU45d3pxRkFkSVp2eXNERXlWTHhPTldSemNrNWdhQ2NsbmM9/50+FUNNY+QUOTES/(bf21d8d807beddbd214d368ce009ac91).jpg)
“I’m not clumsy, the floor just hates me.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRY0tOR21CT0FGNk45NWkyNHVIUXpOTW5vZUtvK1VwQVRhalFDeHNNMWxxYXl6d1pUdFJzQ05UT2Y4d1czeG9Dc3U4dUhJSHg2Nzk2U21QcTZhVHAyUUs%3D/50+FUNNY+QUOTES/(e4c79f6793a354b6b7787b741af51485).jpg)
“I’m not arguing, I’m explaining why I’m right.”