“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.” – Jack Handey

“I’m not clumsy, I’m just gravity’s biggest fan.”

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” – Steven Wright

“You know you’re getting old when you bend down to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.”

“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.”

“I’m not lazy, I’m in energy-saving mode.”

“I’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.”

“I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.”

“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” – Terry Pratchett

“I don’t need anger management. I just need people to stop pissing me off.”

“It’s not a hangover, it’s wine flu.”

“I’m in shape. Round is a shape, right?”

“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” – Michael Scott

“I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life-support to charge my phone.”

“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.” FAMOUS QUOTES ABOUT AIR CONDITIONING

“I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.” – Albert Einstein

“I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.”

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”

“Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.”

“I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.”

“I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.”

“Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.”

“My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.”

“I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”

“The only way to tolerate the stupidity of others is to embrace your own.”

“I’m not addicted to coffee, we’re just in a committed relationship.”

“I’m not clumsy, the floor just hates me.”

“I’m not arguing, I’m explaining why I’m right.”