![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrU0JaQzVXYnlXRDlMVDVNLzhYSTJxMmNrd0MvUGMwMUhrNGliV05BY1ljZnVLQnRFdllzWHlkWmROUEgrenJTQkQxR1FkcFAzTVNueVIrREg4enN4MXpZTnZUV1UwSE9kTmpFOWs1dlhrNW13TGMrVEFCdUpRNGxITHRpa1hOaXpvNXE1WTkvUlpXazdkLzMvN1dZZENzWmZIanAzUXVqZTJaNVVTSE90ZjlJ/SHORT+DARK+HUMOUR+QUOTES/(48aef6c04f0cb687c491396fe5d49016).jpg)
“My therapist says I have a dark sense of humor. I guess he’s just trying to lighten the mood.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrV3dXc0gxMG1lcDNaNG5SeVdETlVEVlhqSmxFdjN1Uldpd0NUNW9ETVFQY3VoNkZzMU43Y05MWll6MDRHZjBQV0pYQzRLbDY4eXBEc1czMTFTQkhuRUVLVGpBMDQ4NzdJWmdSd2VHaDdrck9HN0paZUdGSUlLdWV5MWhOK3pUVHRIRUtlU1VOTlN1b1NSYUZCcGhEc0RzVCs3SXJ4VGk0aHdRbVRXNXJqazY3/SHORT+DARK+HUMOUR+QUOTES/(86fe5a3517abe6ac82930a81f2a175a8).jpg)
“I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.'”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrUkVBOExIaHdySHM2eVFNWjBCQTBteVhJcERWQmNwV0pHSWRONitoNXFBSzFISXlLL0JDVUc3N1pHRFhxRFYzaG9NTERxRVE2bUovZWNPMGR4TVNucy9FMlZBVGZJRk5vQ1hLSlJZME85dlZTR0RlZ092aEFlbDMzbFZ6T2ZUZStvK3VnVlpLNnE3em1HMVBjUUhEZ2VVPQ%3D%3D/SHORT+DARK+HUMOUR+QUOTES/(dc06ff82d614967f37c60e690a66c9cc).jpg)
“I used to be a baker. I couldn’t handle the pressure, so I crumbled under it.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRZU5QU1p0dld0RWhIS1NTTWJRVGNNZ29pSlF1ZlZPeVVaZTNyVnBRQzhFTnhlaTZNT29xVG5VSWlwU21QVEJNZVJiWFZnak02dXI0UEJzcFJOZFVhcldYQXBzMTMvZHpnUkdETFN3cXArN3lJQ1FCWHpUUEwwWG9JMklIUlppQ2RtcWh2QmU3dzdEZVFZRmN5RWFNeHVJajJsZ0NCek5odzVyVUQwdkZJSGJXb0gwZG1tUGl1M1N6dnZua0NWNXVJND0%3D/SHORT+DARK+HUMOUR+QUOTES/(00e5d8030627dbe5dcd0c5ab7e23cb6a).jpg)
“I’m not saying I hate people, but if there was a delete button for some folks, I’d definitely use it without hesitation.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrUWx2bjk0TytUTGd1VkVuY0N6QnAveXA2eUJlWGoxMVRuV2w4cWpva3Y1cGhKYTkzd3BXL3g1TTVCcG04U0VLNlVVa01vaUthNGNjZ1A5SjZNbXR5UE1UUnV4dVFsNkFTdTdqdFhHQ3BZcnIrSmRYb0xnNEdyQWtWeHdZWkw1N1J3PT0%3D/SHORT+DARK+HUMOUR+QUOTES/(688f8072d38a6d3f2c5c91a444b8f361).jpg)
“Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrUUl6YmJBNU8xem5vY29vbHRMOFRTWTZWS0ZvOFh2M3dDYm9rNnBic2hrTUZPMG1kZmZNUGliM01Ed08wNDRwTGpsOWVEVGRaalBGc2RuUStJcVozZXd5NEV0UHJ2OFpjS05WNW5POW5VbFFRcDhncnltbnY5dWkvUlc2N3VNWU5ocWIwOWEzS1lldjhjOWczaE5qU1pIYTlRRXRVR2pETUdBaWVmbzNoS2Vk/SHORT+DARK+HUMOUR+QUOTES/(98812436b57a7ad1eee3c08cbb3db9dd).jpg)
“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye and see how much better life starts to taste.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrWHpXeUs0cXJGMU5aL0pHZC9CcDRaL21kQ1ZFWk1XNmVSdHlERU51SmV0dFdNSUhnb1hCVjVWcVBTSWV4MXFBQ3VGVjNNVHZuNUVIVkoyNzlKRytVN1dQeWhheXBmRy90SkRXeVJSSE9BYjNoQjRpZXlra0ZrWTVBRTg5UVNBUlMxTk90cnpIWXdNTjBWNVJuRkZwR0VweE9VdTkvMXZ4NllwOFhuam1RRXF2/SHORT+DARK+HUMOUR+QUOTES/(de7186f6861072d3ab6f9dd9a282a1e3).jpg)
“I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn’t talking to me.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrUUxMdGludUlTUDAyd1pKbXd0bWt4WmNrMExRM25zYkFvTjVicGQwYmdvNzJraklTUEhHY3pZOHRCSHJyWkpkNmNTOHhjeW1hQVQ3TGZNZmtRdWlVNVAyMlNQRmxQWjQwZnNrVVp3VkZGbXkwQVFEQWVMREt4SG5KM1hTam44aUZTenRMR0pBU29iVkhsTjZ1WFBuL1BJPQ%3D%3D/SHORT+DARK+HUMOUR+QUOTES/(6a2273eefde6b2683c67ef4b185d52c2).jpg)
“My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVXN0cHFIUk1KWCtGVk5oa2VxNG9vcUxKVTdLeDdEc2xGYzNNbTFTc0YvWDNDV09pek5MeHpESkpyQmF4OUUvWDVxMXpwS0FLd3o4SHFQS0g2ejNmcGVGU2IrMWdVU2RTeFY5TXYvTXphUnBWMml6U3ZKMFUyNG85NUFlR0t3MzdnPT0%3D/SHORT+DARK+HUMOUR+QUOTES/(404a27e98cdfe2de6f40431a08d68657).jpg)
“The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrU2ttZmlycFpYdENRdHNNbWZ5M0pjK2lNWG9zRGJkbi9QZmJnSUJpc2o0b3FKWDFsY2RtMEpxOXRkZldxWVNsSFFyUGMrVDZiTmcydlhIUUFPaUJQeStJR0lRRUQxbjZDcTR0RlN2YkJWZEYyWmNlL0cvVzZwZUx6a0lXcFllTmVJVXhkU0dlMFp3WjAyWS8rTEF5OFBJPQ%3D%3D/SHORT+DARK+HUMOUR+QUOTES/(bd6f371a0d04dedaba09c7c4aaee8d08).jpg)
“I took a day off from work yesterday, and my boss asked me if I could give it two more tries.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrYkQ2R3ZhU3gvdUxheW40WlkwTExiZWVZQ1VDemw4NjNYdmlXOTk1anZIQVBuRGJyMEVQTjE4Lzk2UWVyb05VWDFVc1ppeWZtS2pyU2VXK3ZoMFJmTlNrYm51VHBJRGFhYit5NDQrSzdjczlUNWhoL1N3VkYvUUJnQ09xeEpxTkV5WjYwRDhVWnB6TVNKZ2xBRUFHK25ib3hLTEVsRDc5SVZGVndlcmVSQS96/SHORT+DARK+HUMOUR+QUOTES/(5447e3d24c83038d656f0be6fe73488a).jpg)
“They say laughter is the best medicine. That’s probably why some people die laughing at their own jokes.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRYzRkaWdiNU0wY3d6bVNCK3Y4L29pVHM4QlZOOXBwVm9Fb2s1bktoMHVyaFZ6Wld1aDFjSWlGZ2VrbEZFbWhZSzV1bFJzZWlLMTdtbGlCSWdWTC81Mk4zL01HTDNVTy9JRnVwMzkzN1ZrcDRMSkdKVWN5cWlmMEd0ZzBhL2NpcEw0PQ%3D%3D/SHORT+DARK+HUMOUR+QUOTES/(d903ab12257f8b51656eb60f27392213).jpg)
“I’m like a Rubik’s Cube: the more you mess with me, the harder I get.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRZXRXZzRHZDJQdnZPQXNuTGpIeXNGckl2MURwVzZmcnc3d3JWNnZmT0hVT004eHNLRURwd1E0M1p4WkZVeTN1NGl0QXY0Vk0rcXZ0c3M4LzBhT0NvcjZ2elprcDMzeE5vMEF1YzVvQnh4K3U2SVpKc0tNSG91K1ptMmNhbE94Umh3PQ%3D%3D/SHORT+DARK+HUMOUR+QUOTES/(8ab78077ea55d86f92b82f6fddeec549).jpg)
“I’m so bad at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.” FUNNY LOVE QUOTES AND SAYINGS
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrWCt4RXc4VmszaFlYYmpPK0ZzSElVL2I3QjR1eW9Zd3RXRnZYTS82SWRJY2VBbThaWVNKbEtPNXJMUGNocUZTbFFoTjJydGt2MnpTekJnWHR5UWM4dW1HRFFLa29pN3ZVaTRGb0dJYitRalRiTDFVOWxQTGJSaE5RSXlmVUlZbjlkUyttSzdtMnJjYlc2dWkxeThqeEc4PQ%3D%3D/SHORT+DARK+HUMOUR+QUOTES/(d86b2e59a8010a42fe1cf5540b7a6399).jpg)
“My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, I had to take his bike away.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVDlvSTR1ZG41ZzFuMVpGVStXN3R2aVVrNmUxUFdZMG5Lb1VOK1hqcUYyWmU4NDhJeTVzeUxjQlo4ZHZ3dXl2R041azNFWDhKb1VzenVtd3lRVERHclZlNEwreVR4RjJyTE1semRzNm1od3ByOUp6a3RyZmRQKzNpV3VZL05vZUF3PT0%3D/SHORT+DARK+HUMOUR+QUOTES/(47840be7f6febac501dd45ba28819606).jpg)
“I don’t need anger management; I just need people to stop annoying me.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRYy9ha0NtbE1rcEVWbEk1WnAxMTNyY1NweTljbk96Z2pVU3VHMEUzd2FSSHpVenF5UE9WS3BLVmU4MDIybW5RanNDQUJJWTB2dnVmanVWbjRKUUlaTFBkWVBtOC95LzJQMjhoNTk4N05kQk5nOHAyZ2MvSDNKSUFWUFFDNU9oSStvPQ%3D%3D/SHORT+DARK+HUMOUR+QUOTES/(1d90e54ecf63f23bbf03ddb5b5a1ab79).jpg)
“I’m not shy, I’m just very good at figuring out who’s worth talking to.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrYkdSUEFhWDhuV2Y2VWwycklvWXBrQ0ZabElWUXlLMU5LdkdnbGhwdWdZdVVjM3lzMXR3MngxN0JYd2EyTDl2OHJRT2VGaGkyOFc5R0p1OGx5VHFZR3ZwTzBkcHFxZm9XZkgwZ29HQmZEQUo%3D/SHORT+DARK+HUMOUR+QUOTES/(88663902419ec71d22ad8515a66b5e03).jpg)
“I got a new job at a bakery, but I don’t knead the dough.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrWFR4aGtCWTJtMUdpL2NaWmlpTzBoYk40QWlFZU04V05UcE5BMng0WUk3aEpwOEdKc2VMa2wxaWN3dnNnTzQ1SzRVWm1kUWtka3d0aWdROXlEakhtY01YVks0a3NmRnRjL09wZUVKWVJTM0ttNS9lTVZRRXd3cS90RHY0aGd2WjROQit3Y1lYSzN2ckdvZ3dkOXc0cldNPQ%3D%3D/SHORT+DARK+HUMOUR+QUOTES/(dc46e1c0f4c6919aa93c364526b84ecf).jpg)
“My girlfriend told me I need to be more affectionate. So now I have two girlfriends.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZUxoNmxGYy9FaVZUWGZWZ1lJc3RTTWlCOGVCRnB3LzBZUmt3aUVZY09xMFNUVFJaRk82ZGkyalhYak5qclBHcW1SMG9aa2hWc2ZYelF2ZURzaVUwaE1ud3ZXVitZSDhTSHNsNnVSWUhaYjdvSEpUUXhRWEUvRGpTRjdxdUcrM3Z3PT0%3D/SHORT+DARK+HUMOUR+QUOTES/(ef44433842b8b8cfab6a7d0cab2745c2).jpg)
“You never realize how long a minute is until you’re exercising.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrUjQxN2pUVmhYM044N2Q4WEp1TG5CNnpTRmVxeVltc0RIejYxZTBUTGY2TVBXQk8rYS9Ta2w4NlBLdUxTTnpiZWlVbWtaQ3ZneUx1ZlYxc2MwaTErTE9NRXpnVUcrKzhGNTVWM3phN1JhNE8%3D/SHORT+DARK+HUMOUR+QUOTES/(db88977db3b7bb8b8d6ce82eb6688dca).jpg)
“I finally got my dream job. I still have to wake up though.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrY0FlWjlFeUtrNG90TXJHeE9xaCtTckZTT2Q0Vnl5ZFhaMWdreHp2WWJwbHU3SDBOLzhoRUxYcEZDeXM3SmRPOGJmMWlnbFpuTWoyT2pGOU5zNzhVMlVoSStjdk5qNGhRWEY0ZHBvNUVabFI%3D/SHORT+DARK+HUMOUR+QUOTES/(d6d564323e8b086fd6f2b27f5706edd7).jpg)
“Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVkNwVWozblg4SElBZ0w2bzNUN3o2dmNXbm9mT1BmaXhQdmc4czZYZ3B2V3NGandRQmtnaDVMTWVTeno2R2RZRStqOElQMm5GOWFSUU5rZ0hKM1k0UlNZdmdxUitHVS83bEdxSndEOTQrdW0%3D/SHORT+DARK+HUMOUR+QUOTES/(8f770d03e0930c2e7592a460fe5d5985).jpg)
“If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrYisrRXl6TkNtcGljOCt4SjlKaGVMUnBWUW45REtnZi9pRmN1ajRaenRUVDVicStDMFhibG9ic0IzOCtsY3Fta08yaSt2UWpnd3JlamxldzVyVm11SWM9/SHORT+DARK+HUMOUR+QUOTES/(2b429e297dbdb029a787e5b0831894a7).jpg)
“I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRZHlIR3BoYk1QRzNNK2VmVDNVZTRYZmtzU0cyNFRSVUhwcDRBYTdvK2tjMFdOTDYzdC9qOEtVN1FsYkx1ZWsvNmMxNUFCQm1UdGJWaFJjUkN5TFlVdG1TSWJkNzlxUEdrS1JnWGVjalpWMmFnTHJvZGlranNRby9MMDZRSkQ5RFNZPQ%3D%3D/SHORT+DARK+HUMOUR+QUOTES/(4c7fe7b4153271a500f3ff02abe6926f).jpg)
“I’m not afraid of commitment, I just don’t want to commit to anything.”