![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVitycWlwejQ3YzlTRlF0azJ6WWd2UWdMdkJSRTVMZjM1WXNGTmVYaXNaUVduMHZMZXcxZk1weUVya2ZHZ1hxclpyTUJtRjVsYUM5dUlhYUh6RE1Yd3cyUlVCUmhtb1lsdCs1WXNJTm5VNGpNTTY0NWpuOFVlOTBBVnZITTBaM1lMUGlkdGU2alFscWNXNzUvU1RMWFp3PQ%3D%3D/SAYINGS+AND+QUOTES+FUNNY/(176fa03fb42d22611153873289aec530).jpg)
“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… She gave me a hug.” – Unknown
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRZW5vTk9XNzlNT3dVQ1EvYzdlV0RVbDREdm5PODluQnY0TkhidnVlaFVpT25zQ25KVDZmTzdBVlNBL2NFcFVzQ3dsR1ducFpQeVYwUjU0QzZrUDIzRm9VdURNamIzblBwY2xnQkVNQzZEK0RGZUFLTGkrQWgzSTlZY29CaG9BL3ZvPQ%3D%3D/SAYINGS+AND+QUOTES+FUNNY/(2bba58fe6d3fba04b48429a6d983254c).jpg)
“I’m not clumsy, I’m just on a mission to test gravity.” – Unknown
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrWGFvMjVkVTgxZmNQYWdudjBHNm4zeDlTbUduTW5kaDQ3QzRuUVcwaTJrSkFYQys4K1hBSHZEdmFMbHlUNWhrZHNDV0VISGQ1bURCV1RYa1NGRXpFMnNNYWFnSEp0MXlVT0J5WGZrTDFXbDNGcEVuSE4wYjNMWGRyMGVXYlRGdDZmVWFtTHJpM0cweFBSeUw1aktkQnFRPQ%3D%3D/SAYINGS+AND+QUOTES+FUNNY/(b1bf97c8918c023dabab0715f860bb6f).jpg)
“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” – Steven Wright
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrUktVUXpyRSs2ZVlrYnd3bGFMakxoMlJ0NFVWcmZnTDRMb0dtWjJnemJ1SDdCczFET1Z0cWZGa2RkSHNjVmFhdzdvU2w0bVJZa2FwWFZES2t6QmJNaWJnYkpwbjJhVkxCYy9mNS80UTI4UGQ1Z21EQjNDdmpybXVRUFg2VEE5OFlnPT0%3D/SAYINGS+AND+QUOTES+FUNNY/(54b509c5091ce36b79462c0a665a72b7).jpg)
“Age is of no importance, unless you are a cheese.” – Billie Burke
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVjFOaWlaZVVQdmxaQ3dJVXVLVHdldzRCNlBpM0psbVpvTDdqelJ2N3FYVm0zWS9WbUpxaXpuY1drVHVPN2M0RHc4V0JqSkRSeldUUFNMSTZzaXVPSWZrd2NSRjRQVWcydkNUS2dOa096Q09LV0VqZ0FvMFllcE5lMm9ONURrQWd3PT0%3D/SAYINGS+AND+QUOTES+FUNNY/(383db54528e58559d438e0a93579b46f).jpg)
“My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry.” – Unknown
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRY052QVBTZlFMZzVhMXFDZWdxSFRBZnRrRGdkVGhOSC91OWZONkFOajlMVm02elNLYW83akZyV0dLWVYrK3l1bzYvZExtdEJ3NDdWcGZTdThtU241NTRjOC9DUUU2S2tCSXlNZ2FEZnpnVDBnPT0%3D/SAYINGS+AND+QUOTES+FUNNY/(0a78cced52ccb267e08b0616f258aa2d).jpg)
“I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.” – Unknown
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVEl4U1ZwT3lsT1RmZmoyMzFtcGNZWFlTU2dhNEJRdHk1TVV2REhyOGRpdHM0anJERG4rYjFqVC96T1JWTTJrQTVHTGNVc2FYd205dUpzYy82Q2dWb2ZhenQ3TGRJSXFPVDRDRFY1NldWUXNGczZZMmdxdzhQRjdpRTl3bkdUeks1QkdUcGZQamlyV2oxdnliM1pYcVM0PQ%3D%3D/SAYINGS+AND+QUOTES+FUNNY/(f74af841ebabfe430bc9138b93e9fa5c).jpg)
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” – Charles Lamb
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZkJYSmgzZVh3S21nU25NN2VZWEZDZzBGV295c3NOa3gwNlRMYkYvUXNzblJRdjNGYU9tVmZHVmtGS0RHMGtNb3ZRUGlEYXp0YmFGK1FRZ05mNHByREgxQnlodEkvbE5jRTlubnhvYU1xQ29YcHEzbW9BYkMyRW4yTUYyS0s5czhNOUhGbFFQZDRHbkUxVHBxaWd0NytRPQ%3D%3D/SAYINGS+AND+QUOTES+FUNNY/(10d37d8599470abbc2e7ef9163d2dc0e).jpg)
“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrY0VwYXh4S1ZNbTQxUVF3b0pRZWwzdTRIZC82cisyWTAwZkFtRWRwRmZTVHlkTWc5YXVVcmFoci9PN0tsZWJXRDhQeW50Tll3SjkxNVBtMWFhQlRob2lhM0wwbHF0TUNQbUIvdS8yTWZpamJLcU5sMHJsMXAyRnV0YXZxcEZuWXljODZYbDZRLzFSQWdwRGRMKzhPa1RBPQ%3D%3D/SAYINGS+AND+QUOTES+FUNNY/(d7fc06220e555bc9ecf7756fa3131bb0).jpg)
“Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own? Because it’s two-tired!” – Unknown
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrU09rMmdOMnE5WWxXd0wyUFdGVzNFMVVYTWhwN1NKTnhRaWllNU4vQ0FwTTAvbnBhMHlLSytwaWlPL3c2K3dSaXlKTlQwUDJEelRHbVJ6aCtYYXFmRXRJSVdVbVA1SmI2ei9BUWthS3dDTWwwMHltTDBDS25pOUZ0K1BCTTRnZEVRPT0%3D/SAYINGS+AND+QUOTES+FUNNY/(579446825051ebc9f70051668ddcf491).jpg)
“The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.” – Unknown
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVXRUeE42MjlrQkluUElPOFlUcWc5Ri9MbjdTenBlaHZ4YXRKU0lqUmp3ZDNEQWFvRW1nb2FseDJYN1ZoOGdHWlBXU1BHSW14QllrTnJQSE56ZlRPTHhMbVg2L0NZYTlEQ0E3RkRCaEZ4TFl3OUZ1UnE2azdCdEFKbU5ZU3JiWm5mdzFhWHRxNXhnYUl1NDZyZ1VDWU9QV2pxalhTak1hWjMrVGVYYUxYdlhWajVsM1laeGx4ZXVHcFh1RWFNOExYZz09/SAYINGS+AND+QUOTES+FUNNY/(de64768c57240c160d170edd6fbb7296).jpg)
“Inside me, there’s a skinny person screaming to get out. But I can usually shut the b*tch up with cookies.” – Unknown
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVjlRSi9tU2VnYVQwaGNDT1hmbDcrYzZ0WC9ZUEZCdUI1aDZyR0xIcDRTcloxd3c4LzFqdXRoK1Njait2QzZEZ1NlOHh5QklIVk45cHE0VytuNEs4cUV1dW1RRVBTYml3dEtXYngxaGZrUE5QenB0eEg0OFlKZnRROGxpbkpZYUFvbVVzTDlCbmw4OGFHeHFTNGZBZjJ3PQ%3D%3D/SAYINGS+AND+QUOTES+FUNNY/(946bb176a2a1c69f4d0add725cd060a6).jpg)
“I walked past a baked potato restaurant the other day… It was a-peeling.” – Unknown
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVVJkc0FkQlV3cEpxK2lSbjgyeXZFelVwUmVpcHFqdFQ0VkhpbGlvWkdlRk83RENramRNMGNXV3ZxU1oxRko5OUZVQ054alg4Q1dkeDlHTE5TcTI2V2QzcW5jTE8rUUYrdjJlRFQvME4ydFk1UUdPK3U0S0J1SFZoVkh2TW5Ob0ZjakJodFpXRnREbTdnWmFKSFpnc2JRPQ%3D%3D/SAYINGS+AND+QUOTES+FUNNY/(3eb194799ce04d69cdfd8bdbd741a230).jpg)
“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… She hugged me then.” – Unknown
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRZFFUMUtIRUpQUE16aDhxaGxGazk2VkFKNTFxMlVpeHRWU0tZQ1g5T3pxb2c4d2pzQXNnbHoxeVp1VHdzM0xWd0xKM1ZDbE9NK2tyUnZiQjg4U0NqdVNsNHNiMW10RmRCQWVaQ3ZxSUpaODYyZnIzUWxWa3ZxY0RxSXNvZzJlR2p1b1ZuWVNNNXZhY3FZelowSlhkeUhi/SAYINGS+AND+QUOTES+FUNNY/(755bcc96b734e440d9bb20dbf75df6e2).jpg)
“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” – Steve Carell HAPPY NEWSPAPER QUOTES
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRZlA5UFp3aWc3QWVFZHdrQUxqY2hzNjhxV25sWkx6VTF0RUx5eEIyV0xrdC9xNk94MDllbzVIYk1uWmFoaDVqVnVwbmRZRTRMTjZWeU5XM0hVN1d1QzdvWTJXK1hTbkRDclVOTkg0Y3R2QVhHeVJPN05oTmlGN0wwUDM4Vm5Jbzk3RWlPRHNRZlZOTDUwV2h0NGJMOFNJTDBCTmVCdHhMZm5lSExIQ3B3VzAzVGExNWRpVStyaWZjMjNuRjdwTkJQWT0%3D/SAYINGS+AND+QUOTES+FUNNY/(71cdc85cd92953c710f452bbb5c38ac4).jpg)
“I’m not saying I’m Batman. I’m just saying no one has ever seen me and Batman in the same room…” – Unknown
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrV3dXc0gxMG1lcDNaNG5SeVdETlVEVi9venFDb1JJQTNtRW9oREFrVDRaZXlTVGRhSWIxUGVUT3FDcUR2Tkg1bllxNEpLR0hQOGZ5cDlMN2N4WWs3QnZsSDQvelVuQTltQzAvb3dsTU5SNXd6Zi93VXNUeGNIaUMxVVlwdS9UTWY2WUVRS05vSnU2RWtHeVNBemhXN1BDRUMvdUVTbkQ2QTFiR29WYi83N2hMcWZnWUhwVkRlaTV2VzhMQ28yUXZMTlBROTVJWk4wSWtrTUJPcXYrNGFvNnlCc2pTNENwZU4vRFBja3R6RDJ2T2RzNFVvb1kvZ1FMS3dHb0RMTmRSS091UlhXV2pScDNVZnJTSVk2c3pYOVE9/SAYINGS+AND+QUOTES+FUNNY/(4b15bbdb2d7758069d363445b6ad595f).jpg)
“I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He replied, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t make it on Tuesdays.'” – Unknown
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVVJkc0FkQlV3cEpxK2lSbjgyeXZFelVwUmVpcHFqdFQ0VkhpbGlvWkdlRk83RENramRNMGNXV3ZxU1oxRko5OUZVQ054alg4Q1dkeDlHTE5TcTI2V2ZNNEhuSzJTRGpJWnB1eGhIR09mNWRJcEhqa1piTjFCRGgyNlN1Q056andKOExhVXF6Rjd0VjNUUm4vMUcwMEVuY0FHaFlwU3N2NzFyb3hLOXl2UnVy/SAYINGS+AND+QUOTES+FUNNY/(3280921108393e9e4ab3ca5b45c348d1).jpg)
“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… She threw her arms around me.” – Unknown
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRTblU1OUpvbUpoSTFnUEo5NEgrNlMzazlCWFJnanhRajlKK3FyTkNjdndZaExyWnVoSHRSNkZxMmNsRmlEeWNUU2Y0aTFYdW81Nk1reUVxYUpqSkxaTUltcDFmbTVLOFNCSWN5U3hPSUM3Wm5OcXFmemNYdWV6amEyV2IwUkZPcC9jRzUzbVQzM3ZLRng0ek5pZlU4PQ%3D%3D/SAYINGS+AND+QUOTES+FUNNY/(88de4e52cb85808774dc8d154c5ca56d).jpg)
“Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!” – Unknown
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrUUxMdGludUlTUDAyd1pKbXd0bWt4WkNVMXRBT2VndUVDZmR1VHNSS1ZFK3gwSkFINDlmTnlEOWNsM2xTSXM5cXlpck5EMmFzUHpGTkFxVExyRnVNTjc2RndYdUg5Wlh1MGFZT3RXU3hwTysyWitBeERPckpNUUVHVjBYTmpkL1M4QkkvSFhwazIvQzdiUVdFdGNNcExVPQ%3D%3D/SAYINGS+AND+QUOTES+FUNNY/(699fcb55f1147f5bc465b9a337f7914a).jpg)
“My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.” – Unknown
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrUlN3NXpITm1ReGFGSU1MOUp1b3c3L0RvRHVkSnFqQXdNbzd5Ymhva0orRnB0OXFpYUROcnRPUjhxYTlmbUVaaEw0c0pHLzB1NjA5UDZFNXk4UmlJeEpBSVFkYXdieFB3dXJxRVRlVnR2WHhTa3RFNUFsUml3YVlpcjlwYVVpbnozTzZEdmFSV0J2TE5pTjNJSm4yQWZBTG9tdy9CRCtjdkN0RjlCT2lSWDda/SAYINGS+AND+QUOTES+FUNNY/(350231271c71bcfc34b137befbf32325).jpg)
“I named my dog ‘Five Miles’ so I can say I walk Five Miles every day.” – Unknown
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVDlvSTR1ZG41ZzFuMVpGVStXN3R2aVVrNmUxUFdZMG5Lb1VOK1hqcUYyWnpBd0x6dHNwNnlzcFJBcDR5L2ZEMkh4N0pjY0RKWVQrNWkvWnFnMytNMWtUMG5FRDU1ajJSUnR3TDFNclVBczVEaVVYRlN6T0FYMGgzeGczd2tnZWd4U2RSaXlZemt0aVlYRTJ2U0d5MVdrPQ%3D%3D/SAYINGS+AND+QUOTES+FUNNY/(064abbd2d96556543a02414f6528e7ed).jpg)
“I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop p*ssing me off!” – Unknown
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZVVha0ZRc0M1WmFyZXZiVFJaa3EvTVZ6ZHp5NUdqMHUyeHEvZUpLYUp3Q0NzMU01c0tqUitZUHp2cnljWjBQTytKN3ZQUEJQYmVjMFJlMG8xRHVJVWNWTUhHa0xlMlhBVzhtQy9nK0twYkI0bVk0K2xneWVaQytxcnJ2anI4RnVkZmVBSjRZampoYlExaHduYXpJZ0tNPQ%3D%3D/SAYINGS+AND+QUOTES+FUNNY/(3e48cd1c340024ea61b9445d3d06e8ad).jpg)
“If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door.” – Unknown
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVVJkc0FkQlV3cEpxK2lSbjgyeXZFelVwUmVpcHFqdFQ0VkhpbGlvWkdlRk83RENramRNMGNXV3ZxU1oxRko5OUlYMG9GVlNNWHRBWVE4TE5XaVJmTEl1WHBSaUE1by9MdmYzdWxOa1Q4M3FHMkJoM25EWXhzN2N5dFdjemdEUC9Hbkx0VTVERnc2S0Y0c2haNW9LWlVBPQ%3D%3D/SAYINGS+AND+QUOTES+FUNNY/(d0aa3a4585c8fee93f63d8130e3ee1a1).jpg)
“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… So she gave me a bear hug.” – Unknown
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRZGhKL0pWLzEyeXdhS203d1g1TEZ2UTF1YlVLZGUvNk1aR0tIcm5MNktyRGlqUVJiSUpIVzBicHQ0VUpoTmU1WVdNSkdpNTNnZGhLa0V1VlA0NUVUSE9kbGppRG83YVZuelJJUC9wSHRjQnF3L2l1NGIzU0pTeGhnWmMreFR3TUVnPQ%3D%3D/SAYINGS+AND+QUOTES+FUNNY/(e9bbe22d280fc2395658c149850b6afe).jpg)
“I’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.” – Lewis Carroll
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrV3dXc0gxMG1lcDNaNG5SeVdETlVEVlhqSmxFdjN1Uldpd0NUNW9ETVFQY1RRWCtrZUVmUEJzdVpSTHdpSWNJWmJkZG0rRWZYTzhzNnVPeDBZWkNjU0dLd2ZzTnVtMXJUTUU5YnJtSVB1QXRjV3l5aFFpTytQWWtXWEZPd0thd0RJSG43YkJyRE5UOXpxWm44VW90d0VlMmZKQjhaWlJPRnVDR3NhNkRJWGFGZ0NReFpybDhZd3hGcFpFOGNrU1RlQT09/SAYINGS+AND+QUOTES+FUNNY/(47ce1d825f43101ae0f690e0c12e15a6).jpg)
“I asked the librarian if she had any books on paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re behind you…'” – Unknown
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVXpVTVpLcjdncC9sV1VQbXVCKy9OVzdDenYzMkVWWXF4dU5QMGdvVmVwNFJxd2RwVTBOZFptZnllcXVmWm9vaTlEMEowMHA2cERib1lIMjhkV0hMRmlNQ2R6NTJaNzdZcS91RTdJR1RudDRVYW1wUDVIQWo3cVZEMmhZSW83RmN3PT0%3D/SAYINGS+AND+QUOTES+FUNNY/(04d3a0fee9b0e5c739699cd91b21e620).jpg)
“If you can’t convince them, confuse them.” – Harry S. Truman
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVVJkc0FkQlV3cEpxK2lSbjgyeXZFelVwUmVpcHFqdFQ0VkhpbGlvWkdlRk83RENramRNMGNXV3ZxU1oxRko5OUZVQ054alg4Q1dkeDlHTE5TcTI2V2ZGLzBuaW1sTUNiQm1Xbkozdjd6ZVpLN2MwV1ZvMk8wT3Q1QzFXdlg5c1podklQRmtGQ2JpalJsRHhxR0JDSThJb2tXVlBkcHl3aUF2dGY2NS9xdzJY/SAYINGS+AND+QUOTES+FUNNY/(2b4078041db6fe26d2789d77bfbf2b63).jpg)
“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… She gave me the cold shoulder.” – Unknown