![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVitycWlwejQ3YzlTRlF0azJ6WWd2VEF4WjdnU0pvVEpwZnhWQkIrZmQzRHlhWHU1ZHhMT3UvWndzSjRlcmlGNzVIUXZEOVIwaHpKS1ZRWWQ1OVd6YXd6TlI1ci81RXI2a2RJUWhYbVZsUFRzYlNsQ0NySHNsL2xWYzJkcXU4cjhGWVR6dnZ4UWhITmt0NzF3ekpBQnJMbytmV3pVbTJSbVRFWVI1ZkF0MU01YlU5TnFvK3ZBOGYxR0VPSkZSbTRJS2I4SDcrVWRBMUQ1dGdHUnRBMmJ5Z0VtQ1lhVk9DSzBERTk3MkYxYXhBVldSdkNWWTBsNUpITWZMVktzMjdTT1E9PQ%3D%3D/RODNEY+DANGERFIELD+QUOTES+ABOUT+LIFE/(a4c1628929da093e03e8e16a184774c8).jpg)
“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVk90UG9YcWtNVVZLbHRlMkQ0dUsrUEFnd3hGWW5jVWtYRlNBajZUUk1WUnJkejRTOGpTSUFrU0o0ZjlXdHlXNkxmUFFlMU9CNXJ0YzRSM2tLODNGdFFjV2V0YkNxMzgwNDRTaUNVaWp6RVQ2ZkdneENJSHZJSTB3bnBTdnQ3WnJYY2tXWVRWQWErOWV2eE9RL1ZBd3JBPQ%3D%3D/RODNEY+DANGERFIELD+QUOTES+ABOUT+LIFE/(3a81b654799da1be2f96a062cc9e94e8).jpg)
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVXRDTDA5OEdZTnJTaU4xbk9sMkFGUHRHbjZ1NFg0aFRpSHVEb3RmNEMybGIrUXIrOTBxbXRRSXVXNjErUTdxdUY3d20rbGZ0QUcrVWcyYjJLaTU4RjRBMklSMFdEdXFXem9XbnlUTXRnVXhXejQ2VkMrcWhwdFJLbUZvajdNVkFBPT0%3D/RODNEY+DANGERFIELD+QUOTES+ABOUT+LIFE/(189ba13aa56744877fb5d610a655ea98).jpg)
“My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrY3lrNTlOWlhqalBLYXloQUdqS1htNGo2QVNEancyNXBuRXFDNmsyZ0x3TWdVOFBoNUNwZzRwWk82YTB4VDNabE5mWkQ0U2lWUFhEMVExckRyamxIQUJCcjdheUpYUFZFQ0J6aUhwSEZmQU02Y25wbVdKSGVlaGhzUjU2a3V6dk5LOW1QTUQ3WUtLbU5mWEk1U1FIYjRxd3VGTlIxUFI3MWN1WkJMTUM5ZnpsU0FoaDBEbHppSUVZY3lxM2NoNDNLZEwzYkFINFJZdVlnRWxvUnVrVE4vQT0%3D/RODNEY+DANGERFIELD+QUOTES+ABOUT+LIFE/(efdca4d5b1d134402f36536f03430823).jpg)
“I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor told me I should start taking a little with my breakfast. So now I have cereal and a beer.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVVJkc0FkQlV3cEpxK2lSbjgyeXZFelVwUmVpcHFqdFQ0VkhpbGlvWkdlRjA5VndDS2RYUzlLUFEwUzVWTkVWZjVKelkwRnJENTVlcVlMT1pYa3dBSnVTd21IWFl2YmJsNW1iQkozcVJxZXV5UkprNUwzNzlpYmV5S040dWZqWmhMY0JHV3lWVmdYaWdBMURKb0dsREtKc0ZMMDJDaDEwdXF0NUt0bWdsSTF2Q3FzYTVyQnhuY1BFM0VtaVBNTDdyUT09/RODNEY+DANGERFIELD+QUOTES+ABOUT+LIFE/(d28304f6e9c7486a1bf6df9d86f11819).jpg)
“I told my wife she should be more adventurous. She said, ‘Okay, go ahead, try sleeping with a younger woman.'”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZUExRyt4NWhaVGNjeWsrc1pxbnNCZktFZmdsZGZDanR0ZG5JWmtBbWVBVFdTemxTdXdnbW5EL0NZY2VKK0QvSlF3R1piMzIyMzAzRVJIUkdqRHJZZ0svckRQQzZzZWhkSVFBbVQ4TEZNTjk%3D/RODNEY+DANGERFIELD+QUOTES+ABOUT+LIFE/(613b4f7a549ab7a043900a307858b0f1).jpg)
“I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrUUxMdGludUlTUDAyd1pKbXd0bWt4WlFQcW5wZ3IwazdCMW0vOUllV1lpZEs0eG4vd3IwOTYwMGs1eDhTL0YwTnZrV3AzVHF0ekt4K2c4UTNVYXJNZzNQUUNONzFGTXM2L2laYU15SGFiTkNHZVJMU3RpSzF3MjdwazFoaFk3ZjgxazFUeTNIeWdHYksvK3ZpK05aOFhtNWVnUTc5V3pBNXBPakhldmlwQklQeDRQa29scHk2SGdFdDFGVjVYUFFiY2RWckY4VHZNTDNlN09EVDBiOWJvND0%3D/RODNEY+DANGERFIELD+QUOTES+ABOUT+LIFE/(32f49839cd32c02cc9df49e1866f7d19).jpg)
“My wife told me I need to find my inner child. So, I’ve been searching for it ever since, with no luck. Turns out, I was born an old man.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVVJkc0FkQlV3cEpxK2lSbjgyeXZFekVRU0tCTDd4Y1FZTGpINDMzNWVGVXQzYTd1eHJmMEVTVnpaMW5LQ3NqTUZTUTlpYXFDYXY1M0hjVjI5ZXlob01IaVg5OXFmdVBQZ0xjaS9kdUpnMks4MkRrdWViOU1OdGJEbXJ4clIvcmUzN1dhUk9iLzkzbFNtdkh5K2tidWpGa3ZTcmxjQ1BjNnBES3RGSi9BQ1ZXMXh3N3k5Z2RCUHJOdVFZdUVnRUc4WmczQlpMbkxQSXcrclYyZk8ybXAvOD0%3D/RODNEY+DANGERFIELD+QUOTES+ABOUT+LIFE/(3a4cc91a21a733c3eeb4de4a7ed3f924).jpg)
“I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She told me she wanted to be buried at sea. I said, ‘Okay, you win, we’ll go fishing.'”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVVJkc0FkQlV3cEpxK2lSbjgyeXZFeHJaRXFQSXNwemdKanU1UzhkU3h6ZkxvUWsvMDF0TDdXQ3BpVFFVeFFMMHZWZExNOGRkQVp4VFZMcmdFa0kyTktvdEg3VFN6Ym5UNVI3TTliVGsyVGdJTVdiL1pVNm1yZnlYWjY1WnJEOW5LMExnZSsvamViU0pMaklhTTZoek9CL25mTGpWaWJTemtGM0VYZ2dxZDZLSnQ2dUxGdCtUS2kreGF6bm82dWJuVkhqZFcyb0tQcUt0WWJ0c09TVFYyQklFMVhFd1RzQ2pIZGk3UzBVOU5IbA%3D%3D/RODNEY+DANGERFIELD+QUOTES+ABOUT+LIFE/(f6ef28e6a02dcb573c7cba7003e67849).jpg)
“I told my wife she looks sexy with her glasses on. She said, ‘I’m not wearing glasses.’ I said, ‘No wonder you look so good!'”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrUUxMdGludUlTUDAyd1pKbXd0bWt4WnlObllaSGh6L21CVnVmdzFjcTNMc2dRSWFDakdhL2lYU01mK1l5cnUvR3dycWxWZ0IveElyTmVoUVlrY1RyNmhsZ1RsYy9jYnVtelZlekR3eVV2TnJubmxTVDJkc2xRMDdDRlcwcTdFdW9IaVNteUY4aFdZdTBQYnBNdmV3QnBraHNERGNqdHFQbHJ3Tm85TEt0MDcr/RODNEY+DANGERFIELD+QUOTES+ABOUT+LIFE/(572a1474d51f1c115ef8f176e0a8dc16).jpg)
“My wife can’t cook at all. I asked her to make me a salad, and she put the lettuce in the toaster.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrV3dXc0gxMG1lcDNaNG5SeVdETlVEV01RUU5VbWxBOWVDZ3M2QnN5bmVVNVZFTTM3ZVAyMTM4V0tOb3dIMmZOaml6MjFtelBoeTZqWHVwUU0yekp3UHovN0FmYVpIcFA2VVAzcFVQTTFxT3JNUlpGTnNmMm4wZGRYRWJ5alBRYnRNRjFXeUpNb0ZtOE5vU2QxQ3loaFJmL2FRV1U0M1RjSlJNZldjdmQwYTRm/RODNEY+DANGERFIELD+QUOTES+ABOUT+LIFE/(ff895fbe20b5b36904ae7ecf5014a3cd).jpg)
“I asked my wife if she ever cheated on me. She replied, ‘Who told you? The gardener? The mailman?'”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrUUxMdGludUlTUDAyd1pKbXd0bWt4WktSNzBBdk9SN25GZStXUTFDN3k1TFNHS0k2VnpqN0N6VDM3UEs5MjRmMG9GaDQyRjl5aGlmcnF0YmI2UFE1RDhaMEY5RCs1WnBSYm03dWdDdUN2clc4WTMxREJiS3RyQU9tcHUyOVprZXVnPT0%3D/RODNEY+DANGERFIELD+QUOTES+ABOUT+LIFE/(5cf20010c38f2bb858660d9dfea8921a).jpg)
“My wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from a hotel room.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrYWw4MmIvWjd0QXBNRjFRSTAwZ1BFZ0ZMNnJpYVlRb0JGYzh1SmdQb0hNcWN0a0FobzIrRXkzcTNKTzJVMmduQ2lISUxSMGVMMTNCb3Z1c2FpR1lqbGpmMXZGc3c4NGxmNnk1d3VYbEFqR0EybkVnZDFXTkVYczNnc3lnT1JDbEsvYThCQWhFcG02c0dQWEh3SDY2WjZGZTJwUU9yOExaRm1UVDdlSEtPeTM0/RODNEY+DANGERFIELD+QUOTES+ABOUT+LIFE/(7b516426bb29f86479313a2bbfbd2ae7).jpg)
“When I was born, I was so surprised, I didn’t talk for a whole year.” EVENING LIKE THIS QUOTES
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrUUxMdGludUlTUDAyd1pKbXd0bWt4YVhsR3hPT2dCbHBJT2c0S2dZRTRocVZIUkRVV2d6bzJuZy9oOThSUk1DeHdKOHYzNTk5cndVMm9zai92THA3Y2xYMiswRWRXUWo4OGo4YWNKN0lFUytoSXRiS3lMZmVJWC9IQ3N0SjUzYU1wejJ4bENaeTFPc0RoVmZGOEFHTlJLNzBTalkrL0E1QXpzOWpVeERrUTR3Vnk3bHVXMlRLM0xDcVdnblJJeXhvUT09/RODNEY+DANGERFIELD+QUOTES+ABOUT+LIFE/(feb19826bad9f6acd3199472cbda0837).jpg)
“My wife told me she wants to have dinner in the dark. I said, ‘Why? Are you afraid someone will see you with me?'”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVVJkc0FkQlV3cEpxK2lSbjgyeXZFekVRU0tCTDd4Y1FZTGpINDMzNWVGVUdadnlTaE9Fc3krVXkvcmh5b3NmeXk2ckxzY242cUtrSFh1UVhGNXY5R25pMHcxbzlFOGlRNEtIZDdBenhHeVNrU3NMbHNSakR4bEV4c1dmOVY0QjNNS3VwMUZCaTRhUE9ON1RCZExSSTRFUkpZSzQxeGZxYmpUYUMzMEo0czQ2WjJDUVpROGo1RGhzcHNXRzVjSTBQL2RSa0dibWVIOUNsVThSTFEveTFCQT0%3D/RODNEY+DANGERFIELD+QUOTES+ABOUT+LIFE/(64dbad7244f77cbdfa2ee6b273caeef1).jpg)
“I told my wife I wanted to be a comedian. She said, ‘But you’re not funny.’ I said, ‘Neither are most comedians.'”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrUUxMdGludUlTUDAyd1pKbXd0bWt4YVhsR3hPT2dCbHBJT2c0S2dZRTRocWZWdERCNm5lQThtN0pQM09zQnN6WDJWZ0k3d0MvaXM1eXlGYmNvS3RtczBZc2pjUVNORmhGRy91ajQ4ZC9DOWtXMDNOc2J4TUptVlpLR3ArbVpwS0pGR1Ywbjg0czNrM3B4UGV6bXN1UjZDTEgrYzJ3OVRLWThaR1FPQjA2UlljRFU1R290SkUyT2pKc0U3TS9pZnZQQT09/RODNEY+DANGERFIELD+QUOTES+ABOUT+LIFE/(4c34f5ed4263478e26dfb00ccb0155d9).jpg)
“My wife told me she wants to be treated like a princess. So, I put her in a tower and surrounded her with dragons.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrV3dXc0gxMG1lcDNaNG5SeVdETlVEVWpyckJWdWxrVjN1SlM4THA5VFhNSXgrYStwN080R2dORktKdVA5Ky9OM3dEUjlYd01jbWppMkdlRjdFSjdjdVYrdXNUc0ZFUFpEdS9aTytyMmtpU1lRNmpyQVBnVWlXQkhKeXFLd0gzL3hWd21ONllodDJ5VDNJWnlPZi9KWDlBdkg2bW1mNkIyMXlaQ1pzN0ZWekpMSHdBZStNR1B5RVUrMDEvcGVXbzhuM0VMaDMxTndHRm9DNElvL0NKVHJUQllYVGxlWFEzZFJNK21PQVp1V1BwRkJFWjlzaktSaEhiRkpFZFkxTkJhc3c9PQ%3D%3D/RODNEY+DANGERFIELD+QUOTES+ABOUT+LIFE/(618b0785709d7fa894bc110105fc81ad).jpg)
“I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in three seconds.’ So, I bought her a weighing scale.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRZmsxakYzTGhtcHlYemJuWFI1cHNvb3dCcjNDYVMwbW83Ym5wSmpYeXN1UnVnUTVnVVA5di81TVJOc2pyb1NVeXhaT1ozV2U5a0lhelVDUUxBTmVrVlNjanBjZ0tLWFZjdlN3cUFDZXZRTVkyTzQwZjFTZ3lJUml5KzVkenE0YlhBPQ%3D%3D/RODNEY+DANGERFIELD+QUOTES+ABOUT+LIFE/(cf5d468e2f1623ecb6fc3ebf7c14673f).jpg)
“I’m not a sexy guy. I went to a hookup app and swiped left on everyone. The app crashed.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrUUxMdGludUlTUDAyd1pKbXd0bWt4YUt1NHhEYnpCcWhoeEhPOG1sZ2UyYVlvaTY5Y25Fckd3ZjRGM0ErS1FUK211WjkrUll2azJvbHVvUFJta0t1VWRYSmRzVjVlTEZiQXRNS1N1ai93bVRsVGYxVlVuRXNBNElnV0d2QUFFQWx0M0tFc1NZeXRzY1JLVUVGcGFub1RzPQ%3D%3D/RODNEY+DANGERFIELD+QUOTES+ABOUT+LIFE/(c623e20f1aac9f1680a49db16844ad3a).jpg)
“My wife and I decided to have separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in New York.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrUUxMdGludUlTUDAyd1pKbXd0bWt4YVhsR3hPT2dCbHBJT2c0S2dZRTRocTZCUWtPRlJEeTZKRW5lR3BHNjFSTTVEdnZ6dzZnaWtSSllqUFNuR2VCWmxhcUJzdUt3MEl3WjdSZjRaOGdLNXd0WWw3Sm1FRDhPUmlldjNpWWtDc1JaNllOclJMZzZObzY1WE9IV2ZBbmNXeWJ2NWc3czRCM2t2Z05heGIyYVROREl1WFZ2KyttSVJFTkxVQUFRVGpVZz09/RODNEY+DANGERFIELD+QUOTES+ABOUT+LIFE/(c6d6be412493b926e5ce0777be66c83a).jpg)
“My wife told me she wants to make love in the backseat of the car. I said, ‘I don’t think it will fit.'”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrUUxMdGludUlTUDAyd1pKbXd0bWt4YmxxSnBLVkliQTExRWIvOE9WMlQxUSt6VzA3MTB3WUVTQy9NbEtuK0JoZUtGK2VQVS9LMW56RVA0UUptRk1HSXEyYlRKdFRXaStLWTdsQ0N3ZHYxNkJ6N2FoSk5laUNKTnkwUWpEWlhQNGVFRXJCcGtmZ3B5MityeWhUcFYrOE9RdVV5S0tKYlo3ek1ML3ZrVmdpM0Zp/RODNEY+DANGERFIELD+QUOTES+ABOUT+LIFE/(c41f3553f4e5f6710de34df0b81c299a).jpg)
“My wife said she wanted a divorce because I’m too insecure. No wait, she said she wants a horse. My bad.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrV3dXc0gxMG1lcDNaNG5SeVdETlVEV3BGSkNIR296VVZncHVrcVg2b3pCRjFBRytESEdTN1ZzZTdOeWhhdU9xT2Q2aFR4YlV1Q2JESXkwcnJ2L3BpYThXakR3U1BPbWlVM0hoMS8xdS9mczRTSlBsbzhuRi80S0xMVlBtR1ByekxGVkRwdUgvTjNqOWlmdENmZlVhSmtBPQ%3D%3D/RODNEY+DANGERFIELD+QUOTES+ABOUT+LIFE/(3bf113bfe7d2650508e968449bd3c818).jpg)
“I asked my wife if she believed in ghosts. She replied, ‘Not until I married you.'”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrUUxMdGludUlTUDAyd1pKbXd0bWt4YVhsR3hPT2dCbHBJT2c0S2dZRTRocWRZZmhiNm10aEZ3ZzZ6RU8xWi9zT0RhbEMzSDBjZHIzY1pQQ3FHZ2xNY25JTHh0ZXpRN21GbEg0TDkzWGl3d0xjNW9nT1d5M0YrRjAvZHZ1ZDA1OWNYVGdiSEdXRFlscmo0aHRhYzhOdDlsZUpRSXZ1VFhGRjVJWHRwdzh6UjJm/RODNEY+DANGERFIELD+QUOTES+ABOUT+LIFE/(2284cb9b513d23a1851cacfb68bcd9c0).jpg)
“My wife told me she wants to try a threesome. So, I called two of my closest friends. They didn’t pick up.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrU2szd0ZDejB1bHkwRnMzUzlYV0ZqSkcwZWd2bEZzcWRsVkZseU4zZTBCb1RjSGhvVVRULzNTMVI4UzcrcmUxczdEc3grcDE2VWJGdGZmMWZsV0N4cHB3Nzhub2hGREFaR0FYZGJLcUUrNlNDMkhuRTJ6cXFFWmhLTmR4c2hOWTRhd3hSeXJ2bm0vVENxdVhhZUNyVUs4c1FqY09mTHhxS0k3STVJdGtYSEVWN3NTbHoyY0cwN3dpSW9xOUlOQzE0Zz09/RODNEY+DANGERFIELD+QUOTES+ABOUT+LIFE/(e5ab53b6dd629c385f7d0a97b1df963b).jpg)
“When my wife catches me staring at other women, she gets mad. Does she really think I’m in the market for a new wife?”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVVJkc0FkQlV3cEpxK2lSbjgyeXZFekVRU0tCTDd4Y1FZTGpINDMzNWVGVW5qSHV2dUNpZ0dzMlJiL2VNZTdGZGIyRlJzK0R0S1JFTnBNY0JWRmRUaGV2eW10MFFWd0x3aUxTSjZJckpyNy80Tm1VRWpMUTh2NTZkcFdWK0lSc3psY05wcE1vcHhWam5YZlY1dG0rWE9rckN2M05tdnNyWms1Wmx3cFUyQXV3emlmeFhhSlBQVko5Z2gzM2Q0SzA5b0NXbW90c3RmbTExeTFsdlNlMlpURT0%3D/RODNEY+DANGERFIELD+QUOTES+ABOUT+LIFE/(26db72b05788ecf58d38e7703ce0a139).jpg)
“I told my wife I wanted to be a millionaire. She said, ‘Great, start acting like one.’ So, I ignored her and continued watching TV.”