“I’m as American as apple pie and the fourth of July!” – Stan Smith

“Randy is never wrong, Stan. That’s why he has a TV show.” – Roger Smith

“I’m not saying America is perfect, but who’s gonna lead the world in smoking really cool stuff? ” – Roger Smith

“You know what they say, Stan. Once you go black, you’re gonna need a wheelchair.” – Roger Smith

“I’m not a bad guy. I’m just misunderstood with a great body.” – Roger Smith

“Sometimes the good guys have to do bad things to make the world a better place.” – Stan Smith

“I’m not gonna let some Chinese toilet paper make me forget that I live in the greatest country in the world!” – Stan Smith

“Freedom is God’s way of letting Americans total jerkwads think they’re heroes.” – Stan Smith

“I’m shaking up a Martini, and I’m not talking about the drink. I’m talking about a woman named Martini. She’s in the basement and she’s not shaking.” – Roger Smith

“I don’t know, Stan. I just like wearing disguises. Makes me feel pretty.” – Roger Smith

“If we can’t hate ourselves, how are we gonna hate someone who’s different from us?” – Stan Smith

“I’m gonna go to the store and buy a little dignity, but it won’t be easy because everything is made in China.” – Roger Smith

“You liberals are all the same. You believe in tolerance until someone disagrees with you.” – Stan Smith

“I may not be the smartest guy, but I’m the most committed to being dumb.” – Roger Smith

“God bless America, land of the free, home of the Whopper!” – Roger Smith

“In America, we don’t solve problems, we blow stuff up!” – Stan Smith DISAPPOINTED LOVE QUOTES FOR HER

“I’m not afraid to admit it, Stan. I love trashy reality TV. It makes me feel better about my own life.” – Francine Smith

“In America, men have the right to bear arms and wear sleeveless shirts. It’s called freedom, Stan.” – Roger Smith

“I don’t want total war. I just want a little piece of it.” – Stan Smith

“Stan, I love you like a gay guy loves musical theater. And trust me, that’s a lot.” – Roger Smith

“I’m the MacGyver of weed. Give me a bobby pin, a paper clip, and I’ll hotbox the shit out of this room.” – Roger Smith

“I’m not a conspiracy theorist, Stan. I’m a conspiracy realist.” – Roger Smith

“America may not be perfect, but at least here you can buy a gun and shoot a can off a fence.” – Stan Smith

“I don’t judge people by the color of their skin. I judge them by the content of their character. And most people have shitty characters.” – Stan Smith

“I’ve been living with you for fifteen years, Stan. I’ve seen you do a lot of things, but fixing a sink is not one of them.” – Francine Smith

“As an alien, I’m an expert at blending in and pretending I’m not an alien. It’s like acting, but with fewer auditions.” – Roger Smith

“I call this my ‘thank God I’m not married to a woman who withholds sex’ look.” – Roger Smith

“In America, you can be anything you want as long as you’re rich or famous.” – Stan Smith

“I’m not a bad person, Stan. I just do bad things for fun.” – Roger Smith

“In America, we don’t discriminate. We hate everyone equally.” – Stan Smith