“Sure, I can handle it Father, I just need to drink lots of tea and consult the whiskey bible.”

“You’re a bold little priest, aren’t ya? Serving your whiskey disguised as tea.”

“Ah, Father Dougal, you’re like the last scene of a mafia movie. Everyone’s afraid to move in case they get shot.”

“Sure, the whole world’s in a terrible state, Father Dougal, but I find that the best approach is to ignore it and hope it goes away.”

“My lovely horse, running through the field, where are you going with your fetlocks blowing in the wind?”

“Father Dougal, are you trying to tell me that you’ve been up all night watching Gigli? That’s just cruel and unusual punishment!”

“Father Jack, you’re a valuable member of this household. By valuable, I mean nobody else will have you.”

“Ah, Ted, the money was just resting in my account. It was tired from all the traveling.”

“I noticed your plant’s looking a bit peaky. Have you tried giving it some whiskey?”

“A happy priest is a rare sight, like a nun on a skateboard.”

“Well, Father Dougal, there’s nothing wrong with you a nice cup of tea and a lobotomy wouldn’t fix.”

“Ah, Mrs. Doyle, you’re like the Duracell bunny. You just keep going, and going, and going.”

“Sure, Father Jack, I’d call you a drunken old fool, but that would be an insult to all the drunken old fools of the world.”

“They say a picture is worth a thousand words, Father Dougal. In your case, it’s more like a picture book.”

“Ah, Father Jack, you’re like a glass of fine whiskey – strong, bitter, and impossible to understand.” QUOTES ABOUT GIVING ALL YOUR LOVE

“I’m not saying you’re old, Father Ted, but your knee is so creaky, it could be a percussion instrument.”

“Father Dougal, you have the intelligence of a baked potato. And I’m not talking about the fancy ones with the cheese and bacon on top.”

“Ah, Mrs. Doyle, your tea is like a kiss from an angel, if that angel was made of caffeine and mild sedatives.”

“Father Jack, you have the sobriety and self-control of a toddler at a candy store.”

“Father Dougal, you’re like a reverse fountain of knowledge – instead of wisdom, you spew out pure nonsense.”

“Ah, Father Ted, you have the charm and wit of a politician. And by that, I mean you’re full of empty promises and questionable hair.”

“God bless the fasting, for it gives us an excuse to eat twice as much when it’s over.”

“Ah, Mrs. Doyle, your cooking is like a slap in the face with a wet fish. And by that, I mean it’s both unpleasant and hard to forget.”

“Sure, Father Jack, you’re like a force of nature – a big, loud, and destructive force of nature.”

“Father Dougal, if stupidity were an Olympic sport, you’d certainly take home the gold medal.”

“Ah, Father Ted, your sermons are like a lullaby – they put me right to sleep.”

“Ah, Mrs. Doyle, your enthusiasm for cleaning is both awe-inspiring and terrifying.”

“Sure, Father Jack, you have the hygiene habits of a caveman. I’ve seen toilets in worse condition than you.”