DAVID ROSE FUNNY QUOTES

“I grew up in a motel, I mean, that’s as close to camping as David Rose ever got.”

“I’d like to drink red wine and browse the internet!”

“I’m incapable of faking sincerity!”

“I’ve got more important things to worry about than a dead plant, okay? Like my dead love life.”

“I have to ask, do you have any other horrible news to share? Because I feel like I should just get it all at once.”

“I’m trying very hard not to connect with people right now.”

“Fold in the cheese and then just like shove it in your mouth.”

“You have no idea what I’d give to be in a backyard right now… to have an actual backyard.”

“I’m allergic to Christmas! It makes me break out in confrontation.”

“Wine is always the answer. What was the question?”

“I’m positively bedeviled with meetings today.”

“I’m always surprised by how offended people get when they’re excluded from something I knew nothing about.”

“My horoscope said it was a good day to follow my dreams. It didn’t say anything about following my nightmares.”

“I support the concept of buying things for their potential.” QUOTES FOR THE DEAD ONES

“I can’t even stomach the thought of wearing something so practical.”

“I just Googled ‘how to put someone on a waiting list without sounding like a bitch.'”

“Oh, I will stop when I am dead, and not a minute sooner!”

“I’m incapable of faking receptiveness!”

“It’s literally going to rain tequila.”

“I’ve built walls. Not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to climb over them.”

“All my life I’ve prided myself on being smooth, and this is the one time I could have used a bit of grit!”

“The Internet called, and it said you’re running out of websites.”

“I’m trying very hard not to get sucked into my own personal hell right now.”

“I feel like I’m going to need therapy after this conversation.”

“Literally I could go sailing right now if I wanted to. I don’t.”

“The power of the eyebrows is not lost on me.”

“Do you have any kombucha? I feel like a small animal died in my stomach.”