DR HOUSE FUNNY QUOTES

“Rational arguments don’t usually work on religious people. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be religious people.”

“If you’re dying and wanna see your mom, phone, not telepathy.”

“Never trust a doctor who puts his name on the side of his car.”

“Treating illness is why we became doctors. Treating patients is actually what makes most doctors miserable.”

“You don’t get to interrupt me. It’s the only way I get smarter.”

“I’m pretty sure if I were actually drowning, I would have my eyes closed.”

“The most successful marriages get through the day one.”

“Everybody lies.”

“Sometimes the only way to move forward is to stop answering questions.”

“Vintage is a euphemism for ‘old and ugly.'”

“If nobody hates you, you’re doing something wrong.”

“You want to know how two completely unrelated people in the same room can become friends? I sleep with a woman, and you walk in.”

“It’s a vasectomy, not castration. The only thing you’ll lose is the ability to have children. And you’ll still be able to drive your sports car and overcompensate for your sexual insecurity.”

“I checked your room. There’s no evidence that anything interesting is happening in your life.”

“Friends exist for two reasons: to save us from loneliness and make us drunk.” ANDREW TATE WORKING OUT QUOTE

“I’m not anti-social, I’m just not social.”

“Okay, grab a seat, I’m gonna need a minute to think. No, wait, I’ll do it faster if you just leave.”

“I find the key to aging gracefully is to avoid it altogether. Lobotomy? I’m in.”

“Sarcasm is anger’s ugly cousin. When I’m snarky, I’m at my best.”

“I don’t do blood. It’s messy, it smells. Kudos to you all for going out there and taking on the red gold.”

“I solve cases, not relationships. I’ll leave that to people with less valuable skills—like yours.”

“If you want doctors who can brush your hair and bake cookies, that’s your problem. I need doctors who play God like high-stakes poker.”

“If I were a vampire, I’d want you to be my daylight.”

“Congratulations on discovering you have a uterus. Did you name it yet?”

“I’m not a ‘sit in silence’ kind of person. You ever taken aspirin? Silence is not the cure for cancer.”

“Don’t step up if you’re going to act like a pussy when you get scratched.”

“I take risks, sometimes patients die and nothing changes. Some live and nothing changes. But once in a while, maybe one time in a hundred, a patient is actually cured.”

“I have the bedside manner of a cobra.”

“I’d love to, but I’m already halfway through what is apparently my last box of cigars, and for some reason, I’m out of Vicodin.”