“I am fast. To give you a reference point, I’m somewhere between a snake and a mongoose…and a panther.”

“There are too many people in this world. We need a new plague.”

“I have been Michael’s number two guy for about five years and we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like…Mozart’s friend. No, I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you’re gonna get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.”

“In the Schrute family, we have a tradition, where when the male has sex with another woman, he is rewarded with a rare breed of mink. It’s an incentive, to keep the species going.”

“I never smile if I can help it. Showing one’s teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.”

“The eyes are the groin of the head.”

“Bread is the paper of the food industry. You write your sandwich on it.”

“Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.”

“I am not a hero. I am a high-functioning sociopath.”

“When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had reabsorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.”

“Rats are the perfect predator. They’re light, they’re fast, they can chew through wood, concrete… Anything except metal. That’s why, in the event of a rat invasion, I always keep a lead pipe in my bedroom.”

“I hear things. In fact, I heard that when Jenna Fischer got engaged, the entire cast of The Office went into therapy.” GROWING FRIENDSHIP QUOTES

“If onlys and justs were candies and nuts, then everyday would be un de donkfest!”

“I am not a black bear, and I am not a brown bear. I am a killer bear.”

“It has become appallingly clear that our technology has surpassed our humanity.”

“I have a lot of questions. Number one, how dare you?”

“I stopped caring a long time ago.”

“I am a black belt in gift wrapping.”

“When someone smiles at me, my brain assumes that they’re plotting something against me.”

“I need to be surrounded by people I like to do my best work.”

“I am faster than 80% of all snakes.”

“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”