ERIC ANDRE FUNNY QUOTES

“I sleep in a racing car, do you?”

“I’m like a goddamn mummy. I’m always wrapped up in my own shit.”

“When life gives you lemons, just say ‘fuck the lemons’ and bail.”

“I once saw a homeless man arm wrestle a pigeon for a slice of pizza. It was intense.”

“I have the sex appeal of a decomposing whale carcass. And I’m okay with that.”

“If I was a superhero, my power would be the ability to make awkward situations even more awkward.”

“I love walks on the beach, but only if I’m the one leaving footprints in the cement.”

“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”

“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.”

“If people say they just love the smell of freshly brewed coffee, then I’m pretty sure they’re just sniffing cocaine.”

“The best part about being a pessimist is that you’re constantly being pleasantly surprised.” WOMAN QUOTES ABOUT SELF WORTH

“I’ve learned that the key to life is being a dumbass and pretending you’re not.”

“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.”

“I don’t mind being labeled as crazy. I just wish people wouldn’t try to diagnose me.”

“If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.”

“You don’t need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.”

“You know you’re getting old when you bend down to tie your shoe and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.”

“Some people say ‘If you can’t beat them, join them.’ I say ‘If you can’t beat them, beat them.’ Because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.”

“I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.”

“Some people just have a way with words, and other people… not have way.”