“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me.'”

“If I had my life to live over, I would have talked less and listened more.”

“Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”

“Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.”

“Dreams are illustrations from the book your soul is writing about you.”

“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.”

“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the ‘Titanic’ who waved off the dessert cart.”

“Housework, if you do it right, can kill you.”

“The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.”

“Insanity is hereditary. You can catch it from your kids.”

“Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.”

“My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you?”

“It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.” NO ONE LIKE YOU QUOTES FOR HER

“When humor goes, there goes civilization.”

“The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.”

“Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean while wearing clothes they never wash? If you have just answered, ‘A house guest,’ you’re wrong because I have just described my kids.”

“My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.”

“A child needs your love, not your sweat.”

“Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.”

“The grass is always greener over the septic tank.”

“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”

“It is not until you have a baby that you realize how much you don’t know about life.”

“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”

“My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.”

Note: These quotes are attributed to Erma Bombeck, but due to the nature of online sources, their accuracy cannot be guaranteed.