FAMOUS FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT THE HOLIDAYS

“The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.” – Buddy, Elf

“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.” – Larry Wilde

“I don’t know what to say, except it’s Christmas, and we’re all in misery.” – Clark Griswold, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” – Shirley Temple

“Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.” – Unknown

“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, ‘Toys not included.” – Bernard Manning

“What I like about the Christmas season is that everything seems softer and kinder.” – Richard Paul Evans

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.” – George Carlin

“Christmas: the only time of year you can sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of socks.” – Unknown

“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” – Johnny Carson

“Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.” – Andy Borowitz

“The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.” – Johnny Carson

“Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people only once a year.” – Victor Borge

“Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.” – Bart Simpson

“Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.” – Phyllis Diller

“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” – Joan Rivers DOWN SYNDROME QUOTE

“Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.” – Bridger Winegar

“Santa saw your Instagram pictures. You’re getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas.” – Unknown

“Christmas is a magical time of year… I just watched all my money magically disappear.” – Unknown

“The only time of the year in which one can sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of socks.” – Unknown

“Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.” – Unknown

“Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?” – Arlo Guthrie

“Christmas: the time of year when everyone gets Santamental.” – Unknown

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is that he knows where all the bad girls live.” – George Carlin

“The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.” – Unknown

“Christmas is a time when everyone wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.” – Phyllis Diller

“Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.” – Andy Borowitz

“Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The elf and safety officer.” – Catherine Tate

“That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“I hate the radio this time of year because they play ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ like, every other song. And that’s just not enough.” – Bridger Winegar