FAMOUS SHORT FUNNY QUOTES

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin

“I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure.” – Unknown

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire

“The only thing that stands between me and a really great tan is my skin.” – Unknown

“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Emo Philips

“I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.” – Unknown

“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” – Michael Scott

“I wear black because it’s a funeral for my fat.” – Unknown

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey

“I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.” – Unknown

“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.” – Bill Murray

“I’m sorry for what I said when I was hungry.” – Unknown

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – Winnie the Pooh QUOTES ABOUT THE IRISH

“I’m not clumsy, I’m just dancing with the floor.” – Unknown

“The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.” – Unknown

“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” – Demetri Martin

“I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.” – Unknown

“If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.” – Unknown

“If there’s a will, I want to be in it.” – Unknown

“My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.” – Unknown

“The only thing I’m sure about in my life is that I am a masterpiece of mistake.” – Unknown

“I put the ‘pro’ in procrastinate.” – Unknown

“I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.” – Unknown

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” – Erma Bombeck

“If you’re going to do something wrong, at least enjoy it!” – Unknown