FUNNY 50 QUOTES

Here are 25 funny quotes:

“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.” – Unknown

“I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.” – Unknown

“I don’t need anger management, I need people to stop pissing me off.” – Unknown

“I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.” – Unknown

“I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.” – Unknown

“I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.” – Unknown

“I’m not clumsy, the floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.” – Unknown

“I always take life with a grain of salt… plus a slice of lemon… and a shot of tequila.” – Unknown

“I don’t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.” – Unknown

“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Unknown

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” – Steven Wright

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams

“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.” – Mark Twain

“Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.” – George Carlin

“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.” – Unknown

“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?” – Scott Adams

“I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.” – Robin Williams

“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.” – Douglas Adams

“I’m not saying I’m Batman, I’m just saying no one has ever seen me and Batman in the same room.” – Unknown

“When nothing goes right, go left.” – Unknown

“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” – Unknown

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Unknown

“My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.” – Unknown

“I could be a morning person, if morning happened around noon.” – Unknown

“My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.” – Unknown

And here are 50 more quotes: BEST QUOTES TO SEND YOUR GIRLFRIEND

“I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.” – Unknown

“I’m not a nerd, I’m just smarter than you.” – Unknown

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – Unknown

“I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones… that’s why it’s called a ‘cell’ phone.” – Unknown

“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.” – Unknown

“Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.” – Unknown

“I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.” – Unknown

“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.” – Bill Murray

“I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.” – Unknown

“My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.” – Unknown

“If Cinderella’s shoe was a perfect fit, why did it fall off in the first place?” – Unknown

“I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches, but then I realized it would be a waist of time.” – Unknown

“The only difference between a pizza and your opinion is that I asked for the pizza.” – Unknown

“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” – Unknown

“I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.” – Unknown

“I’m not clumsy, it’s just the floor hates me, tables and chairs attack me, and walls get in my way.” – Unknown

“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” – Demetri Martin

“If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.” – Lawrence Ferlinghetti

“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” – Tommy Cooper

“When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people.” – Unknown

“The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.” – Hilarious Jokes

“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Unknown

“I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.” – Unknown

“I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.” – Unknown

“I don’t need anger management, I need people to stop pissing me off.” – Unknown