“I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.”

“I eat cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere.”

“I don’t need an alarm clock, my ideas wake me up.”

“I may be a night owl, but I’m not responsible for the moon’s behavior.”

“I’m not clumsy; I’m just on a mission to redistribute gravity.”

“I’m not short; I’m fun-sized for your convenience.”

“I wanted to lose weight until I realized a pizza slice has its own gravitational pull.”

“My hobbies include eating pizza, sleeping, and avoiding responsibilities.”

“My signature move is pretending to understand phone conversations when I can barely hear myself breathe.”

“My favorite exercise is running out of patience.”

“I am not arguing, I’m just trying to explain why I am right.”

“I don’t have a dirty mind; I have a sexy imagination.”

“I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.”

“I’m not saying I’m Batman, I’m just saying no one has ever seen me and Batman in the same room together.”


“I don’t need a hair stylist; my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”

“I’m not addicted to coffee; we’re just in a committed relationship.”

“I’m not scared of commitment; just give me a good wifi connection and I’m in.”

“I only do cardio because it’s important to stay heart-attack ready.”

“I’m not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.”

“I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.”

“I may be a garden variety human, but I’ve got a green thumb for procrastination.”

“I’m not a pessimist; I’m just an optimist with experience.”

“I’m not fat; it’s just that gravity loves me too much.”

“Before you judge someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then, when you judge them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes.”

“I wanted to be a poet, but I didn’t have the right rhymes. Now I just write cheesy jokes sometimes.”

“I brake for donuts, but I don’t go to work out.”

“I’m not crazy, my reality is just different from yours.”