![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrY3l6V2VqTkJUYVlsMDNxK0VIZEN6TmIzYUxOak1tMEFjL2c1U3QxemhZWWo2MHdRS2NYaXVmWmdEZ013N1pkNUhVWml1UUxCUEZlVVNtK1RiNEkwaitJbUJqNjIrWktWRWR6aHRWT3RxRTVRZDlpOGZOS1BYTklZOGhJVVRxWE9nPT0%3D/FUNNY+BRANDON+ROGERS+QUOTES/(2ead7a07a9b2770ca85ac2cd63b6807a).jpg)
“Hi, I’m Todd. I’m a vampire and I don’t give a f*ck.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrY3NWMXU0dDVaMGgycDJsY3lhUWxGVG5leUhkUUtud0tMN1dvRXM4TUhCeC9LTkcwV3NWOWZKVnZKTWUxREozakZLdDBhK0IvUEo2dTkvTWloTlRtckNBeXRBS3p0eklsSTgyS3VCUTJUWm5neHlKOVFkcTA1bHUxQkZLdm8zbFBrZXlZMDVFMlRpZDIwYWFxcGc3ckRRPQ%3D%3D/FUNNY+BRANDON+ROGERS+QUOTES/(0aca9eadacb35d43783d912733b61382).jpg)
“I have the intelligence of a sea sponge and the fashion sense of a blind colorblind chameleon.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVllOeThXaTlCNlBzUHRhT2RoSVNWOG9mUUdUUHN5TkJrTks0TEl5VU0yeU1YNGJGb243d2t4aFc5VDZoM0tXanl1YWV4VmxkejRiL0p2UldzSjFiOUdtVlByVGZBeTNNa0RNb1pUR2dzSXQ%3D/FUNNY+BRANDON+ROGERS+QUOTES/(b9ec196323895cd12e0faa371e02bb37).jpg)
“I just got kicked out of heaven for being too goddamn sexy.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRZEs0TkZiTEEyVzkxRk5ZcDhpdjRibFlHMHV2cmVDRlM3c08xOVJtZ0toZkF1MDZubHJzNTF6NTdQTGMvd2M4SWVUQzJLWG00Tk9kbFdoMmhhekp6K09UbWZZdXNpcDBORW1vTjFaVlh5SlN2cVFhdTRtRFcrMEVnOTVUdDlxVUpUMDZzL2l3MmQ1NjJVSjBOL3Q1RlNSL2ZGODNCSUVxeGQ4VVZoZC9VY2VETFJta3ZCemtaQlhVZGFBUFo4SWxUQT0%3D/FUNNY+BRANDON+ROGERS+QUOTES/(5082709a79ae681293f5a828c831ae2c).jpg)
“I’m like that one friend who’s always on the verge of a mental breakdown but somehow manages to hold their sh*t together.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRZnV2WGZmd3YyU3ZkaWwvdStseE5sd3U4ZlpPVVdGU1grd01jdGxLeEJSV3RpVHBKakNyT0pUOUxnS3doUFpCbEo1dnlqRld6RlF1THdGYVRzUFI3TzQzelRQK21xRGE0K2VzdEk3TFBZUkNRPT0%3D/FUNNY+BRANDON+ROGERS+QUOTES/(7e7f9378c0c9e0362fcd0b42ce3aaaff).jpg)
“I’m not insane. I just have a really unique way of expressing my sanity.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrYkNWNXFST2JYUXY1WDRGalRmYVhLOHpPd21FVzY2VEEyYjJuTkhsclZ5S3JoZU9vLzI5RThTOUJHOWcrc1VOTks2eThpSUl4QVREaXpTcTl0UVlkb2NiUVNlcUwwZmcxaXAxQWpmL05KUEFCdWlzKzRMQVVyLzBNOUUzNXlpajJwOEk3MEx6Tkx5TjIvQ0lzRFdGRTR1Y3NscjNyeWp1Z1kxKzREdlo1ZWNX/FUNNY+BRANDON+ROGERS+QUOTES/(65781c8dfecb3aa7f6a7ae5e692d990f).jpg)
“You know you’ve reached peak laziness when you start using your feet to grip the TV remote.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRZlA5UFp3aWc3QWVFZHdrQUxqY2hzNm44N0wrcGVEeFZoL1NJbEd6ck9KY0xCKzd6bFZNNGpQOVo2UjlsZFdYei9wQkpSQUdJWk5Dc1liNTBjbG1Ddkl3bkpGc042SnIxc002aWU4Zk5FVTBrZ2EzQnVIMkhtRkNuR2VHUlZ2OXM0PQ%3D%3D/FUNNY+BRANDON+ROGERS+QUOTES/(96602a13573d4880fc23199937d22c51).jpg)
“I’m not saying I’m a genius, but I did wear a helmet for most of my childhood.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZUFjNFdmMHBUV2I5N3NkdlRGV3lNU2YyZ1djay9QV3kzWVlZL0cxWXBuWkZMTzIzSElMdTdCYlBibEZPckRxK0lOTHBvSGgrL2pzeHpub2owQmxoOG01UTBSOVFwUy9wRGcyUEJOdDJUTXY5MGxTTjFJeDlJcjJTS3ZrQzlDODAxMW4yazJTZXU3V1d2aU1jZG5mLzBBdG1hSEdjQmRkSy84STBEb2l1T2ZPSWtzZmM2bHQ1Sk4zKzhpOCtXbFl5UT09/FUNNY+BRANDON+ROGERS+QUOTES/(ac83671d774cc87e0d80ff5c5b394194).jpg)
“If procrastination was an Olympic sport, I’d probably finish last… after taking a two-hour nap halfway through.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRZW5vTk9XNzlNT3dVQ1EvYzdlV0RVbFo4d2IrQ2xzT2x4UzFUM0pYR1Q0U0pNTlZjU0pEdVJoSWhpYytEL1FaZ2FYcFBMMjVOVjd3YmRwd0VSaWNMbnQ3d3lxM2FhYUZhQ3RvZ3pBTFNsRHF3PT0%3D/FUNNY+BRANDON+ROGERS+QUOTES/(9002842abe3256aef15c56fc7235f436).jpg)
“I’m not clumsy, I’m just really advanced at breaking things.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZkJYSmgzZVh3S21nU25NN2VZWEZDakdRNmNaUVUvbWt2dnprZHZJNTVPdk1rTDNHVnNvZFlVakVpOHBvTXo4V0JNSWFUeldwL0h2bUUvVktnMTE0WGtiQlJHazFlV3h3Vk14dWhpRVFFNUJnUmlLL3crWFg0dys4aExRRWIvTDd1OXRPMnR4dDBLL01uMnNwQng5a1JlY2J0NFlESTh4L1M2Si9Yc2dhd3Uwclc5am81RlZKSnFaRUxEeXdIbDVobWZ5N25Db3UwZEdncm9reUZrVEdKTT0%3D/FUNNY+BRANDON+ROGERS+QUOTES/(2f56b595402c01d15b4da07758e6c3a7).jpg)
“The only way to truly understand my brilliance is to spend five minutes inside my mind… but don’t blame me if you never recover.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRZU5QU1p0dld0RWhIS1NTTWJRVGNNZ2VlMXdRRWFXcFc3NXBRVWI2UmMrbTdtS2xLYjZ1ZzB6dnVNaFova2M4Szl0bFQvVm81YXJOOWtwaVJCbUNwZFYxOTJNWk9Pb2IrWVN6K2ozUi8vVnpCTFBMcVpoTHI3T0ZERHdQVG5QTVh5Ym1zc2RiV1lHN3lkYi95RWZJSVF3SERrWGQ4bjE1bGRibDk4WFhhbUZvSVlDaWhJWnR0UVhVVFpPZVl3U0cyRT0%3D/FUNNY+BRANDON+ROGERS+QUOTES/(12d8e3bfed6b4e51f3a7eeb6cfb8dfc1).jpg)
“I’m not saying I have commitment issues, but every time someone asks me to commit, I subconsciously hear circus music playing in my head.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrV0RXYVYwZjJlWGpleXVtTGJkWStTc0szczRBL1FqM2FUdVZnZjlnMG9HampvdWNkc01GbU55R2RnOEc3VmxrZ1UvWXBtWUU2Y2JmLzM3T0lwVXc1WllSS1JGeXg2anpEWWsxekZ4K045SGxHcDdmVDZxdTdpc0x2STQvMkFiWitBPT0%3D/FUNNY+BRANDON+ROGERS+QUOTES/(a887ac68a824a9bba37c5172fe812590).jpg)
“I may be a hot mess, but at least I have a great sense of humor to cover it up.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVGlPQm5OVVR4Q2xnd2VWQ01NMUppOXphaUFEa1g0Zi90aFBZQjlpeE5na0Uxd3pKN3BQOVd3bytpdFRBZHU4eGhqclJGazlIaFdwYTQzSSs1UzdsTldrTVIvOHVZa1lGV0JDWURsWXliNFBjcGp4TGV3c2dhZm9CeWx1dFpnajBxdk9idWUvY21PNnkrd2dNMmpIc2EzYnVnOHltb2xnYWFUZmdBNVFBNDhEeldKNW96bnE3NmtTRE8yVVRYekgyR2RGdXdMc3daTFZIb3VjR21sWFc4Q0tDR2E4SUZ5M2xSTFdwWXFzUUNrZw%3D%3D/FUNNY+BRANDON+ROGERS+QUOTES/(125dd0ea55670434b98de810020995d3).jpg)
“My gym membership is like a subscription to guilt. It reminds me of everything I should be doing but never actually do.” TOLERATING FRIENDS QUOTES
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrWVBERVljQUkvT3pQTDlvMy8vSFlOcE9FRVMzZW11UjhqWTdNUEtveFREb2Nxc25jQmhKTlVuOTU5MkViQnF0dWlaTDIyNUorM0c0eFhKUit4STh6L2JNMG1sVTBrUTdOYUEyNldRSnZJd1gxRjF6UFlqZGliK05ybzJoYlZPdzN6d2ovb2lPLzc2TFBvRThhanM2UEQ0PQ%3D%3D/FUNNY+BRANDON+ROGERS+QUOTES/(b6ab204189553d99e2615c8f806aa109).jpg)
“My love life is like a roller coaster: full of twists, turns, and a lot of screaming.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrYkQ2R3ZhU3gvdUxheW40WlkwTExiZWVZQ1VDemw4NjNYdmlXOTk1anZIQWlvaldUSjM5WGdGQUY3MnVEMmFPRDJ3NUZxTUpVd1AyaXZXaTI1RVN3cVY3ZHFpNzlTWDQ0RlJvRlB6NkdFeWhUNUZVaEVWQXBTNnJSd1oreXpNYmk5OS9yVWtCQTV3RVErSmdtamhDcU5oYWJ4VXBGVm80a0kzSFJGNlNLbXpN/FUNNY+BRANDON+ROGERS+QUOTES/(bc97e38629fa101e3a8fa86a6bcc2802).jpg)
“They say laughter is the best medicine, but I’m pretty sure bacon and Nutella are up there too.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRZlA5UFp3aWc3QWVFZHdrQUxqY2hzNkFGMEwrend4NkZTcE1mMEorWnJVRGJPTU5DZWhicncxUnByOWNnaDI2clh0anYvZWR0QnJ2ellJcXZ5NnNwSUU0VGY2WlBmNVZyUkxOWCt2RkJNT2I5Z2lnbEJPQnJ5bzkxQ3ZjWUtWaGdnPQ%3D%3D/FUNNY+BRANDON+ROGERS+QUOTES/(2c9e3a03b45d3af3cd5541ef5bc2b4dd).jpg)
“I’m not saying I’m an expert, but I have a PhD in making bad decisions.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRZEtkZXFLa1VkR2dCci85T3hWUnRDeWdlOFYwS1FETll6Um5hRTU0ME9QSzNYcEt6aEdxMmRQSGpCUVo5NXdlN0ppNWpVNmNJUzFBZDd2R2pwUmhpTUd0SkZiZGQrbkpHNkx3aWtZUGVaTFpJdVV2c0E0cEFjUmJZWk5ORVpPVVE0PQ%3D%3D/FUNNY+BRANDON+ROGERS+QUOTES/(fb20edf88ded2c55f95e3bb6a36a9ed4).jpg)
“I’d love to contribute to society, but Netflix and pizza just keep getting in the way.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRZHlIR3BoYk1QRzNNK2VmVDNVZTRYZnlFSkc2MSs0Ty84NmVnZmVhWm1KTnhpOVAvWWNjbTQrSmNJSXg3Z1ZFZDhDRkZoVERSdmh1OUozOGNpUk1LR3lGZWhEaFRHazZYUnMrK2xCNzBndDhvNGZCcmFNYm5DTC9uOW1sTUxzaG9CbExMVUxEN2Y5OS9KcGZ3RUllRFZUeVhVR2tZcnZrOEJRZ1Q5UDhTeHA2QT09/FUNNY+BRANDON+ROGERS+QUOTES/(84901c6053c91c926a5e49098bbf1814).jpg)
“I’m not afraid of commitment, I’m just terrified of having to wear matching outfits for the rest of my life.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRZWRzMXdjY2Q2V3g5aVF1SmpwNlVrN2YzbjlhM3Z2SGNCNStoeHhna2FuRjZOVHNvSzN1ZFFXVUNHVXJiRU94TitZZEtWdisrOTZ5SE40ZlpuWjdwbU9FOTdXUUhQRGtMMjJlZTZXWkFSdnowSUR3aUdVVkNleDNvL0NEUmdiYWlkcndLclNjOVhFejZPSmRZeS9KYVV6/FUNNY+BRANDON+ROGERS+QUOTES/(4d6487d6ea77f98aba235b311427f44a).jpg)
“I’m in a committed relationship with my bed. It’s an on-again, off-again kind of thing.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrYXJON04wVzNvdTBNbVFiWkFGQWtyV3o0eHkrT3hUMGZ6QzU3RFZCZVJITkxMR2llZ281Z04wOFdmZ3ROZy9Pa3E3VS9vQS9TT2R1VjFVZktZQ3g0RWF0UXJ1Qm9KVFRXVFJNOWhuWjVqQjM%3D/FUNNY+BRANDON+ROGERS+QUOTES/(c41ce6dc938ca44c4f579fda7f62b265).jpg)
“I wish I had the confidence of a mediocre white man.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrYUI3K3IzNWJmSHR0UWUxU1pqR0RtRXB3T2t1Rm12NzNDNHRlU080bTBVamZNcVJQdnp0Q0NPdzBacVY0TWg4R1M2aUJ4YTlaQ3JCNjFBb3ZrNnJxUHZXbzQ3MFRaV1Y3MlppV2JXQUxmUng%3D/FUNNY+BRANDON+ROGERS+QUOTES/(6afacdc5db3349cdb95a50c4ee576f29).jpg)
“My bank account has the same amount of zeros as my self-esteem.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZUFORS9rd3VwbFdqYzVYdHhWSS9hRmgzSGV6bDBzbmZVdGNLQlpYY3VEM0hGVXVwbEozdk5KQkhadWFPTk1KWU9LZURzcXM0MXVWSGM1NGhOMHlLVUJEd3lNb1FGeHBGTjk4OTlnSzV1VTBHOGsrYUQwZml3YUR4LzFPRHNIVWsxK3JHeGs0eTV2MXd5eUN0RVNTUmlaNlBqNjYrcnhCRjFSVVB1azZYWldSVWNRaVdzOTI1K2FndFV4dFBoUk40WC9rRk9ORmoveW1tbXJFMHlYMXVyVT0%3D/FUNNY+BRANDON+ROGERS+QUOTES/(ca422babdf450656507942b7ab9e957b).jpg)
“If I ever disappear without a trace, don’t worry. I’m just trying to find a Wi-Fi signal strong enough to order pizza.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRZU5QU1p0dld0RWhIS1NTTWJRVGNNZ2h6MS9yUDc5TU1NR3VvelZYUkpHY05sU0FxbTBCbm5WVG5VZlFhYmt5cGtNeG4xaUt3SWYrUnRHZ2M1WXA5Y0R3cmNWNEpUUW5XVC9GeTFGUEt3bWJJdEV3RzFvRlE0OUNhLzVKdEVZdU5wWHREa3AvMkRRaEVhbkVQbFRzK2Vl/FUNNY+BRANDON+ROGERS+QUOTES/(24480291d0cd0fa6d3ea87f78677a530).jpg)
“I’m not saying I have a lot of cats, but my apartment smells like a pet store flavored with regret.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrWk4vNFVXMnZYcU9PZGVmaXZTejcwd2lGMVBOMjNrMmlFWGhZMjEvaGZMZlBkbDZTS0dJVmtwYThBYWxMbE8yNnd6eGk2VDJETks3L0pybElTMGw4VGl4QmZXWC9OY1U3TzFNNWhYQ1BMdjZNTFc5VlQvNUxmZ2YwWjJFUXI3dEJmcit4MGZqcElPTDRKWlhCWU5mYlhMcGFVdVkrSlpJeXAzVUNxRVJ4aWNrOGNqZVRqeHJsZC9YTE5aQktEK3RzQT09/FUNNY+BRANDON+ROGERS+QUOTES/(e0985856fa18fd0a46cf0cf19bec067b).jpg)
“Who needs a therapist when you can just talk to your dog? They listen, they don’t judge, and they never send you a bill.”