FUNNY BRANDON ROGERS QUOTES

“Hi, I’m Todd. I’m a vampire and I don’t give a f*ck.”

“I have the intelligence of a sea sponge and the fashion sense of a blind colorblind chameleon.”

“I just got kicked out of heaven for being too goddamn sexy.”

“I’m like that one friend who’s always on the verge of a mental breakdown but somehow manages to hold their sh*t together.”

“I’m not insane. I just have a really unique way of expressing my sanity.”

“You know you’ve reached peak laziness when you start using your feet to grip the TV remote.”

“I’m not saying I’m a genius, but I did wear a helmet for most of my childhood.”

“If procrastination was an Olympic sport, I’d probably finish last… after taking a two-hour nap halfway through.”

“I’m not clumsy, I’m just really advanced at breaking things.”

“The only way to truly understand my brilliance is to spend five minutes inside my mind… but don’t blame me if you never recover.”

“I’m not saying I have commitment issues, but every time someone asks me to commit, I subconsciously hear circus music playing in my head.”

“I may be a hot mess, but at least I have a great sense of humor to cover it up.”

“My gym membership is like a subscription to guilt. It reminds me of everything I should be doing but never actually do.” TOLERATING FRIENDS QUOTES

“My love life is like a roller coaster: full of twists, turns, and a lot of screaming.”

“They say laughter is the best medicine, but I’m pretty sure bacon and Nutella are up there too.”

“I’m not saying I’m an expert, but I have a PhD in making bad decisions.”

“I’d love to contribute to society, but Netflix and pizza just keep getting in the way.”

“I’m not afraid of commitment, I’m just terrified of having to wear matching outfits for the rest of my life.”

“I’m in a committed relationship with my bed. It’s an on-again, off-again kind of thing.”

“I wish I had the confidence of a mediocre white man.”

“My bank account has the same amount of zeros as my self-esteem.”

“If I ever disappear without a trace, don’t worry. I’m just trying to find a Wi-Fi signal strong enough to order pizza.”

“I’m not saying I have a lot of cats, but my apartment smells like a pet store flavored with regret.”

“Who needs a therapist when you can just talk to your dog? They listen, they don’t judge, and they never send you a bill.”