“I’m not clumsy, I’m just on a mission to rearrange the furniture… with my face.”

“I’m not lazy, I’m just conserving energy for a future emergency.”

“I don’t snore. I dream I’m a motorcycle.”

“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”

“I don’t have a beer belly, I have a protective covering for my rock-hard abs.”

“I may be a giant, but even giants have bad hair days.”

“I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my keys, my phone, and my temper.”

“If there’s a skinny version of me inside, she must be really scared!”

“Cleaning the house while the kids are still growing is like shoveling snow while it’s still snowing.”

“I’m not short, I’m just more down to earth than everyone else.”

“I’m not arguing, I’m simply explaining why I’m right.”

“I don’t need a hairstylist, I just wear my bedhead with confidence.”

“Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.”

“I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.”

“I may be a giant, but I can still squeeze into a pair of skinny jeans… with a shoehorn.” DEPRESSING SAD EEYORE QUOTES

“I don’t need Google, my wife knows everything.”

“I don’t need a superhero cape, I have a sarcastic sense of humor.”

“I’m not grumpy. I just have a low tolerance for stupid people.”

“My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch… I call it lunch.”

“I don’t need luck, I have charm and a horseshoe up my butt.”

“I put the ‘pro’ in procrastination.”

“I’m not old, I’m chronologically gifted.”

“I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.”

“I’m not late, I just operate on my own time zone.”

“I don’t have a problem with authority, I just have a problem with people telling me what to do.”

“I can resist everything except temptation… and cake.”

“I’m not stubborn, my way is just better.”

“I don’t need therapy, I just need a hug and a glass of wine.”

“I’m not bossy, I just have better ideas.”