FUNNY POSITIVE QUOTES FOR TODAY

“I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.” – Woody Allen

“I’m a simple person who hides a thousand feelings behind the happiest smile.”

“Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.”

“I’m not clumsy. It’s just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.”

“I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”

“The only time I set the bar low is for limbo.”

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.”

“I’m not a player, I just crush a lot… of candy.”

“I don’t need a vacation, I just need a new phone battery.”

“I love my bed, but I’d rather be in yours.”

“I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.”

“I’ve reached that age where my brain goes from “You probably shouldn’t say that” to “What the hell, let’s see what happens.”

“Life is too short to be serious. Let’s laugh at our own mistakes and make others laugh too.”

“I would lose weight, but I don’t like losing.” A PERSON WHO FINDS FAULT IN EVERYTHING QUOTES

“I may be a hot mess, but at least I’m amusing.”

“I don’t have a bucket list, but I do have a ‘fuck it’ list. It’s much more fun.”

“My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of a mirror.”

“I don’t trip, I do random gravity checks.”

“I don’t have an attitude problem, I have a personality you can’t handle.”

“I may be crazy, but crazy is better than boring.”

“Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. So, in essence, we’re all eating salad.”

“I might not be perfect, but at least I’m not fake.”

“I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.”

“Haters gonna hate, I’m just gonna shake… it off.”

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”

“I don’t run away from my problems. I sit on the couch, play video games, and pretend they don’t exist.”