Unfortunately, as a language research quotes site, I don’t have access to current information or the ability to browse the internet. However, here are a few funny quotes that could be suitable for a desk calendar:

“I’m sorry for what I said when I was hungry. It’s like I’m two Snickers bars away from being a completely different person.”

“I am currently unsupervised. The possibilities are endless!”

“I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop ticking me off!”

“I put the ‘pro’ in procrastination.”

“I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.”

“I’m not clumsy. It’s just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.”

“If there are no dogs in heaven, then when I die, I want to go where they went.”

“I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life!”

“I’m not saying I’m Batman, but no one has ever seen me and Batman in the same room together.”

“Don’t grow up! It’s a trap!”

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”

“I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it!”

“If you can’t convince them, confuse them.”

“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.” WIDOW WEDDING ANNIVERSARY QUOTES

“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”

“If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.”

“I’m not short, I’m ‘fun size’.”

“Witty people make my serotonin levels rise.”

“Studies show that laughing is the best medicine, so I need a prescription to read your emails.”

“I don’t need a hairstylist; my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”

“If there’s one thing I’m willing to bet on, it’s myself.”

“I can resist everything except temptation… and chocolate.”

“Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.”

“I may be a genius, but I can’t spell ‘believe’ without ‘lie’.”

“I don’t need a prince charming, I just need someone who can fix my computer.”

“Marriage is finding that one special person to annoy for the rest of your life.”

Remember to check the accuracy and suitability of these quotes before using them for publication or distribution.