“I’m not clumsy, I’m just doing a random gravity check.”

“I may be quiet, but I have so many sarcastic comments just waiting for the perfect moment.”

“I’m not lazy, I’m energy efficient.”

“I would exercise, but it makes me spill my wine.”

“I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.”

“When nothing goes right, go left.”

“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.”

“Sorry, I’m not fluent in idiot.”

“I’m not short, I’m fun-sized.”

“I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.”

“I’m not always late, but when I am, it’s fashionable.”

“I’m not ignoring you, I’m just prioritizing my mental health.”

“If there’s a 50/50 chance of getting it wrong, I’ll likely get it wrong 9 out of 10 times.”

“I can resist everything except temptation… and chocolate.” HAPPY ANNIVERSARY FUNNY QUOTES FOR HUSBAND

“I don’t snore, I dream I’m a motorcycle.”

“I like to think I’m ADD, but it’s more like… hey look, a squirrel!”

“Exercise? I thought you said extra fries!”

“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already!”

“I’m not a people person, but I’m a vodka person, and that’s kind of the same thing.”

“Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.”

“I don’t have a short attention span, I just… oh look, a kitty!”

“I don’t have a beer belly, I have a protective shield for my rock hard abs.”

“I don’t need anger management, I just need people to stop pissing me off.”

“I’m not clumsy, I’m just on a mission to test gravity every day.”

“I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.”

“I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.”

“I don’t snore, I dream I’m a chainsaw.”