“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…she hugged me.”

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”

“I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.”

“I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.”

“I follow the ‘Cinderella Rule’: if my shoe fits, I’m not buying it.”

“I tried to catch some fog. I mist.”

“Some people bring happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”

“Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.”

“I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.”

“I’m not clumsy, the floor just hates me.”

“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”

“I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.”

“I asked my dog what’s 2 minus 2? He just stared blankly at me and I realized he’s not very good at math.”

“The closest some people ever come to a diet is deleting food photos from their phone.” ALL STUDENTS CAN LEARN AND SUCCEED QUOTE

“I’m not normally a praying person, but if you’re up there, please don’t let me win the lottery. You’ll never see me again.”

“Don’t be a salad, be the best damn broccoli you could ever be.”

“If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.”

“If I won the award for laziness, I would send someone to pick it up for me.”

“I don’t need anger management… I need people to stop making me angry.”

“I’m not sarcastic. I’m just allergic to stupidity.”

“When life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.”

“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.”

“If there’s a will, there’s a way. And if there’s a way, I’ll probably take a nap on it.”

“My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.”

“A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.”

“I’m not feeling very worky today. I could really use a nap and a million dollars.”

“I asked the librarian if she had any books on paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re right behind you!'”