![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVitycWlwejQ3YzlTRlF0azJ6WWd2VExNV2RGbmFtd1hPL3dYWEVrdzh5aS9TN2lWK0ZCWXJ3cXBhZTFKaFJjYi8rbjJEM1J1WEhzTGdLWVgxbHJZc0ExYUpCQ25pMUlrcXZ5Z3Uwa3NRSUpDempqMGpHKzF0N1RLMHdQTU5GakxqK3VzNXZWaWFYTHdSYzJaYzhqRlNaQ3o1ZFFPOWo3amhPb0hBNGhncDIvV1pwL25NUmk1TjlkMExmWlhueDVzUT09/FUNNY+QUOTES+TO+MAKE+PEOPLE+LAUGH/(0483627e6f5404fb4c67cdc8b7c175e0).jpg)
“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.” – Henny Youngman
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVXRDTDA5OEdZTnJTaU4xbk9sMkFGT3VOTlIxNzNRMDRIN3lnL0lCS2hablVKK3ZkcVJxMS9zRHlHT0RPY0JqdkJ4NHp0aExKVWVGT3dFbHlvSFUxby8wditkTnVDSmJyd2NTcG55VFJETW0yRzlRUTVza2hQMHVVRTZtb3lqU2RmM2FtdjlhbEEwMXVtdmJGeDBycHljV2UyTEtiWlMyclJjbFVGamc2eG5KZ3VMMzcvbXErTXhNZmlvcTd2eEd3dz09/FUNNY+QUOTES+TO+MAKE+PEOPLE+LAUGH/(398e8e8d28350bcee5b8604373c2047f).jpg)
“My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.” – Milton Berle
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVkNwVWozblg4SElBZ0w2bzNUN3o2dmNXbm9mT1BmaXhQdmc4czZYZ3B2V1Fjd3RwTWZZWEJDbUdlYm1YZ0plN3RoYW03c1RmNm4vOVNVNFVwZzlRM3lrN2szZkEwZzkwRlkvNm02eWd3NTZSeWMvTXZKT3lIalBoY0pXTkdrbURIbkFaWXhGdm5MbnBLV1R2NHQ5TlhuMFFBb1ZtS0VPTTJYYkIwSlQwVC9L/FUNNY+QUOTES+TO+MAKE+PEOPLE+LAUGH/(cf69c1ddb8c6af2609910199cd79006f).jpg)
“If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” – Steven Wright
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVXN0cHFIUk1KWCtGVk5oa2VxNG9vcUxKVTdLeDdEc2xGYzNNbTFTc0YvWDNDV09pek5MeHpESkpyQmF4OUUvWDVxMXpwS0FLd3o4SHFQS0g2ejNmcGVGU2IrMWdVU2RTeFY5TXYvTXphUnBsYXZoT2puMlFxaTNoWE5pV1Noc005R1IrM3lmWWh5RXc0OHowSlJqRjBVOHByQldOTCtITkV5eGN4TWpsREhB/FUNNY+QUOTES+TO+MAKE+PEOPLE+LAUGH/(31c8c94f7335ccfecd484bda11a2a6a9).jpg)
“The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.” – E. Joseph Cossman
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRZFlaZ1ZuM1VERFZCMWJuWWVLWDkvTFNRM1FERGE4TTlhS3p2bHF1UHVJSGlRUXhlN21JWmdvK2tvc01HKzRMcDBwclZaVmpybmxDdVcyT1dUd0tsZm1YWHhMbTBWZEpMNmlMOU1tdWFuek5jamZmajFXQTFCbTBMcHVZa3Vpc1VVPQ%3D%3D/FUNNY+QUOTES+TO+MAKE+PEOPLE+LAUGH/(fc2e3060299f5445310279ab4142dea4).jpg)
“I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.” – Robin Williams
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrUUp6SWlDQ21oZWlVekt4K3hJMTM3cjBjdVJyNHBjeXVlc1JlN1hWaTgzWmpBdWtDcHE0NUxtTzRNUnhmSmdOK3B4alExRmF1ZUF4RFBkOHJGQ1V5cjZ3UVlVb2VOcmFWVDJxRlhDSjhDR3I2LzFyaitqVmh1S2Z2aWhyT1h2azhRPT0%3D/FUNNY+QUOTES+TO+MAKE+PEOPLE+LAUGH/(01f435d686cd2c4f8a96891a6320f1b0).jpg)
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVUlPV2lRTmFWZmVsWEc3Mjl4MVc2bUdLbkt6a0o1NUZybHU3L05zS2xtSFdNNjMrdVpkUGRaQ3NhekFxQkE2bEtZOXJtOGp6bG1DNko0cG8yV1l2d3B1Sy9HODREY002YVAwU0ZjRDgrSlhxRGtkUWFZSi9xVkh6Z0dVM0J2MFdCb21WSEhVR3IrSExQM2NvOVk1TzdFUW84aGNVbThyRmdlSit2U0swa2YreTRMVDN4SmFBSEFEcjM3TmQ0TVJQQT09/FUNNY+QUOTES+TO+MAKE+PEOPLE+LAUGH/(d9905a7b036dc9a1eb34945749522614).jpg)
“The first step is admitting you have a problem. Then my second step is putting caramel on it.” – Angela Kinsey
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVDlvSTR1ZG41ZzFuMVpGVStXN3R2Z3dubVFSa3pQYWtqV2h5RFh6WlpGZmw2bTRnTGwwYnJFdGptUXdSWHVST0pDd2FSRGR5Y25pREtUaWxVQjZHV1RSWkFMTExBVFF2QkMzT3BmNVVmd0RWRnBVVGcxQkpnbFlpQ25wMDJDMWhoUEEwZHVkQnF6V0ErMGpZR1lkby9NeXBYckllSnRjTGZpNVp5WnMrcE9n/FUNNY+QUOTES+TO+MAKE+PEOPLE+LAUGH/(70cf6bad8de55459426ac7086fcf3925).jpg)
“I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.” – Anonymous
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRY052QVBTZlFMZzVhMXFDZWdxSFRBZnRrRGdkVGhOSC91OWZONkFOajlMVm02elNLYW83akZyV0dLWVYrK3l1bzYvZExtdEJ3NDdWcGZTdThtU241NTRPY0F2QlFnbW9LQUxXNWdQK0dYcjF3PT0%3D/FUNNY+QUOTES+TO+MAKE+PEOPLE+LAUGH/(0e9d1392921cd8b14aa310264ce874d9).jpg)
“I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.” – Anonymous
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVmw5UGsvZFNhR09lY1JyYWw1TkU1Y2wwOUtLNHZRZUg3U1g3Y0pqREJ5ZTEyMUNQSlpnQnc2SUpaQW93QlpOZnlRVnBWY1lnSTZCM3FZOVloZit1aitlMjFwVWYwcTZCT3Vnbk5iTkdYL0NESGtzdVVsRTkrZUFaNS9TQThrNmV3PT0%3D/FUNNY+QUOTES+TO+MAKE+PEOPLE+LAUGH/(d94f48ac854ecbc30dd95450d304ef38).jpg)
“A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.” – Barbara Johnson
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrV3dXc0gxMG1lcDNaNG5SeVdETlVEVThEbExPeHlOTEIyRkN3TzNBaTI3MnlaMGRXVU9IUUtlb1doU0ZSMlFNUmFncDd2V2NjaHpuMkM5Y2N4RFNHOVFGbXNrRHpYbkVpUGg4c2gxdjNyR0VDaDRkb0VaZExxMXBUWnpwUzVLZ0orT1p5TWY1cWdrWWVCWERVR2NoaFppMm1wSDJUbmpaS1hpemI0S0VjTFVxOVFWRUFpYW9KVStkM0tLUHl5T3ZLM2VjK2FRQ3NmalpNZ3pJL3g1dlc0dz0%3D/FUNNY+QUOTES+TO+MAKE+PEOPLE+LAUGH/(f4c9e982659661494a0dccf49f460141).jpg)
“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So, I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Emo Philips
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrWnp2RnBlZGw5b25wdEltQmxFZXZUdnFpcjd4OElWVHFKNFJhNm5tNUFyZmozblc1N0haMHgyMjJLaXdQYzhudGNPSmJKeGVZdCtCZUhHNExzWm96U1JacjRlbTlNZ2QyM1A4SzZQMElTeWRHS3ROTVN0aHZadktad3lGNnd6SXJBPT0%3D/FUNNY+QUOTES+TO+MAKE+PEOPLE+LAUGH/(9e898aa1217310284525a7dd4f7848f0).jpg)
“I eat cake because it’s somebody’s birthday somewhere.” – Anonymous
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVUp0SjJRSUJ6b3R6YjA0bFYya0dZekgvb29JZCt0ODl6TXUzWjI3TmVEL2RwaENTRmVYUWtmNFRpZDVhSUZGaWVHYzhjTklydjl0WE9HOU1CczRCcnF2VDFHdm5pOVJoNDhZTzZVTTlqbmp5ekd5U2VsNW5rdXJFbFRQUGFKNzVKZG5tcVQ4RlRRdHJEbG4yMXI1amNlS1ZhRTRDSExmZWs5SmF6T2lHTzZL/FUNNY+QUOTES+TO+MAKE+PEOPLE+LAUGH/(52ea5e77a29be439e7145bdeb408447f).jpg)
“If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?” – Jerry Seinfeld LIFE QUOTES FOR LOVED ONES
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRYy9ha0NtbE1rcEVWbEk1WnAxMTNyY2FWZ1NNOStjcGlQdmVjVFQzMGViNkJRS05TSWttbElhbTAyUlNQNTRoaDJ6Zk9Xb1pnOTZEUm5MRUJFVkF2RVo0dmMvQWM0bFFUYmZnaTJiV1hOVkpaM1lGTGVxb2hPcnJhWFlZMDRTQkprPQ%3D%3D/FUNNY+QUOTES+TO+MAKE+PEOPLE+LAUGH/(6838adfb64072e5154ec2e95b605d0b9).jpg)
“I’m not shy, I’m just quietly plotting your demise.” – Anonymous
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrU2VCNWdSTFRNbDU3bjFKS2tOM0NTb0pIT1o5MnNNZjZNbFE5OFJyUVBrNXJlcmRKbGc0V2kxOHNjanU0anlzazJJYnpJRG9XdkNYeXZiczBJNFQ5MUZHQWxsV1JXODhGTWVxeFk1cFZmUVE%3D/FUNNY+QUOTES+TO+MAKE+PEOPLE+LAUGH/(6412d9084fe7c14f14e32a260f06e189).jpg)
“The harder you work, the luckier I get.” – Samuel Goldwyn
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRZU5QU1p0dld0RWhIS1NTTWJRVGNNZzVWM2pwaDljRXNvRWFMYWFsbTB4Z3hUYzRrODBPYndNVGVlRTkxWCtvN0xEWVFoLytYbWRwSURIZm92eTJVU0l5eERudXRUL1Qxd3ZRdG5SQ0RDNE0yR3VoWW4xckVzZDdSTC9VOE5IcVV1ZGcya3VrSjdFaW5jN1NHUFJhVW55/FUNNY+QUOTES+TO+MAKE+PEOPLE+LAUGH/(13968fdbf902c569b53c78e7bf5b953e).jpg)
“I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.” – Anonymous
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVHdqTTI3MVRSQ2lZZTNEMnk2UnQvSlhrWFF3T2V3SXhxWm82QjRoKzVkSWtGdXhlY3BjS3RnMmdrN2ZVS21QZjI2UEJHQzU3YXB2N1EwTkNBeHIyWENBY0I1YWNCTlpNSWRIMTZ5QUVRdDZNUFl2bEgyYWM4OERTY3NPUXlxcisrbDRkZTlSb01JOURnWmdIUlpHTzk0PQ%3D%3D/FUNNY+QUOTES+TO+MAKE+PEOPLE+LAUGH/(57157f228f11ba79e7646b046343d572).jpg)
“Always borrow money from a pessimist. They never expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrUkpnWE5CMjh6WXpnbkREMHhlanlsek44ZENWeEpDOElBVnJFRkxGUnZzZE9ESlM1RVNkWUF6UkZXcnI4WTJBU2ZPd2VPQThHdmw5VjRvV29ydjhqN24zem55L3ZmVUdtMGxna1VTL2VxOTRXeTJlczVST2FqZVR0MHZ0Q0Y3a0NBPT0%3D/FUNNY+QUOTES+TO+MAKE+PEOPLE+LAUGH/(088263e59d3384afe2fb591305c74c0f).jpg)
“If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?” – Anonymous
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZkJYSmgzZVh3S21nU25NN2VZWEZDZzBGV295c3NOa3gwNlRMYkYvUXNzblJRdjNGYU9tVmZHVmtGS0RHMGtNb3ZRUGlEYXp0YmFGK1FRZ05mNHByREgxQnlodEkvbE5jRTlubnhvYU1xQ29YcHEzbW9BYkMyRW4yTUYyS0s5czhNOUhGbFFQZDRHbkUxVHBxaWd0NytRPQ%3D%3D/FUNNY+QUOTES+TO+MAKE+PEOPLE+LAUGH/(10d37d8599470abbc2e7ef9163d2dc0e).jpg)
“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRZW5vTk9XNzlNT3dVQ1EvYzdlV0RVbEJjZ0l5RnFOaXM3TFFCcU9wcmwrZlNrZS9vV0w5VVFxendOcU1DZjhCQXRaNDZ0dzdYdDdzSHdLQVdwLzFFZ3pjMDhjMHNVWFc5T0Q4ZGNncTlBcmRBPT0%3D/FUNNY+QUOTES+TO+MAKE+PEOPLE+LAUGH/(dd01938a59a6b2093d7b8760296cbf66).jpg)
“I’m not clumsy, I’m just testing gravity.” – Anonymous
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRY3lpWERsMUxzbmZKdjc1eHRmVmxsZnEreFFjZ2t6L1grQkRZcW9iQng2R08wYUxmTW9FNVJiT1h5cHVjMlRMVzBjS2VYTHRtTnBLakh0Sm04RUNpZjkzMUQ5ak0wd3M5WHNiZ3VyNkQ2VVhSSkoxTFdSVEs0OHlYWkpuQ0haUFRDZGtLSnV5RTVVWnNGaU9XYTlEUE5uaUo4S2dqeXYxL2pwd0NSajE4V1JMQT09/FUNNY+QUOTES+TO+MAKE+PEOPLE+LAUGH/(374daa229367450584b05f3a828263ed).jpg)
“I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals, I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – A. Whitney Brown
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVXl4dVBUNnc5UFZTVFl4L1dNOUdGdGNFSkxBZTlMZ29DQ2FBdWRRVUovbmZRUS9RVEdOOXZxQXROcjlLVmM0YjVNYjFQWE96b2V0M0RsQy8zVHFZNWlnV2QzeVFhcGx1ODZWeHplOHlRRUNwNGdVeUhqcVRBWDZ0UFEvMTE1bjVBPT0%3D/FUNNY+QUOTES+TO+MAKE+PEOPLE+LAUGH/(d31a07fee8d8c54277a526aac66732b6).jpg)
“I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.” – Steven Wright
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVDlvSTR1ZG41ZzFuMVpGVStXN3R2akpwYlB3YmYrUnRJeDFVdFJ6NzF3M1JaUEFURUF5bUhQdDBSZWI4cFpjdzdlWUJYLzhmc1ZjY2lyeGJJU0QvaGwzZGRZN3oydi9lb3BFbGJFZU9sdVNOTmRCZXhDeERTaGVXQ1ByWndDWCtUOXhYRHJ3djBPZ1VScDQ0ejhHYUlwV1NlWjlQeTBGUmg3MVJ5WS9BUFFiRWQ1bkQ2MUlDd1Q3UHU2OHV6SlF4dz09/FUNNY+QUOTES+TO+MAKE+PEOPLE+LAUGH/(95b45e59c84fdc523a23c6475b341d51).jpg)
“I don’t have a bank account because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name.” – Paula Poundstone
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrYVpJQ29uc1BWZ2lmU1NtbFg4QkxlUzFQZ1MzcVlGV2ZnMlcxUWtxQTJ1REdtQ2UwNDc5NnJWVEtaMXpSNFk0SGtHK1g1dml1SU9MWm9HTmY5Vm5FeXo1dlhmNGdWQ1lyTEIybkluc1FzS1hVR2RrK2pnN0Z5Z21KbHJnci9SQ2RUczFXbXZFci9NOEpweXJuOGlCU0pVPQ%3D%3D/FUNNY+QUOTES+TO+MAKE+PEOPLE+LAUGH/(d1c5c10ce8aa533400d66a336857dd5b).jpg)
“My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like, ‘I know, right?'” – Anonymous
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVDlvSTR1ZG41ZzFuMVpGVStXN3R2ajFhRGh5enNHWU91b3lzekJhangyOFo4MExDMWJZendDS0pMTlVnQjEwaDg5MzQySnZVTmVJVFlMZW83YjZ6ejZManlYaEpNRHdZZUpUQ1FhcGRLaks%3D/FUNNY+QUOTES+TO+MAKE+PEOPLE+LAUGH/(a2c458d04c0ae9cd78343d4d08f304b1).jpg)
“I don’t sweat—I sparkle.” – Anonymous