FUNNY QUOTES TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH

“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.” – Henny Youngman

“My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.” – Milton Berle

“If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” – Steven Wright

“The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.” – E. Joseph Cossman

“I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.” – Robin Williams

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey

“The first step is admitting you have a problem. Then my second step is putting caramel on it.” – Angela Kinsey

“I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.” – Anonymous

“I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.” – Anonymous

“A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.” – Barbara Johnson

“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So, I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Emo Philips

“I eat cake because it’s somebody’s birthday somewhere.” – Anonymous

“If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?” – Jerry Seinfeld LIFE QUOTES FOR LOVED ONES

“I’m not shy, I’m just quietly plotting your demise.” – Anonymous

“The harder you work, the luckier I get.” – Samuel Goldwyn

“I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.” – Anonymous

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. They never expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde

“If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?” – Anonymous

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire

“I’m not clumsy, I’m just testing gravity.” – Anonymous

“I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals, I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – A. Whitney Brown

“I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.” – Steven Wright

“I don’t have a bank account because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name.” – Paula Poundstone

“My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like, ‘I know, right?'” – Anonymous

“I don’t sweat—I sparkle.” – Anonymous