FUNNY RADIO QUOTES

“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” – Rita Rudner

“I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.” – Demetri Martin

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire

“I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.” – Stewart Francis

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein

“I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.” – Robin Williams

“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” – Oscar Wilde

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams

“I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.” – Robert Benchley

“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far, I’ve finished two bags of M&M’s and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” – Dave Barry

“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett

“I’m not clumsy, it’s just that the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the wall gets in the way.” – Unknown FAMOUS INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES ABOUT LIFE

“I can resist everything except temptation.” – Oscar Wilde

“I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.” – Unknown

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” – Steven Wright

“The best time to give advice to your children is while they’re still young enough to believe you know what you’re talking about.” – Unknown

“The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.” – Charles Bukowski

“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” – Charles Lamb

“Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?” – George Carlin

“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” – Unknown

“I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – A. Whitney Brown

“Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children. Now I have six children and no theories.” – John Wilmot

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should’ve been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin