“I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.” – Unknown
“I’m sorry for what I said when I was hungry.” – Unknown
“I named my dog ‘Five Miles’ so I can say I walk Five Miles every day.” – Unknown
“I don’t need anger management, I need people to stop making me angry.” – Unknown
“Don’t take life too seriously, nobody gets out alive anyway.” – Unknown
“I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.” – Unknown
“Going to bed early feels like punishment. Going to bed late feels like a victory.” – Unknown
“My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.” – Unknown
“I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.” – Unknown
“Television: A medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.” – Ernie Kovacs
“My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.” – Unknown
“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein
“I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.” – Unknown POSITIVE SMILE QUOTES IN ENGLISH
“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Emo Philips
“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire
“I don’t think inside the box, and I don’t think outside the box. I don’t even know where the box is.” – Unknown
“I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.” – Unknown
“I used to jog, but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.” – Unknown
“Why do they call it ‘rush hour’ when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams
“I’m not lazy, I’m just very relaxed.” – Unknown
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” – Charles Lamb
“I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.” – Unknown
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.” – Steven Wright
“A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory.” – Mark Twain
“I’m not clumsy, it’s just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.” – Unknown