“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”

“Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.”

“Don’t just teach your children to read, teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.”

“I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.”

“The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post ‘Thou shalt not steal,’ ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery,’ and ‘Thou shalt not lie’ in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.”

“Life is full of ironies, but the greatest irony of all is that people are educated beyond their intelligence.”

“I don’t have pet peeves, I have major psychotic f*cking hatreds.”

“Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”

“It’s called the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.”

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”

“Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.”

“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.”

“The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

“Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, ‘Wow, what a ride!'” BEAUTIFUL SAVAGE QUOTES

“Electricity is really just organized lightning.”

“If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.”

“If a man sacrifices everything for his family, he’s praised as a loving and devoted father. But if a woman does it, she’s judged for not having a career.”

“I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.”

“Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don’t know one child with a full-time job and children.”

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof, and you can’t get it down.”

“The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

“The reason I’m not a pessimist is that I think it’s better to try to see the good in things and not see the bad. That would make me an optimist. But I sure as hell don’t see the good in everything; it’s too hard. I’m a possibilitarian, a speculative optimist, a hopeful realist. I believe in the power of possibility.”

“Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: ‘We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.'”

“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”