GOOD COMEDY QUOTES

“I don’t want to die in a car accident. When I die, I want it to be a glorious blaze of glory… in my sleep, like my grandfather did. Not screaming, like the passengers in his car.” – Jack Handey

“I’m not saying my wife is a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a kitchen timer.” – Bob Hope

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin

“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So, I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Emo Philips

“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” – Michael Scott

“I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.” – W.C. Fields

“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” – Dave Barry

“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” – Tommy Cooper

“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – A. Whitney Brown

“If at first you don’t succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.” – Bill Lyon

“I used to play piano by ear. I still can, but my ears are getting better.” – Gerry Mulligan

“If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” – Steven Wright

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” – Steven Wright

“I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.” – Robin Williams ANNIVERSARY WISHES QUOTES FOR FRIEND

“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen

“The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.” – Walter J. West

“I can resist everything except temptation.” – Oscar Wilde

“I don’t have a bank account because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name.” – Paula Poundstone

“I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on.” – Roseanne Barr

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.” – George Burns

“You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” – Bob Hope

“I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I only lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.” – Elayne Boosler

“I’m not saying my doctor is incompetent, but I once went in to see him about a bad case of the flu, and he immediately started in on my funeral arrangements.” – Gary Delaney

“Why do people say ‘grow some balls’? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.” – Sheng Wang

“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?” – Anon

“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates