“I’m not lazy, I’m just in energy-saving mode.”

“I’m currently experiencing life at the rate of 15 WTFs per hour.”

“I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.”

“The only exercise I do is running out of money.”

“I don’t need anger management, people just need to stop pissing me off.”

“I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.”

“My doctors told me I have a serious condition…they called it ‘insanity’.”

“You know you’re getting old when you bend down to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.”

“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.”

“I follow three simple rules: eat, sleep, and be lazy.”

“I’m not clumsy, it’s just the floor hates me and the tables and chairs are bullies.”

“My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.”

“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes, she hugged me.” FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT ANGER AND FRUSTRATION

“If life gives you lemons, just add vodka.”

“I don’t repeat gossip, so listen carefully the first time.”

“I tried being normal once, worst two minutes of my life.”

“Common sense is like deodorant, the people who need it most never use it.”

“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy marshmallows, which are kinda the same thing.”

“I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.”

“I can resist everything except temptation and pizza.”

“I don’t have a beer belly, I have a protective covering for my rock-hard abs.”

“I’m not a nerd, I’m just smarter than everyone else.”

“I’m not always sarcastic, sometimes I’m sleeping.”

“I don’t have a short attention span, I just…oh look, a squirrel!”

“When nothing goes right, go left. Unless there’s a wall, then turn back.”