“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” – Michael Scott, The Office

“I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.” – Groucho Marx

“I was reading a book on anti-gravity. It was impossible to put down!” – Unknown

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin

“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” – Terry Pratchett

“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.” – Samuel Goldwyn

“I don’t need an alarm clock. My ideas wake me.” – Ray Bradbury

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” – Mitch Hedberg

“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” – Charles Lamb

“I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.” – Unknown

“I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.” – Unknown

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire

“I intend to live forever – so far, so good.” – Steven Wright

“If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.” – Unknown QUOTES ABOUT SICK FAMILY

“I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.” – Unknown

“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.” – Lily Tomlin

“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” – Tommy Cooper

“The only thing standing between me and total happiness is reality.” – Douglas Adams

“I always carry a pen in my pocket, because you never know when someone will have a fantastic autograph book.” – Mitch Hedberg

“Some days you’re the bug, some days you’re the windshield.” – Unknown

“I’m sorry if I ever gave you the impression that I was mature enough to handle an adult conversation.” – Unknown

“My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.” – Oscar Levant

“I can resist everything except temptation.” – Oscar Wilde

“I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.” – Mae West

“I’m not a complete idiot – some parts are missing.” – Unknown

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin

“I’m not clumsy, it’s just the floor hates me, chairs and tables attack me, and the wall gets in my way.” – Unknown