HUMOROUS QUOTE OF THE DAY

“I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.”

“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy chocolate, which is pretty much the same thing.”

“I’m not clumsy, the floor just hates me.”

“I don’t need anger management, I need people to stop pissing me off.”

“Some days I amaze myself, other days I look for my phone while holding it.”

“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”

“I don’t have a bad handwriting, I just have my own font.”

“Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.”

“I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.”

“I’m not antisocial, I’m selectively social.”

“If I was meant to be controlled, I would have come with a remote.”

“I’m not procrastinating. I’m giving my brain a break.”

“I’m not forgetful, I’m just on a constant memory-saving mode.”

“The only exercise I get is jumping to conclusions.”

“I’m not a morning person. Don’t talk to me until the coffee has kicked in.” QUOTES ABOUT LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP LOVE

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”

“I’m not a doctor, but I’ll take a look anyway.”

“I’m not a chef, but I can burn water.”

“I’m not funny, I’m just really good at pretending to be hilarious.”

“Cleaning the house while the kids are home is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.”

“I may be old, but I got to see all the cool bands.”

“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”

“I don’t have a inner child, I have an inner old lady who’s afraid of everything.”

“I don’t diet. I just eat according to my privacy settings.”

“I’m not saying I’m Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room?”

“I’m not lazy, I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.”

“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.”

“I’m not short, I’m just concentrated awesome.”