I WILL MAKE YOU LAUGH QUOTES

“I’m not lazy, I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.”

“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.”

“I’m not clumsy. The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.”

“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying. Worst. Transformer. Ever.”

“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.”

“Be careful when following the masses. Sometimes, the M is silent.”

“My patience is as thin as my internet connection.”

“It’s funny how chocolate can solve all your problems, until you run out of chocolate.”

“Seeing a spider in my room isn’t scary. It’s scary when it disappears.”

“I’m not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.”

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”

“The easiest way to make your wife’s heart skip a beat is to skip vacuuming.”

“I used to think I was indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.”

“I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.” FAMOUS SHAKESPEARE QUOTES MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING

“I got a gym membership because I want to exercise. Just kidding, it was for their free WiFi.”

“I’m not saying I’m Superman, but no one has ever seen me and Superman in the same room.”

“I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth. Now when I talk, I have this weird fresh scent.”

“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”

“I don’t need anger management. I just need people to stop pissing me off!”

“I’m a multitasker—I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.”

“Time flies when you’re married. Mostly because you’re always running late.”

“I don’t have a beer belly. It’s a protective cushion for my six-pack.”

“I used to be a people person, until people ruined that for me.”

“Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.”

“I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”

“The biggest lie I tell myself is: ‘I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.'”

“If there’s a will, there are 500 relatives fighting over it.”