“I’m attracted to slightly broken people who are very charming and good at pretending to be normal.”

“I’m not overweight, I’m just easy to see.”

“I’m like a chameleon, only without the whole blending into my surroundings thing.”

“I don’t have a problem with commitment, I just haven’t found someone worth committing to… yet.”

“I’m not a player, I just crush a lot… of candy in my spare time.”

“I may not be a rocket scientist, but I can definitely rock a sequined dress.”

“I don’t have a favorite drink, but if it has alcohol, I’m pretty sure I’ll like it.”

“I always give 110%… at avoiding strenuous physical activity.”

“I don’t need a personal trainer, I need someone to follow me around and slap cookies out of my hands.”

“I’ve been known to break a few hearts… mainly because I can’t see where I’m going without my glasses.”

“I wish my laundry would fold itself. That’s the kind of productivity I’m looking for.”

“I love shopping, it’s like therapy but much more expensive and you don’t need to talk about your feelings.” QUOTE ABOUT LOVE THE DARK TOWER

“I have a very magnetic personality… especially around credit card machines.”

“I don’t need a knight in shining armor, just someone who can fix my Wi-Fi.”

“I don’t diet, I indulge in advanced culinary research.”

“I believe in retail therapy, it’s cheaper than a therapist and you get new shoes.”

“I’m not clumsy, I’m just dancing with gravity.”

“I have a love-hate relationship with exercise. I love to hate it.”

“I don’t need to impress anyone. My charm speaks for itself… sometimes in a foreign language no one understands.”

“I wish people came with warning labels. Mine would say ‘Approach with caution: excessive sarcasm ahead.'”

“I’m not a perfectionist, I just like things done right the first time… or the third time if needed.”

“I may not be good at math, but I can definitely calculate the perfect amount of wine to get through a tough day.”

“Life’s too short to take yourself too seriously… or to miss out on dessert.”