“I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

“I’m the best bro. I have the highest pretzel quantity score at Dunder Mifflin.”

“Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.”

“Why waste time say lot word when few word do trick?”

“I’m always jacked up. I’m jacked up on mornings, I’m jacked up on life!”

“Mini-cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes? Which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people?!”

“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little ‘stitious.”

“I saved a life: my own. Am I a hero? I really can’t say, but yes.”

“Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”

“I have very little patience for people who leave voicemail messages. Hi, it’s 200 Text me, babe!”

“I don’t know what I’m gonna do, but I do know this: I’m gonna root for the Lakers against whoever the Bulls play.”

“This is a place of welcoming, and you should just get the hell out of here.”

“I’ve got boxes full of Pepe. Mm-hmm. In fact, you may say that I have all of the Pepe.”

“You need to be spontaneous when you’re a salesman. Pow! Do you want this? Pow!” BIBLE QUOTES ABOUT ROCKS

“I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon. Sue me.”

“I’m totally gonna bang Holly. She’s cute and helpful. It’s when she’s the opposite of those things that I get scared.”

“I have very little patience for stupidity.”

“It’s just nice to win one in the end. Makes me feel like all the others were worth it.”

“If you look in the dictionary under loser, you’ll see a picture of me, but some people succeed because they’re destined to.”

“Plan B can’t be ‘dressed up as Batman’. Okay, fine! It can be ‘dressed up as Batman’.”

“K-I-S-S, keep it simple, stupid. Great advice. Hurts my feelings every time.”

“Me think, why waste time say lot word when few word do trick.”

“Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not that way.”

“I need a username and I have a great one. ‘LittleKidLover’. That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.”

“I’m not saying I’m Superman. I’m just saying that nobody has ever seen me and Superman in the same room.”

“Hey, I’m not a moron. Like, people say that I am, but I’m not a moron.”