MATCHA FUNNY QUOTES

“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.” – Anonymous

“I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.” – Unknown

“Whenever someone calls me ugly, I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.” – Anonymous

“I’m not clumsy, I’m just on a mission to create gravity.” – Unknown

“I live in a world where people can’t stand to be without their phones for 10 seconds, but somehow can survive an entire weekend without toilet paper.” – Anonymous

“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.” – Bill Murray

“I named my dog ‘Five Miles’ so I can say I walk Five Miles every day.” – Unknown

“Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!” – Unknown

“Some people shouldn’t be allowed to have three-day weekends. They just don’t know how to manage their free time.” – Anonymous

“I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He replied, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t make it on Tuesdays.'” – Unknown

“I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.” – Steven Wright

“Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!” – Billy Connolly

“Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired!” – Unknown

“I’m not clumsy, the floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.” – Unknown FAMOUS QUOTES ABOUT IDENTITY

“My cleaning lady told me I should do something about my messy house. I told her, ‘I already did, I hired you!'” – Anonymous

“I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.” – Unknown

“Don’t be fooled by the calendar. There are only as many days in the year as you make use of.” – Charles Richards

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of credit card payments.” – Unknown

“Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!” – Unknown

“I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.” – Unknown

“I thought I wanted a career, but it turns out I just wanted a paycheck.” – Unknown

“Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He will stop at nothing to avoid them.” – Unknown

“The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.” – Unknown

“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.” – Unknown

“I once sneezed in a library and everyone started looking at me strangely. It’s clearly a plot against bestsellers!” – Unknown

“My bed wasn’t feeling well, so I stayed home with it instead of going to work.” – Unknown

“Some people just didn’t listen to their parents when they were told that life is not a joke, but they took it as a dare!” – Unknown