![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVGJ3NWhSeWdFUTdsdjczWmFrRThPN0Q0RFhUc3RyRFZNS3l4Y2pUY2VrS0tlRmtRcG1GUXhPZ1JtcmwwQWNaMDNRNElkWUI0U3BsSGg5Tkh6TTZCSG9HSExqWTJPQ3d4L3QvWWhTcFR3RWxtY3dEaUE2TDc5L0ViTUFBcktrQnlJR2k2NmRlb3poY0tFUHBnZ3lhQXlERVFzeHZEb0gyQ3RNdGxNcWgxUnMvVHRxaHZyZkd0RjJGd2NEZ2lhN3dudz09/MESSED+UP+QUOTES+FUNNY/(8058198fbb4838a2e9a7cccdc3f31610).jpg)
“I asked the librarian if she had any books on paranoia – she whispered, ‘They’re right behind you!'”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/amk5L3IxQm1SbkRHeGNmRDMxSXdMOFRVYU4wRFNBeXpadTJBa1VkdU5mZUUvZm1DMUowMGM4YUE5dm5JZW5jMFVld2o0RUNqLzlIcmVWaUo3eWVPazNEeWtRVWxxZ3NhOGMxY294Z1dVUHdnMlZnRy96QTlHRFRTRGxxRFF5MGJubGh2K1pFNXluQlNwdlc2ckJ4enlnPT0%3D/MESSED+UP+QUOTES+FUNNY/(36145310d394859d6c0bcbc5790c5d60).jpg)
“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes – she hugged me.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/amk5L3IxQm1SbkRHeGNmRDMxSXdMOEdXOVU2YUNrajlRRnpCZXduS1g4U3lOSk54eHU3alVUQVhmMzhKSkhmOGg0bjdvc3kxSHZKWWdsOHMvSUQ1dFZlM0lBWkxHV25TaXdmSTBQU0lSTUxqenBXZjBPYWVOaDViVU93K1NuVTIydm0yZGYvbEZvWDZ0SzZ2NjE2M3h1NWxKZ0ZDVXZGRHlaU0d2TTY5anRJPQ%3D%3D/MESSED+UP+QUOTES+FUNNY/(0a7f44dadb649de47f441794e1c3660d).jpg)
“I wanted to lose some weight, so I went on a diet… unfortunately, I lost track.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/amk5L3IxQm1SbkRHeGNmRDMxSXdMNmFrM3B2L2p4Vm1aWkkzRWl5Mlp1TEdaNGkxazBHV2dXSHF6UWpLaDNHVkk3TXdtS2lRVGQ2UGZWVnRRNHBJK2JMWVlabTJPTHV2UWxISlQyZDlRVnc9/MESSED+UP+QUOTES+FUNNY/(303616caaf30a49a0efaeb0dae062d6b).jpg)
“I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/amk5L3IxQm1SbkRHeGNmRDMxSXdMN2R2b0E2TkYyQWZYZTkrQ2FTOTV2RndnRThZaVdZUzRjanJFN2FBajRBOFJ5WDVoa1pEK01BNC9mbVVCRXlRa043TmVGS3hySHBuUy96QS80dXpqQWxxalNJL2JLRFBCRTdsUUZiSy9MUVc%3D/MESSED+UP+QUOTES+FUNNY/(e84362c039e17f8900012cb1710d0bb4).jpg)
“I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/amk5L3IxQm1SbkRHeGNmRDMxSXdMNmFrM3B2L2p4Vm1aWkkzRWl5Mlp1SzhmdUlsRjEybUdGYUhqNVJjSVBHRnlhM1h1bjZFKzVMdS84QkdjRE85VlBGNEF6S0d1UzdaK0IzMHRERi9nZlZpczkvTUJLeFVzbmlreGhFTmJSRzRLVXNKcUtiNjRUM1JoT2hpOUtURDZ3PT0%3D/MESSED+UP+QUOTES+FUNNY/(a559c3836ae061ae7cf0b730b7b2b4b9).jpg)
“I tried to make a pencil with two erasers… but it was pointless.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/amk5L3IxQm1SbkRHeGNmRDMxSXdMNlNsM2ZoUG5NTmVKQlNJN2pmTzUxamZJK1diT0ZMVGYxTHV0WS9rTVRJQ2k2TTZUbVhQallVeUNGU09EaTA5M1VZZnp6N2RJL1hLOE5DcXlSdVFSU2JqOXltWTROU3FnUEo0TEVpanVDRHhqRTFUaXIzc3h1UVlPYUIzVVhiazdZOUlodER4VU9EYi9iZE8yZnJzSjdRPQ%3D%3D/MESSED+UP+QUOTES+FUNNY/(800491261a445c2fb6a3f6d59d227a6e).jpg)
“I named my dog ‘Five Miles’ so I can tell people I walk Five Miles every day.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/amk5L3IxQm1SbkRHeGNmRDMxSXdMd3VsS1kvcHdzSWc1Mk10cW5RejUvM2Z2K0l6M0svL1lZbWwya0JLeGFaWThBYSt2L1BQTk9mYm9GZW1UdUdoTWYzblVZczJZTldROXZSTnZOWjdERjJGQVQ5Y3J1RGU3d2FSUDR4elYwR3NDWkhtMmRNQlRMZDc4TWRCdVU0NXFRPT0%3D/MESSED+UP+QUOTES+FUNNY/(dba0f569fe890b92bed3a80288365376).jpg)
“I’m reading a book about anti-gravity, it’s impossible to put down.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/amk5L3IxQm1SbkRHeGNmRDMxSXdMd3VsS1kvcHdzSWc1Mk10cW5RejUvMXJnU0phN2UvTEFCSmZ6QWZIYnZCci9TclZiUGxFci9ESHQ3bllBOGQ3WHBDd1FvWnpybTFTVE5DdzZkTkFVSnV1ZDJyekV2ejBVRFIwUThTS2FSYU8wV0hqUEJuSmo4SzM0dTFTRGlQT2FRPT0%3D/MESSED+UP+QUOTES+FUNNY/(e14f3ff43bd42db41a70775e55118e4e).jpg)
“I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don’t know why.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/amk5L3IxQm1SbkRHeGNmRDMxSXdMd3UvbEpnWjBlVjVSaVdmWkYwQVFrOUk5RCt2VjR6VGpKcHJOTGoySTdhclNxanpsSkF6Sk5GM1hzSFk1aDhmbEVmS2NQUGU5U2tQMjBYRnpSM3dmb1pyOW5OZXA2MUhwMkdrN2plVk5CKzhLU2lDbVJkQzUxQ0VXc1B4RWpZSTA2SjF2d3BzRVBHQ2x1aXdPQjRuUmU3VFV4dnIzSU45SEJoK3k2YzVHTlFqc1AyeG1vby94MURVVWFBeWZjanR6L1ZSVkh6NHpWenZvYm5HZjRRNVNENGxUSllNQTlTQXFVcWxqWnFERnZrNThOWWhubTA4S3J2SE9mMmFUdlJVSWc9PQ%3D%3D/MESSED+UP+QUOTES+FUNNY/(f40c25942fdc18d897da4a8f25db2431).jpg)
“I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He replied, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t make it on Tuesdays.'”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/amk5L3IxQm1SbkRHeGNmRDMxSXdML1R2azBZdHNnZ0FCUTAvZUxDNUNaam1PRnZvOTU5Umd4TXFTbWZpNHd6bTZwRHNyWVF0M2diRjdjUkwzWnd1bGpCVG5Fd0V5dzNPcWRyMVFnQjVFb0VzUVBuVVpEV1RUSENXV0lreXFETVpjTHpIOXgxOUFId0hNZjkwa2VBMmZXbWJnR3NwWGIxUnlRTExtdko5OU1vPQ%3D%3D/MESSED+UP+QUOTES+FUNNY/(ae721dc2033c2200ade432690b939658).jpg)
“My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/amk5L3IxQm1SbkRHeGNmRDMxSXdMOFRVYU4wRFNBeXpadTJBa1VkdU5mZEFQWmZZVmljamEwV21ZeDREcGxWcnQ2cDc1eCtkUGdycHI5V3QyQUJnMk1hY1BNUTNyaG1TYmlrcWNRajhwWHYwVmxOM00rSExaU2ozb3NrZkhKbmJ6OExPVUwvRElrd2JXdWxjTXl5aUlRPT0%3D/MESSED+UP+QUOTES+FUNNY/(5b5e3b3ad5d4ce222b83b463fabb274b).jpg)
“I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high, she looked surprised.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/amk5L3IxQm1SbkRHeGNmRDMxSXdMd3VsS1kvcHdzSWc1Mk10cW5RejUvMUJMSjZlZUdoWWdqZW5ZSWRiQTZwaWFMNEF6R2dNdWJwVDZMVzlTd0N0YmFnOUxMSVhCem9nNEZkL3dSZCtVRm5xdkcwbmFXU25LTkg0eitqYmpENGFhaTd1dXV6VWo5Mkx4T3Nvd05NVXJ3d3QrUVJFb2NTbnluOE1tbzFCV3R3PQ%3D%3D/MESSED+UP+QUOTES+FUNNY/(215dea0bf0fb462456d8759aed1cf063).jpg)
“I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/amk5L3IxQm1SbkRHeGNmRDMxSXdMeURrQzhYc0lMbUx2STFWVmFINThkZTlMNnBXckUwUWMrcXNqRHdrdE5SNDBXcWxJbDlTSmp2YW0xNWNPMTcvZjQrQnNyODlmUVpWbFYrUmdvZkZiNWgwdmxnOXlWZWtaWGpNeFVwTDAwdWt3TG1SanBHYXdPRnVLWkgvZGlKRUVhczJQbHNwRk5HVzVjV3grRUt1Sis0PQ%3D%3D/MESSED+UP+QUOTES+FUNNY/(5c931afe15e98b47218cf9d3d9a34496).jpg)
“Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!” WORK IS DONE QUOTES
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/amk5L3IxQm1SbkRHeGNmRDMxSXdMN2R2b0E2TkYyQWZYZTkrQ2FTOTV2SDNLdlVYbGl5dWJqQ3A3N1JyNUkrZmd6NFdPYmZxdUlrRDVWQmh0WlJyUnZESUdSRGJkcVlqNzZmOUZzVURDQjhFZWpwUzhWSFF2Ym1qTnNuYTdlclQ%3D/MESSED+UP+QUOTES+FUNNY/(1d54bf54212b2fe58e13dd84f27e31a6).jpg)
“I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/amk5L3IxQm1SbkRHeGNmRDMxSXdMMExOeXR3cHhvaHRvZzJPQ1NzNTh6MHNZTnVHdFJJTXQrcm5BamtuZldlTVJrWWRMWHo0UEE1NW5VRlhkKzV1aUhsa0FyZnlGQ01vdTFON0lXZU1JSFE9/MESSED+UP+QUOTES+FUNNY/(36ed80e25becc5d6d108d4de0b8ec153).jpg)
“I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/amk5L3IxQm1SbkRHeGNmRDMxSXdMeWRxaUFBd1R5anpSdlpXVEIxc1RZRGxxL0JsdjQ4TlMzOGZidGloRXFVcEsrUFVONlF4a3AwMHpEVGxYaGFxNjZ0YzlHV2cwOE9OZUxkVW9MYW5ySHA5OTVzbFh4SHloUFR2VkN1TG1OYUZPRUV4QVF3SGt2RG02NE5BTU9PUVdnPT0%3D/MESSED+UP+QUOTES+FUNNY/(0102ccb7443443026e6ee725b9e530e1).jpg)
“I finally got my dream job as a baker, now I’m rolling in the dough.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/amk5L3IxQm1SbkRHeGNmRDMxSXdMOFRVYU4wRFNBeXpadTJBa1VkdU5mZUUvZm1DMUowMGM4YUE5dm5JZW5jMFVld2o0RUNqLzlIcmVWaUo3eWVPazB6cE0rVUFmOUxQbnFSSFZ1cFdNTTA4RU84enhaekZYTS9UYzZTTy9LZ1Rnc1MxTmtQeWh0ODd3b2xLdHp6T0VBPT0%3D/MESSED+UP+QUOTES+FUNNY/(623dd62f79093266ce7c98ef54d62927).jpg)
“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes – then she gave me a hug.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/amk5L3IxQm1SbkRHeGNmRDMxSXdMNmFrM3B2L2p4Vm1aWkkzRWl5Mlp1SU54cFRBVC9SMTUrdkNpd29jc1c3TytCSGZQVGxKQkhCdVRsMnB3K3dIaW1pbGl2MkpoNjZSd1MvOEcySXErczgwbW9rTW9ZQ1dXckVLUWFJTy96Q2Q0WTllNGdERldjQXcxU0NIUDRTMDdRPT0%3D/MESSED+UP+QUOTES+FUNNY/(9754ef4b6d7cfbc986e1b46e1f5f3e60).jpg)
“I tried to make a belt made out of watches, but it was just a waist of time.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/amk5L3IxQm1SbkRHeGNmRDMxSXdMNWc3RldnSk5LaW8vYkN2R0RPbFAyOGFjc3h5VlpDaTYrYndyODQ0WCttVE5KS29Ieit0Yy9RaDJpN2RWRWFJSlc4NEIwUGxrQmV5ZG5IWkpBMU5CS3BORk96VjRUUzBSdjdiUTgxL0hVOXRaZC8zbUgwOGx0TUZDQnpZUzRpS095RW83Y0NCUnRpNno4SDA5d1p2ZVlBPQ%3D%3D/MESSED+UP+QUOTES+FUNNY/(db5057f444354cc366ba1c38134d79ac).jpg)
“I hit the gym because I heard I could get a six-pack, unfortunately, they meant abs.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/amk5L3IxQm1SbkRHeGNmRDMxSXdMLzBwa29UdFNGbjZZQlRUMnFNeVZwbEN0ZC80amtLT2I5WFRSeDdoc3UrTGhEV2owT1BYU2F0aXhmMGFSdkxzbDZDRW1WVExjcXVqZm9nNnN5ZG1Wb093MUU2Ym9UM0VrN09lL2M4ejVqREhrMkRxbThxS3Y1WmhvWWIxNE5LK1VCTXM5a1J4cS9adllVTTlNU01vYldidWFUVVF3VGloakFGR1dYSTU0aTlsaWRVcDNlR2Z4ODZsbUJVRWtsYzJ2N21RTnA5UXpVZnd1K2hTNjBmNWdIUT0%3D/MESSED+UP+QUOTES+FUNNY/(e93963d3cc79910769a0f119967b9f85).jpg)
“My kid wants to be a tap dancer. We’re looking for environmental tap shoes… because he has a “green” foot!”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/amk5L3IxQm1SbkRHeGNmRDMxSXdMd3pzM0huaVBHNk1vcURVTmpDdUtPamZIcUNvSFJTTm1UKzlsYk5ib0IweGNEdVNFeDJaMEZPQ3lDUlRWMkt1aENFT2RrQnE3UURodnlMbDRGeDFLZ2tCNGEzV2NGd2p4ZkVzdWZldkxYeDRJSmVnZGJsbjlaRVNpME9SeEU5dzNNcUhTOEZUUmtwN1d0dC82ZXNSMTJGR1JEMmQrZTJtcnBaQ0J6OE8wNS80dm56RFVWN1JoV1pBVGROVmhBRVhrVzlIUkoxUFU1T3FHZk83R1p2TXloYXNTeGxWM2VPOWxNaVhLRnU5Y1Y0NQ%3D%3D/MESSED+UP+QUOTES+FUNNY/(7aaa815838e1215cf520ffe63fe1f262).jpg)
“I bought a ceiling fan, but the house is still as hot as before. It’s definitely not working, I think I need to exchange it… for a better house.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/amk5L3IxQm1SbkRHeGNmRDMxSXdMd3UvbEpnWjBlVjVSaVdmWkYwQVFrOUlEVkdwdktuN2ppTHRqbTlRRmx4WXh1cm1FaWorSVplLzczMWZhcjFrYW0wU2JHMFNLS1ROc0xDT0g1UW5Eck15VDAyR0FiK3Z2ejBIOFBwMzdxUkhPSUg1ZGFUcDlDV0lPb3JaYklTY2p3UTRJY29EdXlxNWQvNVFPV2U4S0FqZTB4Z0t6dktuSmhqcWdFcERJTVFKdW5ZWjd2d25wVEVYRXVPWWVUZlVnUThoekdlejQ3Ty9PZUVFdG93SEtVTT0%3D/MESSED+UP+QUOTES+FUNNY/(227ee268691dbf680ddf047caafab552).jpg)
“I asked the tailor if he could sew buttons on my shirt. He asked, ‘Sew buttons?’ I replied, ‘No, it’s just a habit.'”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/amk5L3IxQm1SbkRHeGNmRDMxSXdMNzhVUmZYV0tSNlpvZkxZWGhjZ2Rza0k0cTlxQk1jRjdsMGovaWxsMEdwZXcwV0M4N3crMFA4SHhyeWwvRHovYjl1S3ZPT2dyMFBzVTBDaldFajRXS2pLbHVjZTE1WWd0S3BLcHFQNHUrL29RamRmTWhsRVVtSjRKMm96bDFxWU1WS1hXaUVGREtBM2F2NzNwc0doYUwwU2NsUlFSakVaaXFZR1Nhd0FhdEROd0pUaXVnMC9uNytMNVFMY3E3MVd3bDZ6aE5qNFF6NFdqYkRxeVJ4VnFTYzVDOHhNb1NMeHI0ODNienhoUTZRcg%3D%3D/MESSED+UP+QUOTES+FUNNY/(e2bca343ee8b50973ed0163358b494b5).jpg)
“I hired a handyman to fix a broken window. He gave me a blank stare and said, ‘I can’t fix this, I’m a carpenter, not an optometrist!'”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/amk5L3IxQm1SbkRHeGNmRDMxSXdMK3krU0REakY2cXlwdzl5MGJiVi9xeXlZWVhodGFSTjcyQ1MyVzZ3WFluZ1lBNDJHY0JUT3FlcVVGU1Q4THVCaUErczJmNTZJZHE0Rnhtc2trZHZjazBTWFpnT3hlSTkweEtwd3YraXVmdUJZd0cxVGNxaG94Y09xbmxzN21VVkZBPT0%3D/MESSED+UP+QUOTES+FUNNY/(77fef2d4dd1f19d7f695f9c6b600549f).jpg)
“I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was collecting dust.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/amk5L3IxQm1SbkRHeGNmRDMxSXdMOEdXOVU2YUNrajlRRnpCZXduS1g4VGZ1bW9wVXMraHpHV25xOXh5RGorbHd0MndycUpTK3FsSnhDOUx4WlJwYXIrWUdrZzF4MUxGQTZYV01qTnFxaklVbXhFTmdFZkZHUHlDWjRCQUpZeEh1bUtWTm5HU3oycG5LS2xFSTR1ZjlzQ1hRcUIyUkFmUnZFSTdvcWJoWTU4PQ%3D%3D/MESSED+UP+QUOTES+FUNNY/(978e3fd99e2621d5b49e2ec7c6dffbfc).jpg)
“I wanted to lose weight, so I rented a treadmill… just to watch TV while eating ice cream.”