MESSED UP QUOTES FUNNY

“I asked the librarian if she had any books on paranoia – she whispered, ‘They’re right behind you!'”

“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes – she hugged me.”

“I wanted to lose some weight, so I went on a diet… unfortunately, I lost track.”

“I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.”

“I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.”

“I tried to make a pencil with two erasers… but it was pointless.”

“I named my dog ‘Five Miles’ so I can tell people I walk Five Miles every day.”

“I’m reading a book about anti-gravity, it’s impossible to put down.”

“I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don’t know why.”

“I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He replied, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t make it on Tuesdays.'”

“My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.”

“I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high, she looked surprised.”

“I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!”

“Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!” WORK IS DONE QUOTES

“I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.”

“I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.”

“I finally got my dream job as a baker, now I’m rolling in the dough.”

“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes – then she gave me a hug.”

“I tried to make a belt made out of watches, but it was just a waist of time.”

“I hit the gym because I heard I could get a six-pack, unfortunately, they meant abs.”

“My kid wants to be a tap dancer. We’re looking for environmental tap shoes… because he has a “green” foot!”

“I bought a ceiling fan, but the house is still as hot as before. It’s definitely not working, I think I need to exchange it… for a better house.”

“I asked the tailor if he could sew buttons on my shirt. He asked, ‘Sew buttons?’ I replied, ‘No, it’s just a habit.'”

“I hired a handyman to fix a broken window. He gave me a blank stare and said, ‘I can’t fix this, I’m a carpenter, not an optometrist!'”

“I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was collecting dust.”

“I wanted to lose weight, so I rented a treadmill… just to watch TV while eating ice cream.”