“I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.”

“I may be a millennial, but I can still turn on a light switch without asking Siri.”

“I’m not addicted to social media, I just have a strong relationship with my WiFi.”

“I don’t trip over things, I do random gravity checks.”

“My patience level is equal to a WiFi signal in the basement.”

“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy me a new outfit for my Instagram feed.”

“I’m not a stalker, I’m just doing in-depth social media research.”

“My ability to remember song lyrics from the 90s is inversely proportional to my ability to remember where I put my keys.”

“My life is like a romantic comedy, minus the romance and just a whole lot of comedy.”

“I don’t need a personal trainer, YouTube fitness videos have got my back.”

“I always carry a pen, because you never know when someone might ask for an autograph.”

“I’m not shy, I’m just extremely well skilled at figuring out exactly how uninterested people are in what I have to say.”

“I finally realized I’m an adult when I stopped getting an allowance and started paying my own phone bill.”

“I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.” IF YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN ACHIEVE QUOTE

“I might not have a six-pack, but I have a whole fridge of beer. Close enough.”

“I used to have life goals, now I just have daily targets for my Netflix binge-watching sessions.”

“If stress burned calories, I’d be a supermodel.”

“My phone is always on silent, not because I’m considerate, but because I forget to turn the sound on.”

“I don’t need a personal assistant, just someone to follow me around and say ‘It’s okay, you’re doing great!'”

“I’m not clumsy, the floor just hates me.”

“I never make the same mistake twice. I make it three or four times, you know, just to be sure I learned my lesson.”

“I don’t play favorites, but I do have a playlist for each mood.”

“I don’t need a prince charming, I need someone who can unlock my iPhone when I forget the password.”

“I’m not a morning person, but I’m also not an early afternoon person, a late afternoon person, or an evening person. Basically, I’m just not a person.”

“I don’t need a personal trainer, my anxiety provides me with a full-body workout every day.”

“If sarcasm burned calories, I’d be the skinniest person alive.”