![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrWHplUnRXa2JXQyt2WURPaDBnS3Ywd0QxTVdTaDRDYmdlRDhSLzRhOVRhdEptNDBQOWdPcEZtckV2SU1FeUdzUmhNSTZwd3J0T1NNT3htWUltT1dnS1M2K0xZRk53MFRNdXUyUHRyb0Rnek1HZ1R5NTUydEpOVEM4RkxGTjhyRWVFMEdRQUJJeUN3V0dyaEZ4bFJPbFdiM0JzRHAxNGJ2RzZkbFdEdXpLUHZE/PHYLLIS+DILLER+FUNNY+QUOTES/(5f1223a1ae6725dd60f0bc777d075a56).jpg)
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrY1Y0R2RPUkZ6SzkwV3BXbDNOQ0RkYkRpNVpQemFpY2JaT1JITTl2a1EwaWI1M2szQ29XM2k1Rm9oMzZZRTUyblpNTUd6Tit5eHpVcStjZ0Z6WHl1b29wcitQVTNTM1VFOVBYdUphcXBlcmhnWE45VjgwUnJZZWhLN0VLL29BdUlRPT0%3D/PHYLLIS+DILLER+FUNNY+QUOTES/(cf73a2305b64526cc717b7f158307c28).jpg)
“I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrY1diOGJ5ZEk4SHVWYjIrNXpxUHVVNzlQOEtBMDFIcXRiM3ZPaDdURm1GZ0hjcnNLWWR1NTJoMGluc3RIaGxlL2hybDdwM3ZxME9GRnhOSWFtR3UzWFU9/PHYLLIS+DILLER+FUNNY+QUOTES/(af99207ea0b4e87245667ff40947986f).jpg)
“I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrUXBjQXQwREpMUzBBM1FqS0hEYzhPY3NWQnU2c0ZlMWF3dENleHZ2OHJteHNrRFVYUWQwV3duQ0dNeXh2c2FMRVJmSjExTUpzTkZTUkZVY0lTb08vd0N5M0lxb3kvUCtzSnBkUzlRUGVQZjJoMExnaHFBZUxVaWc0Ky9TMjlGZnlXaktWUW1pSjRCUHNKR01aR3FlODlRPQ%3D%3D/PHYLLIS+DILLER+FUNNY+QUOTES/(bb4cec67e39cbc89f516a0d69944e41d).jpg)
“I buried my husband under our favorite tree… At least I can visit him twice a day now.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrV3dXc0gxMG1lcDNaNG5SeVdETlVEVXd1UXl1M3ZBY3RYUHpacldiekliYzZqalpKNlJoSkplZFpsd05USG1FNXkzSXQwL0ZyTXVPSkdvWVlCYUVCcFZwUGhtWUpIVlNTb0F5MGM3RGN2YXNYQzJPcVBCcHQ1TnpHSFdTb3JOTWNPZ2x2QnpHR1FQUEpZQk0xL09VUVRNV2FYeXdEWU83anRjZGdIWHpMbVZt/PHYLLIS+DILLER+FUNNY+QUOTES/(66c290f5dc1395480a3db6e68cbc08c8).jpg)
“I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrYXRYRE1GTVZUckdSbkV4K05VdWkyZzR0c1lWMnpyVWZ3b3hESlpPZHlUR3U4eTFNd1BsNEgwMCtlRGVoTE9qYTVOcDRXZWJJclZoMlFYdmFENlFiVTdsajNyVUx0YU8vbml2TlpVQUVEL3A%3D/PHYLLIS+DILLER+FUNNY+QUOTES/(6fda7ba286e772f48989e72e6271a6df).jpg)
“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZkJYSmgzZVh3S21nU25NN2VZWEZDaEY5L3htNXUxM3lvbDN5bjNkWlR4N0k1VHRMN2hQRUZXZ0lNRGlwUFgwSjQ0d3U5WXMwSWE3TDJxQUl4UlgwbVE2RnJhN29EQVI0UlVBdDVWbWRVa0Q%3D/PHYLLIS+DILLER+FUNNY+QUOTES/(d19a007254f58f65074f825fefcbde42).jpg)
“The only thing domestic about me is I live indoors.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVGdaTHdOQUt4bEFMS1BHaktvUWYvTVdNeGVtRHE4WFBOMGxuMTZoSXZCQUhHc3dKRWxaUCtPUWhoRUZ4aTlCVmNwVHZpenRVWmdqMng5M1VIdjFOVG9mQTdHSGVFSGxodUVOVEpJUTlJSzFxWFB3TFNQSmQ1MDhZV2g1eGJldXo4eHdSQlhMVHRsOEJTREtuaFpndk1jRjYwaWpKSGZhZmFSdThUY2J1SXNj/PHYLLIS+DILLER+FUNNY+QUOTES/(3d6b5d170b9cbfbebd90ef8291dedfdc).jpg)
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrYW5haCtPSW1rMERaNGpIR3JnY2daRmZydUNxV09XdDVZTVcxaXo3aDgvZE05SXlaTWVKZFR2NktLV3F1RXkyWldoUU82dlRUQk5VUUU5bG4weTNHUkpHQldXdDZhTGVPMkFKb3JRbHpDK0N4QXZGaDF6QVY1dWJJcGk0K2xjUFQ1UjhLek9pVkJybEtHY2h2SVEybWNVPQ%3D%3D/PHYLLIS+DILLER+FUNNY+QUOTES/(0d99ef0370d4e9a26f95dbe75a974fe4).jpg)
“I’m the only woman who can take a leopard-print raincoat and make it look like a bathrobe.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZUU1empHU0xQLytWcld5ZGtWQzZ4UHlPK3NQUnlvaFdnUzA0clNhalJ1SnJmV3NxbDk4OVN1b0VaSit3d1hMZ3NHTFQrK0w5M050TXFJQjhPalp3TUltY1lDSzFNQlBKdE5JeVMyRFNpVjIzV3ptZ2JKblVSdVhJTkdyaFVtTGhiMDJMcXNIcitKUUM4bkd4SHBESjMwPQ%3D%3D/PHYLLIS+DILLER+FUNNY+QUOTES/(5b74af94e267b3e7df0749a22fe47a5f).jpg)
“I once traded my husband for a housekeeper. It was a good deal, until she refused to do windows.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVVlqK2NRdmx4ZDZmUFRGZlRhaGFkWE9RdmUwKzliZm1keWFHdEFwajhYQnA3Y3dFUXBiNzhWNG5VVEg1eklNa0ZqdUFKaUpwYmd1UDZnUEZ0VzB3RVpjVFBzTzF5MUdSRFhRbTNJSHJqTTI%3D/PHYLLIS+DILLER+FUNNY+QUOTES/(1f48a66caab29c249266c8223a67837b).jpg)
“A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrY1Y0R2RPUkZ6SzkwV3BXbDNOQ0RkYXh2YnNCZnYyN0J4UGZud1BHVnhyZWZJWnVSVkNtaVpHRGFNdi9ubDJaVXlyNDV1Tzd6Z09WdytKVmFoZHFwNGdDNnFKclByTTNVbDJYeE90ZHdwcjl0TEVtb2c5Z1NBTG9YbDNTQlkxMG9RPT0%3D/PHYLLIS+DILLER+FUNNY+QUOTES/(3fa48d8a62612e22b39c19ea8f9520f1).jpg)
“I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up… they have no holidays.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrWUxYcnQveC9ic3RZZ2VOdEIzbWdFTFlGOTVsSDhxTitQOXNGYkNYUWZoZHRzY29Qc3dGRFMydFQ0SGVpUjdMbVI2a1FuUTdSNnpwTDZ6dlVacWs0eXdycWY1RkNhQnFCMnljaGN3S0VQc0pIVmtld1NzbjVvVk4rNDdKVHh5c1lMR0tiS3VOZmtXTGVyTEJUMnhuSlhrPQ%3D%3D/PHYLLIS+DILLER+FUNNY+QUOTES/(a32ddc956accb27bfc96e949863ccb55).jpg)
“I never made ‘Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in ‘What’s That?'”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrUkVBOExIaHdySHM2eVFNWjBCQTBteUppZTg2SEtIOTBJbDlIZzE2SkkzeTFUdnltZ2RsSGRibDFxancyR3Z2aEJrQ21ONUQzQjg1L1JhQTUrbTh4MUk9/PHYLLIS+DILLER+FUNNY+QUOTES/(806980232b34f299724d3fa87a89c621).jpg)
“I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrWE9SbSt4SlB5L2tVaXNDNVhqWDVIYXdXUlBGbVJOMCtaUWxPMkJUR2xTMDdrczhjcnV1QXVMOWI5NDl2UXZLcUJtaUxnY1YxTmtqTnQ1aWtrK05tWlgzcW5Ka2ROMmhEQWxYN1JmcWtqM0tWTzR3Ymp3OFNIQzhuMTM5d2t4d0JYMnE5OHRzZjZZTGt2bXkwTmlUbWZuampNR2ZDRmx4L0dtWHovbVF3dTdSd0E4SDBMN3RTckFLTWI0NzVpbFcxSEpXbDRlWXlMWFVXSGhLSEx3UHFQYVZYbHgvMjNIc21GN2hhTWxmbEZmMWYxUFBXYlAweGg1YytNOGJMNERvQitVWmhiaXJwQTJPVEIvdytHdjN2V0Z4ZmNXWHovdVRRQ2ZteEtONDlVYnI%3D/PHYLLIS+DILLER+FUNNY+QUOTES/(140bb80f24f882ba934ae3d600121eed).jpg)
“I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.” NEW DATE QUOTES
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRZFJVZGZTUnM1V3JEalRPb2dzbE0wOGhTeEFFRmdqK3BoV0NneG4vQlF0MUQyRjBaa0k0TVhZaTQxOHh2V2p6a3BQOEx6c3BBUzRvZngxTUhSckM2Zytqb2VEZU9wUHJxR0xKMW5DU2R6N3ZIYThuekczWVpTaHdQK2JQZ1ZLZGRtNkVQNHIreHF4aWtvQThwbmVrenBWNjVUU3gvNS9PTnErWGxmNGhmTmUxUT09/PHYLLIS+DILLER+FUNNY+QUOTES/(fc843c4255feb51c5d247733d4dedca2).jpg)
“I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband—How about ‘short’ and ‘cheap’?”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrYkNWNXFST2JYUXY1WDRGalRmYVhLK0Zrbkd0VTMxZ3BFQkdad1ZBZUxwRVJFVXo4MnVuNTVkTG5QaURkaXJmU3JKY0pBclZUalNrUFNaTWJqRllDTTZWbVFEMHJFQVVqU2hvakxtNkRId2UvZC9XOVo3ZkVSZUZVdThwam56V2dRPT0%3D/PHYLLIS+DILLER+FUNNY+QUOTES/(811893e741f3078e36ee82912cb05c3f).jpg)
“You know you’re getting old when your walker has an airbag.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrUTlvRG1BbkZzYWZPRmVpOWlyakkyTFV5bUswYmI5QXpmalNlOHR3WkRIU1ZVWFZKTVJrUzFIcEJYeXBSMHNFaTlET1pOTHAwdHFrNlhjZDF6NzAxYklJczhlbXpVVFA0WThKdGZxV0VmL3l1SEhyYmlXMkpabmRpTkNNekwzaXQ5UVR3T0FiVGlUY09IdmZzTnc4eHJGMm5wcHd2eEhBYTFhMGxQV1drL2xwOG1XbUUyQ29ic0dLYlFYSjRRcStCUFUxbm83Z0diVFBmSWsxSHVpNit0aURZWHRrbnBHS0ZRTkxQWWJMcWRzdQ%3D%3D/PHYLLIS+DILLER+FUNNY+QUOTES/(45fa796aeb9f4d48a4b7807e234dc521).jpg)
“We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVEtyZTBEZ0dlbERFLy9jbDJqSUdwWDRvODVnSXpwdE8zSHVwMXRnV0dHWTBmekFlVzBub0lZMFF1TTAxTVVla2w2ZytEckg2WWlmWmw2MnBkK0kwUm0rb3RhaTIwVS9xVTlPMVk2Nm4vRTVaZFc4S3hPQitEK3dNZXBQTzhPQ2lsZWdQRVhEY1NSRDBrbjRmZE56V1FBPQ%3D%3D/PHYLLIS+DILLER+FUNNY+QUOTES/(2e698a34ab08f51ec5c80f8801f61c2a).jpg)
“My cooking is so bad, my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrU0x4OVRrbjV4QVFVZndZT3N0alMyaGhGUGRxaEMzOFMxeU9PendVNituV3kvOEtoTUZmVEMxc21QdmxDbUZZVHdzQ0g3NHdPZWQxclBBZ2w5ZmNNcHhGcTJCM0xFSll3V3MvZTNVNHBqK1lRdUc5Y0N1VS92UThQdmQzOTVNbExnPT0%3D/PHYLLIS+DILLER+FUNNY+QUOTES/(ff58be5e557187adaca0f627bdca7094).jpg)
“I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVVdFQkZuNzVNZzJZY3J2TnAwc2Q4alJhampraGRvRGRYUW5hamY2YlVWRktvQndlQkVWSE45aFBvZERWSllGaERoVW1IN3RsRjZ0d04rNGtzaVpjVndDYS9kZkk5RXBHZzlOMFJ3dXRrck1GS21jU2o4TFUzeEhKYlJsZHB4Y0c2L0dScFozcnBPaHJZck8yOGloY3hZcXk4QjBlWjRWMnhoWGlrRFk3b0tUbFAyYnFBS3hJTzZ4SjRzOXNpNzJ2QT09/PHYLLIS+DILLER+FUNNY+QUOTES/(94fdb6892617d856842ac589b772d208).jpg)
“I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb. And I also know that I’m not blonde.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVzQ0UTNsWFhYL1MrWElYMExXdzZ5eDg1TGNEeVJDRHZFT3JZU0ZmaWRseHE4QjVsVSt6cnd5VCtLT1NQMmdQcXZTWkp2UTBvQkg3VWpYV0NzUDd4c2M9/PHYLLIS+DILLER+FUNNY+QUOTES/(5db55043ee5a39cd4656331386bb2ea7).jpg)
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrY1NVQ1JxRkdEM3BObGhYTVB0ZHZNM2FycEVoeithekU3UTJDT3JQMnlKY2MrS2lIQTZSTlJpNmJ3c2M4ZXU0SEk0bis0TmxJS0JhNGFWcEk2N3owTDdtdkpmWElRSjY0VXAyYkcwajJYMEg%3D/PHYLLIS+DILLER+FUNNY+QUOTES/(4dbb18999d9340afbcb7b38c99a6900b).jpg)
“I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRZXVodTAzS2o4Q1Rnck9paUo1bHdhODNPMnY2dlgvZGhwWFUvN3NVeXJjbkVQRCtZUE1PdjFqRy80bEdRd1BEd1lnMlF0VDlpamEzeCtXWkgycDA3SWZUWitlQWE3Qmg3bXAxSkYxRk43Y1VYRG10cEtTOHVVK2w1Rmx6eDlFUVZ6WmJCam5kMCs3R0lBQmdselpNTzMydkMyWUhJcitvMHZiaGN2cXVUNFJwUT09/PHYLLIS+DILLER+FUNNY+QUOTES/(6c9eb2abacb14b28c089a68600f887fc).jpg)
“I’m the only person I know that’s lost a quarter of a million dollars without getting any pleasure out of it.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRY1hDRExaTEpPKzk5RW9ybU82Sno5Y1J5NkJDcHhrKzNjNGd4WTVkQ2lSdDFUUUJVM2IxTFNnODY1RUF0Y0VCTmdhVzY0Wlp6cWxnRkZzRVoyeWRoTkE2TjdvUkZoWnhUNDNJNS91ZEs1L0Z1MHdJM0U4dFB0S0w4a3l3bG9SL2tJPQ%3D%3D/PHYLLIS+DILLER+FUNNY+QUOTES/(a39f838469ef14bffa3c99482c861ec2).jpg)
“I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrYXBFOGl1SlhVS0Q4RVI1TjMxcmhFbzh1R0tPQzd5ZFBWbHhpencvRjE0UkhGajZTcmt6U280RENlRnhtcWxERlJyaHU2YUdhcnhZMFcrQXBLZ1d1L2d5M3BhS0w1L0lROHdPdVFmNDRPRTJndFk4SU5TdlErL21xNnQxT2JQUWxESm9qQVl3UWlPUFV2OEl0TUlqM2Z5YVl6dFVoM04wa05zR2F6Q21UbUF1LzRTMmJqeW5WbG9UUk5UT3l3LzJzUT09/PHYLLIS+DILLER+FUNNY+QUOTES/(30aa0210844a4cb23fd789530020046c).jpg)
“I was on a constant diet for twenty years. I lost 800 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrYk1kTm04RkFETmg1dTR0VGgrUHpyemNHZU1JdFdvazhUaGxtZzdjcHE5ck9lOHk2RGlsWGFQNzluNFRvY29VVGcvSjVxaFpidnFlRy91L0NKWVRxazZqTUo0RkVJSG1lUnZybC9JNEVYdlNZVkJOUHREcDRYYUVKZFJhZlBGVTdBPT0%3D/PHYLLIS+DILLER+FUNNY+QUOTES/(d9738bb1f25991f71d942f9b2a6b9ee7).jpg)
“There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrYkNWNXFST2JYUXY1WDRGalRmYVhLOHFacSsyOVNqWUdnT2lVK2FYV2hMUXhONkFDdHFrM2dGWXpiNlZoNDYvWDlxSUFYcWVKZkZNcE9iR3NqRkdYbG1CekZZMUFlNlpIeFhHdmVJVDVQVTMyTkUxYlFEaldKbHhzNXB6MFlyUGhlSjlCSGdGblBjY0pESFNxTnlRSE9rUlo4QmxJRXAwaEx2YzhpaVo0azd3/PHYLLIS+DILLER+FUNNY+QUOTES/(4265171969763b8d250490229dbf28d3).jpg)
“You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrY3NWMXU0dDVaMGgycDJsY3lhUWxGUUU0M1BXL3NjS0E2cUg0V0N3US9qVEppd2hIQWdFVWx2Y3hBanI2QTJGa2tSVXpKN0E5K2JHbkh2RUJONUVEV3Z3S2ZSbHUzRStpakhHbXJkdmtzTEhkMndxNGZkZjNhZTM3a1I2TTB1ckhGV0JwVktqQ3laQlB3OUxIcTc0OUE0Yi94bjVMN2R0N2xGTyt0cGpFNU1i/PHYLLIS+DILLER+FUNNY+QUOTES/(8e1efcec41c8daab89d473ce8018fc09).jpg)
“I have to be honest with you. When you’re working with Cher, you don’t get any sleep. She’s a nightmare.”