PHYLLIS DILLER FUNNY QUOTES

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”

“I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.”

“I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.”

“I buried my husband under our favorite tree… At least I can visit him twice a day now.”

“I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'”

“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?”

“The only thing domestic about me is I live indoors.”

“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”

“I’m the only woman who can take a leopard-print raincoat and make it look like a bathrobe.”

“I once traded my husband for a housekeeper. It was a good deal, until she refused to do windows.”

“A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”

“I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up… they have no holidays.”

“I never made ‘Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in ‘What’s That?'”

“I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.”

“I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.” QUOTES ABOUT THEY SAY LOVE IS BLIND

“I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband—How about ‘short’ and ‘cheap’?”

“You know you’re getting old when your walker has an airbag.”

“We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”

“My cooking is so bad, my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.”

“I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.”

“I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb. And I also know that I’m not blonde.”

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”

“I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.”

“I’m the only person I know that’s lost a quarter of a million dollars without getting any pleasure out of it.”

“I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.”

“I was on a constant diet for twenty years. I lost 800 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.”

“There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.”

“You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.”

“I have to be honest with you. When you’re working with Cher, you don’t get any sleep. She’s a nightmare.”