“The only thing I love more than Fridays is pretending to work on Fridays.”

“Coffee: the fuel that powers the productivity of the modern workplace.”

“I am silently correcting your grammar in my head while smiling at your funny joke.”

“Weekend forecast: Office WiFi will be slow with a 90% chance of procrastination.”

“Work tip: Stand up, stretch, take a walk to the door… and come back to your desk to continue contemplating life choices.”

“I’m not a morning person or an evening person. I’m a ‘get me out of this place’ person.”

“I’m not saying I hate Mondays, but whoever invented them should be stabbed with a fork.”

“I can’t come to work today. The voices in my head told me to stay home and clean the guns.”

“Of course, I can multitask. I can count how many Facebook notifications pop up while pretending to listen in a meeting.”

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”

“Teamwork is important, so we can blame someone else when things go wrong.”

“If at first, you don’t succeed, blame somebody else and seek a reasonable refund.”

“I don’t have a 9 to 5 job; I have a ‘when I open my eyes to when I close them’ job.”

“I always give 100% at work: 13% Monday, 22% Tuesday, 26% Wednesday, 35% Thursday, and 4% Friday.”

“The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.”

“I don’t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without caffeine!” BEST QUOTES ABOUT POLITICAL POWER

“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”

“Remember, if you’re not really sure what you’re doing, act like you are and no one will notice.”

“Being productive is overrated. It’s more fun to stare at the computer screen and let your mind wander.”

“Sometimes the best solution to a problem is to sleep on it. Or take a nap.”

“My decision-making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel crossing the road.”

“A clean desk is the sign of a cluttered mind. And boy, do I have a brilliant mind!”

“I was going to be productive today, but then my Netflix suggested another episode.”

“If you think I’m crazy now, wait until you see me without my morning coffee.”

“Who needs stress balls when you have co-workers?”

“I told my boss I needed a raise because of inflation. Apparently, that’s not how it works…”

“A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.”

“The key to success is to start before you’re ready, then panic and hope for the best.”

“I’m not late. I’m just chronologically challenged.”

“Dear brain, please start generating ideas before I punch you in the face. Sincerely, your owner.”