“I’m not clumsy, I’m just on a mission to test gravity.”

“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes, but she hugged me instead.”

“I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.”

“I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He replied, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t make it on Tuesdays.'”

“It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.”

“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.”

“The shortest horror story: Monday.”

“My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.”

“I cleaned my room today, well actually, I just put everything in my closet. But still—progress!”

“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”

“I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.”

“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing someone else: Saturday and Sunday.”

“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case there’s cheesecake.”

“I put my phone on airplane mode, but it’s not flying!” SELF CONFIDENCE QUOTES FOR WOMEN

“Dear life, when I said ‘can my day get any worse?’ it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.”

“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”

“I’m in shape. Unfortunately, that shape is a potato.”

“I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.”

“My house is not messy, it is an obstacle course designed to keep me fit.”

“I tried to lose weight once, but it kept finding me.”

“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes; she gave me a hug.”

“I asked the doctor for some diet advice. He said, ‘The best diet is to have a little taste of everything.’”

“Dogs have masters, cats have staff.”

“I thought I wanted a career, but it turns out I just wanted a paycheck.”

“I am not lazy. I am on energy-saving mode.”

“Love is sharing your popcorn.”