RODNEY DANGERFIELD QUOTES ABOUT LIFE

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”

“My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.”

“I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor told me I should start taking a little with my breakfast. So now I have cereal and a beer.”

“I told my wife she should be more adventurous. She said, ‘Okay, go ahead, try sleeping with a younger woman.'”

“I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.”

“My wife told me I need to find my inner child. So, I’ve been searching for it ever since, with no luck. Turns out, I was born an old man.”

“I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She told me she wanted to be buried at sea. I said, ‘Okay, you win, we’ll go fishing.'”

“I told my wife she looks sexy with her glasses on. She said, ‘I’m not wearing glasses.’ I said, ‘No wonder you look so good!'”

“My wife can’t cook at all. I asked her to make me a salad, and she put the lettuce in the toaster.”

“I asked my wife if she ever cheated on me. She replied, ‘Who told you? The gardener? The mailman?'”

“My wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from a hotel room.”

“When I was born, I was so surprised, I didn’t talk for a whole year.” MISS U MOM IN HEAVEN SHORT QUOTES

“My wife told me she wants to have dinner in the dark. I said, ‘Why? Are you afraid someone will see you with me?'”

“I told my wife I wanted to be a comedian. She said, ‘But you’re not funny.’ I said, ‘Neither are most comedians.'”

“My wife told me she wants to be treated like a princess. So, I put her in a tower and surrounded her with dragons.”

“I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in three seconds.’ So, I bought her a weighing scale.”

“I’m not a sexy guy. I went to a hookup app and swiped left on everyone. The app crashed.”

“My wife and I decided to have separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in New York.”

“My wife told me she wants to make love in the backseat of the car. I said, ‘I don’t think it will fit.'”

“My wife said she wanted a divorce because I’m too insecure. No wait, she said she wants a horse. My bad.”

“I asked my wife if she believed in ghosts. She replied, ‘Not until I married you.'”

“My wife told me she wants to try a threesome. So, I called two of my closest friends. They didn’t pick up.”

“When my wife catches me staring at other women, she gets mad. Does she really think I’m in the market for a new wife?”

“I told my wife I wanted to be a millionaire. She said, ‘Great, start acting like one.’ So, I ignored her and continued watching TV.”