![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVlhZUVB3akFldnJmUThkSnA1RnRncWpNQ2lPakhXcVYzdHNlakFXK3FkZnU1RDhxRjFwcXdyT2pHOXMrTnZReHVKMUFYUmFXdzJ4b0Z2NWFVckxLeVU9/RON+SWANSON+FUNNY+QUOTES/(6cafa49734f7bef9cbc870c4cc1e0b24).jpg)
“Give me all the bacon and eggs you have.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrV2hsMXBOMkJLOFdoQ2JkbzgxbnA5STVUSkJMQWFNdXNzWlVIZ3hWZzl5bys4RzZ4RDNiUnFCUHU5ZXdnTS9GWFpyRjF4RXZOWHFMV3dmdEZwaEJteVlPNHJBSzcveVZxV1VQdmYwd3dyWVJOYTBXQ1NhQ2xJNXY4NzNhRGQxQ3Z3PT0%3D/RON+SWANSON+FUNNY+QUOTES/(1420509e5970ad44cd6601e786463450).jpg)
“Fish, for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrWnJGd3RHSTdrV0w2THhTSUFBZjlkNFJyT1R4OE1IK3grWmIzdi9OdnVaQkFKN1kreEhIT1RIM0I3RURRN2tKbEhqbzU3a2hldGRwa0pDaVNSOGRaZXVBMkV3c2tiRS9ac1RlSUxBMUFVSndFRGZRU08zeStHNU53NmlmRER6bHEvYk5KaFdCL1V4N1pvTDU5Q3EwQmhaZTlCV2VIU1ptUTEwVmhBMk8zR2VI/RON+SWANSON+FUNNY+QUOTES/(cdcfc075966e36caedf15140af6d2275).jpg)
“There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZHRmSmp0Q2ZWUnZGOUpMeTZGRzBRY1FtV1k0TGp5Y3IydUd0T2h2QldKWkpOLzZCSnlMSEVubEhrV1k5S2x2WUFicTJOU1F2b0Q4QVFGdlpkS2h3NG56eElzVTZrdW9heVVzakxWQWVXUTBRMnFYYUYxK3hEdWF0aTNIaTE4eHp3PT0%3D/RON+SWANSON+FUNNY+QUOTES/(f3f9e72bbd05b95ec222fc126c5aeb04).jpg)
“I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrYXYwaFgwZ2FTdCs3Z3VLckZ2WlMxUnFVNk9iMGlGOFlFMUhkSm1ZZ1dXTm5kVHJWbzhKZFVvdjZ3eVdNcEUxU0lQTHJaWlF5UkNYejQvQ1pGdXI2YVVkSi9STTVqQm9wdEZROUYzMEZxcVRCQkgwK0NxVWp2SHN1Z1ZLY3JBME1tZndqZ3Y1d3p0K0svMXhraWplY0g5ZjVPU2ZiVEI3aEM1eVN0ZHFFOTJkeHVzNzB3aE51b2NXSVlMWklza2hadz09/RON+SWANSON+FUNNY+QUOTES/(9760c0cf177104f4be24fe3dfbbebbe8).jpg)
“When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrV3JZMTFqbEtKUDdhTHZoV1poc3c5SEVwZTI0L0c5QXp6Sm1tYlJzYkF5ald2VFkyNGd1T3dSVjc0ZkNHVTErclNZSUFhN0sra05XWjdTbHBTZTMwUzZTcGhoTlhNNjF3VVJZQW5IWW1YTVI%3D/RON+SWANSON+FUNNY+QUOTES/(f592cfe487508dc864072137096ce9e9).jpg)
“Crying is acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrUSt1VU1sTERqZjRRcHVpQW12VVRXWXpGU0V5OHBwVnp0bncwRG10UHJBNmRsKzFNdGsxNjRMS09Uc0c2TWhCM2w2M3BlRDRkTWdpcFRFOUlMS2xRaUJhSVBiYkVXbFRWV2pZZ3MrS2JmdkdCV0FFRHlWMUQxWkFIMkVEb29nZ2oyVlM4SW43dHY3RzlmRUx4eFRXZGNjPQ%3D%3D/RON+SWANSON+FUNNY+QUOTES/(484b017e748bf9c1167e2120bc9fdfed).jpg)
“If any of you need anything at all, too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVlBlTXFNZTZjUFFXYlN1VlFNVFRZUVhLeno4L0pqd2dsUDNqWnZsRzdyY2RHYlR5NTNkTWJ2RW1TS2xzcXZZYVljN1VUVWp2aG90QlM5cG05bVBwdzA9/RON+SWANSON+FUNNY+QUOTES/(5d0a7384aeecbf9ada3e6d5dd02ac43c).jpg)
“Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrY1ErNldUQm00dE94Q25FcytNc2UvRUFFaXFEYXN1SkY4RzloLzBkRlYyRjdGTExZcUxkdU5kcHlPV1FzMi9rd2kvcDVENWo3bGQvanBQVEFScWVTZE9oTWhkNGZncFE3aXdsaDFadHdzMWp4L0dtN2lqTDVud0N3QVNtdnBla0N3PT0%3D/RON+SWANSON+FUNNY+QUOTES/(403ce9e59a682d4761ae19958f53c92c).jpg)
“Don’t be a thick person, throw a thick person on the grill.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrWndJYnJxbU5Pd0ZScnRlM2szZStVSmxYdVNhMktjamdGV0JWSCtpSWk3SzZMOGpwbFFCQ2k5SVVOY0FLeG9lSm4rV21oK29ERWRab0F1MmFTbjcvd21tZWZHVWFFZXNyZVlNMm5hb1ZudllWcGRpWWVaTEJkUnlURVpkNHV6YVVlSlYwaEI2ZGFjNkFob1FqQUJlZXRTV0pmK3B2dytzNU5PTnJwVDJYWE1Z/RON+SWANSON+FUNNY+QUOTES/(8ca7ba554bb50e0220c0a8329cef141d).jpg)
“I’d wish you the best of luck, but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrWnJGd3RHSTdrV0w2THhTSUFBZjlkNFJyT1R4OE1IK3grWmIzdi9OdnVaQkFKN1kreEhIT1RIM0I3RURRN2tKbEhqbzU3a2hldGRwa0pDaVNSOGRaZXVBMkV3c2tiRS9ac1RlSUxBMUFVSndFRGZRU08zeStHNU53NmlmRER6bHEvYk5KaFdCL1V4N1pvTDU5Q3EwQmhaZTlCV2VIU1ptUTEwVmhBMk8zR2VI/RON+SWANSON+FUNNY+QUOTES/(cdcfc075966e36caedf15140af6d2275).jpg)
“There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrWDRkelpFVURTV2FXRk1UMk9vbzlmMTNEbnUxa3N1cmFpTy9SYzloQWdBbnVVNmtSU3BIUDdJNStiRnJpR28xNERsbHpoSzNFbitIZzh6T2RtUzF1NG9TUXJLMndSTGs1eU1qQjl0MHo2S3hMeVRxQ2dHWjZoK1dqN1lkcmJKYUJmYVJEZEQ2V3FvSU5RUzdYbVVVSE9zcHlNWEs0NlVuZ2dHNTl0bVBPWS9teXhuTHN3WWxPVkJ4NXpla0M4dldCRHFXUTV3SU9HcFhsK0J3K3BSZ2Q3ZXFGSTQ2N2k4eldONTN1cElnMkdiaU9vYWVwVWNVbGNVWEJTQ0x1S2tHYWxUdGdPc2VrS0pXN1RRTldiOG1TekdlUFdtTVIvTHJVMk1QcHQrSk9sYUk%3D/RON+SWANSON+FUNNY+QUOTES/(6e397160b7c8e4ad7bfabff075259119).jpg)
“The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrWlRTd3FRN2xqd1hiU2ptR3dlT3RtNDZOQUwzNTVDdHBRYjlFalVGaDRFcGJyaUVRZ05peEhvc2VjRFhaOUFDbzUyMWw0dFQ0cWdSQ0V4WFpuZXVpRUpiR2o5dDVIdk5zL2ZicEFFd2d0RUk%3D/RON+SWANSON+FUNNY+QUOTES/(cdfc489f195f06ea993e2a07df837e8f).jpg)
“Cultivating a manly musk puts opponents on notice.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrUklIMnBqL2JpNFVqc0dRNFd0cWwxT1BqRldGZEhpYW9TeHg4UTJ3b21WZ0p3MDRMdm0xRUZwN2hsVzdLWHV5czdFNzQ5dVhzeW56QU4zSzN1dVZ1QnY1bit0bGhORVBoSHVUbkZBT2JLU3Nyd1NUNVN6VlhYbkUvY0xIZjhWalM0TGcvMFhFRm5lRXZERlo5WGRNWTNVPQ%3D%3D/RON+SWANSON+FUNNY+QUOTES/(ec899720c58da6437bb8c2432e365bd6).jpg)
“If I had a son, his name would be… ooh… Spartacus.” INSPIRATIONAL LOVE QUOTES FOR HIM
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrYnZTYnZaeEFZYVBhWDhVZW41UWsxYTFVa2M1MkZWNDJmYXVCSzNUN1pkZWxIMFYvOVQzSWJ6Y2dBNW5mMzhHS2h5S0FmVitxN0FNQ0s3ditpSVpGVUE9/RON+SWANSON+FUNNY+QUOTES/(5c668f2680f6602801bb97abd6fac927).jpg)
“Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrYWw4MmIvWjd0QXBNRjFRSTAwZ1BFaUlONmRkTlE1WXFoS01FMzhZVzR2aHFPanhXOGdhTUVFYTRUSkhUNXVkV213MXNDNGxrK2VZS3pMQktHbW5VQ3ZvMHhTOU5aVlhUZ1k4YzBDV2VXQWV0bnhYQzFTR3Y0MGtIaFg4aCtyVkxNRjlsem9hMjJycGo3Sk53S1NTQXJGV1JpdWNYSVQ2T1lNeVJvZjZOSlBK/RON+SWANSON+FUNNY+QUOTES/(28779bbd09dcbae5f8b550af523b2deb).jpg)
“When I walked in this morning and saw those flags, I thought it was a good day to salute some real Americans.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrYVhxb0JRcVhTTFZiTGV0TDlxQUtkUTE1aTlDcVhKMVRnRVhKWUVqOE5xMGMreVlVanAzbDZLWFdIQjlieElrQk1hQXp2TmIrdkVuQ3NiTDl0VEhLelVNZnRReE94ZU9lVUtQdjJtdnE5cnRSd3p5RU1ON01FVXpySnZtaDFmOXNHSDFXb3c4NXRJbEhwNkl5VVFPNzdZPQ%3D%3D/RON+SWANSON+FUNNY+QUOTES/(0f5aeedcdbb1d1dd66cf87ee0f50cec8).jpg)
“Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrY1Y0R2RPUkZ6SzkwV3BXbDNOQ0RkWUVoK0FxMUhOOGRma1lDYzZtTlZyc3B0b2YwSWJjVVp3T28zMkpnK2VENFJCZm42QkZMUHh0THpobTBYZ2ptTjgvd1ErSnYyY3UrdUV4L2xEY2JzT3hkaXBoc3docUVmY08vYm1QY2ljMDdjVnRNMFlYNW9YdE9ua0hOMHJoVXR6U3g2ZHRTTnIrdi96NTlWYkhNaHFMSjJhS3ZTT01VeFowM2VabXJETzVjQT09/RON+SWANSON+FUNNY+QUOTES/(17f9dff79663febf8107e0f0fdb0f2bd).jpg)
“I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrZmZGUDlvTWZaRWVaY2NJZlArWC9TT3hXVEMrNldpOE00WWlyY1RTaWM1YVNzckVJUmVENjJWWkZDWmJZSEFmYnp1Q3BRMUp5bUpUYmxGL0ZsMkpCK1NWdGZkcE5kN25QNklJUzdNS1dzT3FCOEhiM2tvSldWcUJrQXBCdGFMR01nPT0%3D/RON+SWANSON+FUNNY+QUOTES/(6b45a6e7c384794866803d3de07a705a).jpg)
“The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrV2hzOHJIbUY0akRoSnVvSGd4ajIzMGN4Q284Mmw3aGxYOGY0TVNSdVVkTGVBVkhQc28yNkR6YmRKdW9tbmRrMTF0ZFkwTHhDWWE1WmY4V3gvMWUzb0ZxajlHQnFWN29rb281TnlyWFh6eTA3cXd4dDFKZFAxUkgrUVF1ZXlQMmp3PT0%3D/RON+SWANSON+FUNNY+QUOTES/(7e32ad245cfc8f0ec41e060f03161ac3).jpg)
“If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrV2tWUmpTOU1qdjRlNkRLTC8zcnJ3dTlZU1YxOTBQRzV6TXdycHhFb2tMeXAxc3ZoNTdiTVgrZ3IzTjFNUVRabkpxL2ZCUGZEdjlkdVp3RmFYdWZZcE9XUHY0TjcxNkpydnJNMmEwZWJQVE5Hd0VqZ05WU2IvSTdsbHdVVm5IcGN3PT0%3D/RON+SWANSON+FUNNY+QUOTES/(b58a8c05de1c9b037703171025b8454b).jpg)
“I prefer quality over flash. That’s why I refuse to hug you.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrUkYyZ0VnT29JTVNSVVU1dms2cWJSenU2TWE2cTc4MG92QTVrckZWNFdZSkRCRnJFeEdWUGpKZXQwMEZISU1QWDlvMTdUVzViTEV0R2ZIR3pRenRXS01kWXBhbUlvcTY2YlpwZWluQTF2UUg%3D/RON+SWANSON+FUNNY+QUOTES/(0f96902ea6a57a5d010ba9132705d1ce).jpg)
“Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVDlvSTR1ZG41ZzFuMVpGVStXN3R2ajRrMWJHdDV6Y2g5YWU0SVBrcHhyOGJNWHlyeVpES1hwZ29RUzB0RXkxMUFGbWF4R3dSZkNvMWhYS21GYjFkbzZETm55NllmaGZwbngrL1orc0hxVmlaU1VTZmYwM2VYdHNGQjFrODlRQ1dIYitXUm1xNTVBS1J5alZiR2hac2Q1cnlVakhiMitWVkV0MmdYRlBGa3Zu/RON+SWANSON+FUNNY+QUOTES/(4481f0b82530eb89a1eb17cd7757f66b).jpg)
“I don’t like loud noises and people making a fuss. That’s why I don’t like to leave my house.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrVDlvSTR1ZG41ZzFuMVpGVStXN3R2aC85cm5VbmZnQzNtdTcvTzhvdXpIRjl2cHRrMHp6SUgzcTN6N1pETzJiZHNtYUN5QnF2cHFzS0Q5SEZUWklZMGRGb2JTMXRBY005dUY5ZEdkU1pacVF1S3Z1RGg1ZjJmUkl3MTFQZ2FTeW56V1lMNUZucGxzRVJEaU1oRkJUQmwwWTZXOWpoZXhIcHMySVhrZ2QyRGVJOXcrU0xoUFRUcTJPRHlJcW91aXNMUT09/RON+SWANSON+FUNNY+QUOTES/(d6bd40d8c5238aec27d171fba8d82292).jpg)
“I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrY1ErNldUQm00dE94Q25FcytNc2UvRTZMSWhhZnlSM1RxRTNHVmtkYnVNeGdlZklkZUxFVWF5YlluNGQwVUt6ZlJRbVNEQ242aVcrU0FET0FqWWdtaWFmUTdBRW9Yd2tEbnJrRHBDRnhWYVFPZmNpSDVYMlZXMzBoYUg1UDE2TCtGWjZmVGNTSE9SSlVpMFM0Y1Bac0M5MG5JUzRkWUZzMHB2dWJwaXpvbSt0bERDYVl2bERSaENaR3JELy9UeWFFOEpjNnBFd0FQZ05IV2dqMEU0Z1d2eFFDZitPNkE2YlNJNysyaXNuRnNHOEFBWitzYlFkTEV2L1RVdlJxU2VBR0E9PQ%3D%3D/RON+SWANSON+FUNNY+QUOTES/(04ca6e8fa37a4228badc03594db674b7).jpg)
“Don’t teach kids to learn by rote memorization. Teach them to challenge authority and think independently. Everyone take out your redacted history textbooks.”
![](https://imi.abcradio.fm/quotes/preview/dTB4cGRsem5DcWlBMGVROWZJVXQrWXJYZ2MrVEZ5TnVEREZtRklZZTc1QTFSOHdxbzQ0eWgwVlRHcUFxS0ZISnRjOGFDUk9qSEMweU1JRjUrL2I1a1lKVGNjSzhEdE50NjFtdU9jZ0FDTUtDVnJMTklIKzNTOEZaaU9DcSt3SVNxOUNkMFRhZWJCd1ltZzFMSE9VMzdWSm9RRWhyWjF6Qy8yZ2pFajU1ay9lSXpkc1NERjk1NG95KzZJOUh3c1pqUnFPelBoZnRPellya2xlRFcrRWp2QT09/RON+SWANSON+FUNNY+QUOTES/(ec66b3de31f61f88e2f7e990f3f9e5cb).jpg)
“Literally everything is a lie, except the meat. Animals are born, they live, they eat, they mate, they die. That’s it.”