RON SWANSON FUNNY QUOTES

“Give me all the bacon and eggs you have.”

“Fish, for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.”

“There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.”

“I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.”

“When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.”

“Crying is acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.”

“If any of you need anything at all, too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults.”

“Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.”

“Don’t be a thick person, throw a thick person on the grill.”

“I’d wish you the best of luck, but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.”

“There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.”

“The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.”

“Cultivating a manly musk puts opponents on notice.”

“If I had a son, his name would be… ooh… Spartacus.” INSPIRATIONAL LOVE QUOTES FOR HIM

“Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.”

“When I walked in this morning and saw those flags, I thought it was a good day to salute some real Americans.”

“Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.”

“I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.”

“The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am.”

“If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party.”

“I prefer quality over flash. That’s why I refuse to hug you.”

“Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.”

“I don’t like loud noises and people making a fuss. That’s why I don’t like to leave my house.”

“I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.”

“Don’t teach kids to learn by rote memorization. Teach them to challenge authority and think independently. Everyone take out your redacted history textbooks.”

“Literally everything is a lie, except the meat. Animals are born, they live, they eat, they mate, they die. That’s it.”