“I have such a bad shopping addiction. It’s gotten to the point where my credit card company calls me just to check if it’s really me making all these purchases.”

“I am convinced that my dogs are plotting to take over the world. I mean, they’re so cute and innocent-looking, but behind those puppy eyes, there’s a master plan.”

“I tried knitting once, but my fingers got all tangled up. I ended up with a scarf that looked like it had been attacked by a pack of wild cats.”

“I can’t resist a good cheesy joke. They’re like my guilty pleasure. Well, one of them. I have many.”

“The only thing that scares me more than spiders is running out of coffee in the morning. That’s a true nightmare.”

“I’m convinced that my GPS has a personal vendetta against me. It always takes me through the longest, most confusing routes possible.”

“You know you’re getting old when you start groaning every time you bend down. I’m like a human creaky door these days.”

“I don’t understand people who don’t like dessert. It’s like saying you don’t believe in happiness.”

“I once attempted to be a morning person. It didn’t go well. I made it through the first day, but by day two, I was back to hitting the snooze button.”

“My love for pizza is greater than my love for most humans. And that’s saying something.”

“I swear I have a black belt in tripping over invisible objects. I should go on America’s Funniest Home Videos, I’d win every time.”

“I firmly believe that laughter is the best medicine, closely followed by chocolate. It’s a close tie, really.”

“I have a terrible habit of talking to myself. It’s not because I’m crazy, I just appreciate intelligent conversation.”

“I always have that moment of panic when someone asks me to name my favorite song. It’s like trying to choose a favorite child.” GOOD SHAKESPEARE QUOTES

“I’ve made a resolution to go to the gym more often. So far, I’ve managed to walk past it every day, which is a start.”

“I have a PhD in procrastination. I’m currently putting off finishing my dissertation on the art of productive procrastination.”

“I’ve come to accept the fact that I will never be a morning person. If you need me before 10 am, it better be for something life or death.”

“My cooking skills are so bad that I once burned a salad. Yes, you heard that right, a salad.”

“Life is too short to wear uncomfortable shoes. I’d rather have happy feet than fashionable ones.”

“I once tried to DIY a Pinterest project and ended up with a glue gun permanently attached to my hand. It wasn’t pretty.”

“I firmly believe that the best movies are the ones that make you snort your drink out of your nose from laughing too hard.”

“I can’t be trusted with plants. They see me coming and immediately start wilting, it’s like they know what’s coming.”

“I have a love-hate relationship with technology. It’s amazing when it works, but when it doesn’t, I suddenly feel like I’m living in the Stone Age.”

“I’ve perfected the art of giving great advice that I rarely follow myself. It’s a talent, really.”

“I have a mug collection that can rival any museum. It’s my way of ensuring I have a morning smile, no matter how grumpy I may be.”

“Some days, I feel like I should come with a warning label: ‘Approach with caution, heavy sarcasm may be present’.”