“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… She gave me a hug.” – Unknown
“I’m not clumsy, I’m just on a mission to test gravity.” – Unknown
“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” – Steven Wright
“Age is of no importance, unless you are a cheese.” – Billie Burke
“My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry.” – Unknown
“I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.” – Unknown
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” – Charles Lamb
“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire
“Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own? Because it’s two-tired!” – Unknown
“The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.” – Unknown
“Inside me, there’s a skinny person screaming to get out. But I can usually shut the b*tch up with cookies.” – Unknown
“I walked past a baked potato restaurant the other day… It was a-peeling.” – Unknown
“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… She hugged me then.” – Unknown
“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” – Steve Carell INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES FOR GRANDMA
“I’m not saying I’m Batman. I’m just saying no one has ever seen me and Batman in the same room…” – Unknown
“I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He replied, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t make it on Tuesdays.'” – Unknown
“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… She threw her arms around me.” – Unknown
“Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!” – Unknown
“My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.” – Unknown
“I named my dog ‘Five Miles’ so I can say I walk Five Miles every day.” – Unknown
“I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop p*ssing me off!” – Unknown
“If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door.” – Unknown
“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… So she gave me a bear hug.” – Unknown
“I’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.” – Lewis Carroll
“I asked the librarian if she had any books on paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re behind you…'” – Unknown
“If you can’t convince them, confuse them.” – Harry S. Truman
“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… She gave me the cold shoulder.” – Unknown