SHORT DARK HUMOUR QUOTES

“My therapist says I have a dark sense of humor. I guess he’s just trying to lighten the mood.”

“I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.'”

“I used to be a baker. I couldn’t handle the pressure, so I crumbled under it.”

“I’m not saying I hate people, but if there was a delete button for some folks, I’d definitely use it without hesitation.”

“Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.”

“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye and see how much better life starts to taste.”

“I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn’t talking to me.”

“My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.”

“The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.”

“I took a day off from work yesterday, and my boss asked me if I could give it two more tries.”

“They say laughter is the best medicine. That’s probably why some people die laughing at their own jokes.”

“I’m like a Rubik’s Cube: the more you mess with me, the harder I get.”

“I’m so bad at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.” QUOTE ABOUT LESSONS LEARNED

“My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, I had to take his bike away.”

“I don’t need anger management; I just need people to stop annoying me.”

“I’m not shy, I’m just very good at figuring out who’s worth talking to.”

“I got a new job at a bakery, but I don’t knead the dough.”

“My girlfriend told me I need to be more affectionate. So now I have two girlfriends.”

“You never realize how long a minute is until you’re exercising.”

“I finally got my dream job. I still have to wake up though.”

“Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.”

“If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.”

“I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.”

“I’m not afraid of commitment, I just don’t want to commit to anything.”