SPARE BOOK FUNNY QUOTES

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin

“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen

“I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.” – Anonymous

“I’m not clumsy. It’s just the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.” – Anonymous

“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” – Dalai Lama

“I can resist everything except temptation.” – Oscar Wilde

“The best thing about me is that I’m a limited edition. There are no other copies!” – Anonymous

“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.” – Anonymous

“I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.” – Anonymous

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them laugh.” – Maya Angelou

“I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals, I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – A. Whitney Brown

“I’m not saying I’m Batman, I’m just saying no one has ever seen me and Batman in the same room together.” – Anonymous

“I don’t have a beer belly, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.” – Anonymous

“If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then find someone whose life has given them vodka and have a party!” – Ron White

“I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.” – Anonymous

“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.” – Mallory Hopkins INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES ABOUT SOMEONE SPECIAL

“I’m not overweight, I’m undertall.” – Anonymous

“I live in constant fear of accidentally mentioning something I only know about you because I’ve stalked you on the internet.” – Anonymous

“I don’t run from my problems. I sit on my couch, play video games, and ignore them like an adult.” – Anonymous

“I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.” – Anonymous

“I put the ‘pro’ in procrastination.” – Anonymous

“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.” – Douglas Adams

“My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.” – Anonymous

“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” – Anonymous

“The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.” – Erma Bombeck

“I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.” – Joan Rivers

“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So, I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Emo Philips

“I don’t mind going nowhere as long as it’s an interesting path.” – Ron Swanson

“They say ‘don’t try this at home’ so I’m coming over to your house to try it.” – Anonymous

“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” – Demetri Martin