SPIKE FUNNY QUOTES

“I’m not lazy. I’m on energy-saving mode.”

“I’m not clumsy. The floor just hates me. The table and chairs are bullies too.”

“Some people need a high-five, in the face, with a chair.”

“I finally realized that someone took my childhood. I didn’t misplace it – someone snatched it away.”

“I’m not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.”

“My brain has too many tabs open.”

“I’ve tried exercise, but I find that I’m allergic to sweating and physical activity in general.”

“I don’t have a dirty mind. I have a sexy imagination.”

“I am not absent-minded. It’s just that my mind is constantly vacationing in Hawaii.”

“I’m not sarcastic. I’m just fluent in speaking irony.”

“I’m not short. I’m fun-sized.” QUOTES ABOUT THE FIRE IN LORD OF THE FLIES

“I’m not broke. I’m just on a budget called ‘I want to eat and pay my electricity bill’.”

“I don’t snore. I dream I’m a motorcycle.”

“I don’t need anger management. People just need to stop ticking me off.”

“I pretend to work, and they pretend to pay me.”

“I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.”

“I don’t need Google. My wife knows everything.”

“If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.”

“I don’t have an attitude problem, I have a personality disord- oh, wait, never mind. I just have an attitude.”

“I don’t hold grudges. I remember facts.”