“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.”

“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”

“It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.”

“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.”

“I’m so bad at cooking, my wife makes Thanksgiving dinner for our family and the fire department comes to put out the oven.”

“My wife and I have a perfect understanding – I don’t try to understand her, and she doesn’t try to understand me.”

“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…she hugged me.”

“I have the body of an eighteen-year-old. I keep it in the fridge.”

“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”

“It’s a wonderful day for stomping in puddles… puddles of vomit.”

“Why do you want to be a millionaire? I just want to have enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.”

“I’m a vegetarian, except for when I’m hungry.”

“I don’t mind dying. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” BEAUTIFUL BLESSED QUOTES

“I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”

“Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn’t try it on.”

“I’ve got a great ambition to die of exhaustion rather than boredom.”

“If at first, you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”

“How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.”

“I told my psychiatrist I keep hearing voices in my head, he said that is normal, you just have to ignore them, I ignored him.”

“A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.”

“I don’t believe in ghosts, but I do believe in you.”

“I’m a hero with coward’s legs.”

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.”

“I’m just a cosmic yob, I suppose.”