“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Emo Philips
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey
“I intend to live forever, or die trying.” – Groucho Marx
“I never said half the things I said.” – Yogi Berra
“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire
“I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals, I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – A. Whitney Brown
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far, I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” – Dave Barry
“I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.” – Robin Williams
“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” – Demetri Martin
“I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.” – Unknown
“I can resist everything except temptation.” – Oscar Wilde
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.” – Steven Wright
“The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.” – Martin Mull
“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” – Michael Scott, The Office QUOTES ABOUT TIME IN A RELATIONSHIP
“I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.” – Unknown
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” – Fred Allen
“Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they happen to be poisonous.” – Paulo Coelho
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?” – Scott Adams
“The secret to a successful marriage is a sense of humor, because if you can’t laugh at each other, you’ll end up arguing about who left the toilet seat up.” – Unknown
“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen
“If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” – Steven Wright
“Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.” – Golda Meir
“I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.” – Elayne Boosler
“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.” – Unknown
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.” – Mark Twain
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin