“I’m stranded on Mars. I have no way to communicate with Hermes or Earth. Everyone thinks I’m dead. I’m in a Hab designed to last thirty-one days. If the oxygenator breaks down, I’ll suffocate. If the water reclaimer breaks down, I’ll die of thirst. If the Hab breaches, I’ll just kind of explode. If none of those things happen, I’ll eventually run out of food and starve to death. So yeah. I’m fucked.”

“The laws of physics are such that when a dumbass does something that kills him, it’s called ‘suicide.'”

“I’ve got a jar of French press coffee, I’m alive, and I don’t need to navigate to Jupiter with a sextant. I call that a win.”

“Actually, I was the very lowest ranked member of the crew. I would only be ‘in command’ if I were the only remaining person. What do you know? I’m in command.”

“Every human being has a basic instinct to help each other out. It might not seem that way sometimes, but it’s true.”

“You solve one problem, and you solve the next one, and then the next. And If you solve enough problems, you get to come home.”

“The tears streamed down my face. I cried because I knew I’d never go home. I cried because I didn’t want to die. And I cried because I’d never see my crewmates again. But most of all, I cried because I was happy. I was completely, utterly happy.”

“But really, what’s the worst thing that could happen? I’d die? Well, that happens all the time. I used to work on a mining ship, the scoopers, were, well, let’s just say ‘unrigorously maintained.'”

“They say once you grow crops somewhere, you have officially ‘colonized’ it. So technically, I colonized Mars. In your face, Neil Armstrong!”

“You must be famous on Earth, being the first person to grow crops on Mars. Everyone back home must be really impressed with you. All those famous people you know… they’re like ‘Oh, you know Watney? Cool!’”

“I busted ass in school for years to eat shit on Mars.”

“The airlock is derpressurizing,” Lewis said. POINTLESS QUOTES FUNNY

“So’s my bowels,” Martinez groaned.

“The way forward is always the same. Find the next problem, solve it, repeat.”

“I’m not risking your lives. I just didn’t want to go another second without realizing Johnson did the martian version of a happy dance.”

“Here’s the cool part: I will not die. It’s hard to be sure with all this radiation, but I have no reason to believe I’ll die. It’s hard to be sure with all this radiation, but I have no reason to believe I’ll die.”

“He’s stranded alone on a lifeless planet, no way to communicate with Earth. He doesn’t even have enough food to last until the rescue ship arrives. He doesn’t know it yet, but Watney is in an almost impossible situation.”

“Logically, I know that she’s just an object. But it’s giving me a sense of I am not alone that I didn’t have before.”

“But that’s enough astronaut humor for now. Seriously, though: Engineers rule.”

“I can’t wait till I have grandchildren. When I was younger, I had to walk to the rim of a crater. Uphill! In an EVA suit! On Mars, ya little shit! Ya hear me? Mars!”

“You were eyeing her the whole time. Couldn’t take your eyes off her. Why? You don’t even know her.”

“I was a space pirate!”

“Yes, of course, duct tape works in a near-vacuum. Duct tape works anywhere. Duct tape is magic and should be worshipped.”